Summer Reflection #35: Roots of Gold
I often think about what has brought me to this point in my life, with all the conditions, the decisions, and opportunities taken, as well as missed. But I know I am incorrect with much of it, because not only does it count on me remembering, it doesn't account for me never knowing. There are so many influencing factors in our lives that we are never aware of, with a billion sliding doors that can nudge us or punch us in different directions.
One thing I realized today is that I have barely thought about the small town in Australia in which I grew up. So much of my formative life was spent there, but once I left, I left my thoughts about it there as well. While I don't know for sure, but it might be because while the last couple years were okay, I didn't have the greatest childhood there in so many ways. And when I left I was already fifteen, and had already been making life decisions for a few years already - given the not so great childhood.
This means that my attachment to my "home" town isn't as strong as it might be for some others, but I am quite sure that living there has impacted on me in ways that I still carry today. While there might have been a lot of damage, for the most part, I think I have been able to turn it relatively positive, and move on from it, but still understand the lessons I learned through the way I was treated. As a result, I treat people with respect, but I also don't give into nonsense, meaning that I feel that people should also learn to protect themselves to not be so reactive to the words and even actions of others.
But I was thinking, what would have happened to my life had I stayed in a town that I feel never really wanted me in it. I suspect I would have moved at some point anyway, but had I stayed, I wonder what kinds of jobs I would have had, or what kinds of friends, or if I would have started a family. Would I be like the few people that I used to see on Facebook from that home town, living their lives, having their children, with their children doing the same things, playing in the same sports teams as their parents were? Would I have become part of the community?
It is hard to imagine. Because I just don't see a life for me there. It is like when I try to picture it, there is just blankness, no matter how hard I try. No pathway through the forest.
Yet, that is where my roots started to grow, an even though the soil was acidic, they did their best to form me into some kind of person that could make it through this life. But, making it through and making it through well are two different things, and I often wonder if I am doing well enough to consider it good enough.
I am not.
I am not happy with where I am in life, even though compared to some it might appear that things are okay. In some way, it is like when I was at school getting abused as a little kid, but made sure to never let them see me cry. Of course, if I had cried it would have made things worse, but perhaps for one or two of those kids watching, they might have realized that they were making a person suffer by choice, and perhaps changed their ways, their support, or reflected back on it in their future.
I wonder if it would have been possible after that kind of childhood experience in the community to build a good life into adulthood, considering it would have been with the same people from childhood. I just don't see it happening, because regardless of whether I got over it or not, the community aspect will depend on the group, and if they don't change, it just creates more difficulty, more hurdles, more challenge, in an already challenging environment.
While a handy allegory, perhaps roots are not as important as we think they are to our lives. Perhaps what is more important is the trunk that moves away from them, broadens, grows branches, leaves, and feels the sunlight each day. Our roots might keep us grounded metaphorically, but what they could also be seen as is something we are getting away from, something that inspires us, supports us, to be more than our background. To be better.
I think that this is why I dislike the identity conversations so much, where people identify themselves based on arbitrary traits and states, like their skin color or nationality. They are useful at times, but when we start believing that these things are us, rather than influences upon us, we start to give up our ability to be something other, acting based on the stereotypes to which we have subscribed. Or, perhaps we just think we are acting accordingly, when we are not at all.
Believing I am something, doesn't make it so.
But more importantly, actions aren't determined by the arbitrary conditions of what we label ourselves.
Perhaps I would have had a good life in that home town, meeting new people I hadn't known before, or people I did know might have matured into something better than they were as children. Maybe I would have met someone fantastic and spent a good life with them, building a home, a family, and being part of the community.
I just can't imagine it though.
There are more branches of life to grow, more leaves to unfurl and more patches of light to feel.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I'm not trying to dig into your personal stuff, but it feels like you and your brother had very different lives growing up there. Either that or he just chooses not to be as open about the bad stuff as you. It's funny when I see people who I knew in high school these days and they are totally different from what I remember. Though that is usually on social media, so who knows how much of it is real.
I am pretty open with it, but don't mention much in detail here. Not because I couldn't or it upsets me, but because it isn't really relevant at that level.
We did have different childhoods, especially as my parents split up after he had moved, so family life changed. He is older than me and got out pretty young also. I am pretty sure he would never have stayed in that town either. There were some good people there, but not many.
I am sure that the people I grew up with have changed in many ways. But I remember them as they were only.
Very interesting. Thanks for being so candid. You both seem to have adjusted really well despite the adversity. I'm not saying my life was perfect, but I had the pretty idyllic American childhood minus marrying my childhood sweetheart and buying a house with a white picket fence, so a lot of times I don't feel like I have much insight on what some other people have gone through growing up.
Being so far away from the place where I grow up, I can say that I had a happy childhood, and I learn a lot of skills that I do not use anymore now (gardening, animal killing and cooking and few more). Looking back, I am happy with my life as it is now. But I do go back once per year, visiting family.
It sounds like you had a good childhood, learning a lot - even if not using the skills now. I don't have any family who still live in our home town - I think that is telling :)
I am about 7 hours by plane from the land where I was born and raised. Those were wonderful memories that I will never relive, those days of my childhood and teenage years. Those who grew up around me, I no longer know, because people change and personal matters take us away from each other.
Today, I have no ties that anchor me to the place where I became a man, I would say only the passport of dual nationality.
The paths of life are personal. When I returned to Venezuela in December 2022, after 12 years of absence, I felt like a stranger, many things had changed.
I think that this is more telling than people give it credit. Nationality and nationalism is silly - it is impermanent, imposed by culture.
We moved four times when I was a kid but I now have a hard time imagining myself having made a life in any of those places in New Jersey. I guess I started a trend by moving to Minnesota. Both of my parents and both of my brothers moved here (one of the brothers stayed in Minnesota, the other moved back to Jersey).
I had an I guess okayish childhood (as a dorky introvert) in the place that’s as close to a “home town” as I have from ages 7–14, but not fond memories of my high school years (14–18) in another part of the state. Either way, not places I would have wanted to live long-term. Other than my youngest brother who still lives out there, I’ve lost contact with everyone I knew from my childhood. I’m fine with that.
Do you ever think what it would take to want to stay in a home town? What kind of childhood is it - I am guessing better than the ones we had :)
I love visiting the small town of my childhood. And remembering my games, it was a great time. A ticket to a children's movie at the cinema cost 10 kopecks, like half a loaf of black bread, and one empty bottle cost 20 kopecks. We ran around with a group of children and we had enough of everything in that world.
I was a teen before there was a cinema and a fast food place in my town - it was pretty small. Don't remember it being cheap though :)
From my experience, our memory can't always be trusted. Unless a person has perfect recall or a photographic memory, they will forget a lot of things and details. I think that if a person has a bad experience on something/place, then their memory of it can get worse than what it actually was. The same is true for good experiences. That is why when people go back and visit, it isn't really as bad/nice as they remembered it. Of course there are always outliers.
I suspect that this isn't trustable either. We can't be aware of all the details - so it is still reliant on awareness. What are they looking at will determine what they remember - but their perspective might not tell the real story.
You seem to be getting along well based on your posts and what I can see of your family. You are letting those branches grow and experiencing life still. Some people will just sit on the old roots and rot. I know I did that for a while.
Your doing more good things than you may know in life and here in this online community. Sometimes people are growing those leaves and making an impact when you don't even realize it.
Maybe some day I will think ebough about my hometown experience and what I've learned from it, to make a refletive post. I try to not think about it much though.
I understand the desire to do so - but it isn't helpful to dwell. Learn and move on.
I do wonder if the impact I have in this world is positive or not.
Sometimes, looking back and reflecting is just not worth the effort.
I know your impadct here is positive. Looking forward to reading and being challenged by your posts daily. It has helped me become a more reflective person, to challenge my own thinking, and just be better. So you at least have a positive impact on one knuckle dragger from across the pond.
There is a song by Garth Brooks called The Dance. In it he says "I could have missed the pain, but I'd had to miss the dance."
I know you might be wondering what kind of job you will do if you are in Australia right now. If you’re not in Finland doing something, you may be in Australia doing something else.
That’s life. You may not have an idea of the things you can do in Australia but if you’re in Australia now, you may even be living a better life even though you think that society doesn’t want you in it
Life is about endurance
Even though we are not really cool with where we are living, we just have to endure
I think it is again just our vintage that makes us constantly dissatisfied with where we are. I put consistent thought into being happy where I am but balancing that out with dissatisfaction with things in a financial manner. The happiness mixed with the competitive nature to always do a bit better is the fuel that drives me forward in the marathon known as life.
I take solace in knowing I am a late bloomer and the best is yet to come. You would have found another purpose in that small town and just built a different life. Knowing you, you would have been unhappy with that like you are now.
Let’s allow happiness and dissatisfaction to coexist as we strive for our families.
Does it make for a better life, or just a harder life? Hard doesn't mean bad, nor easy good - but what is required for a life worth living, ?
Very, very likely :)
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I am sorry to hear about your school experience. Schools can destroy a kid's life if the bullies dont understand their limits. I didnt have any good memories of my childhood as well and dont miss my town or anything related to it. Sometimes I feel that I spent my life just suppressing my emotions which is affecting my health as well. But I believe that the future is going to be much better than the past.
I believe that roots are not important, but what matters is the community that we can happily belong to and be accepted in!
I have these thoughts all the time, especially since I am not doing as well financially as my parents did. Is it my work ethic? Is it limited by opportunity? Is it a problem with desire? Who knows?! Better not waste too much time thinking about a question I am not able to answer.
I think your real home has to be found in life. It is not necessarily where you grew up. Great little question to Peter O Toole here as an example.
OMG dude, this wasn't even close. Sheesh. Just an absolute massacre.