The Golden One
Aw thank you guys, I have had a lovely morning!
The Good Lady's face shone with happiness like an uncleaned breakfast griddle as she entered the lounge after having had breakfast and gifts in bed for Mother's Day.
Mother's day is earlier in the UK than in other parts of the world because we are a bitter bunch that feel we always have to come first. I half bowed and gestured toward the Kitchen. Madame, the day is not yet over! I did my very best to sound exotically French without going as far as to add aw-he-haw-he-haw at the end of my sentence. Oh really? You don't have to get me anything for Mother's day silly. I'm not your Mother! She laughed and I joined in so that she didn't feel like a hot dick with a rubbish sense of humour. After all, it was her special day. It is a pleasure for the person who is the bedrock of our family. The person who holds us all together with her lovely bosoms. I tilted a cheeky wink in the direction of Bosom number 2 whom I have always gotten on best with. Oh go on then. What is it? She capered slightly as is the way of ladies when they feel for the tiniest moment that they are not being taken for granted. Come my darling. Come into the Kitchen and prepare to be bedazzled! I took her hand and urged her forward. Are you ready? Are you ready for the amaze? As she entered the kitchen I let go of her hand and waved majestically at the corner. TADA!!! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! She opened her eyes and blinked several times. Then she blinked some more. Um, what's that? She took a tentative step towards the beauteous gift that proudly stood before her. What'dya mean, what's that? It is perfectly obvious is it not? I exhaled vigorously out of my nose in astonishment that she had to ask. Is it... Is it a bamboo plant? She looked at me quizzically as if I had offered her poached pears as a dessert. I barked with delight... Is it bamboo?! Is it bamboo? My Good Lady, this is the GOLDEN BAMBOO! Exotic and long, and very very strong, it is Bamboo royalty!! Just look at this lovely. Her slender golden stems can grow up to five meters tall and she is as bushy as fuck. Incredible. She can replace the black bamboo which died up the back. Whatcha think? I preened next to the beautiful little baby golden bamboo. Oh, and she is terribly invasive so we get to fuck the back neighbours over big style! I giggled at the thought of fast-growing bamboo stems pushing up through the back neighbour's house, piercing their frail bodies like bloody spears whilst they slept and lifting them aloft as a warning to all. I stroked one of my new baby's glossy green leaves. The Good Lady looked utterly utterly baffled. Um, that is very nice and all but erm, isn't bamboo your thing? Could you not have gotten me chocolates or something? She gave her bottom lip a puzzled chew. Chocolates are for the weak. I waved a hand dismissively. I like chocolates The Good Lady's voice rose up an octave or three. Nonsense. You like bamboo my darling. Bamboo all the way. Now, let me go out and plant this little bugger. I gave her a peck on the lips and lifted up her bamboo to take outside. What a fantastic Mother's day!
Which might be the main reason that everywhere else in the world classes themselves as better lovers...
I was careful to enunciate bedazzled so that it wasn't confused with vajazzled I don't think she would appreciate me sprinkling glitter in her vegetable garden.
and no, I hadn't managed to cover the floor with balloons and shuck my clothes off before lying naked under them. Although one of my friends has actually done such a thing. Not for my missus though, that would be a punching affair.
Hahaha!
She has never been happier. Maybe 🤣
😂
Now if THAT isn't the phrase of the week! (As it bounces around inside me head rarely encountering active neurons.)
Hehe, I like a broad statement!! :0D
Or a statement Broad! After all, it is Mothers Day. :)
Yes indeed. We can't forget them on their special day!! Hehe
I require full disclosure. Where did you learn of vajazzle?! Laugh tf Out Loud.
Happy Mother's Day ya bitter ol'bastage!
Doesn't everyone know of the vajazzle!!! 🤣🤣
Hehe, bitter bastage abounds!!
🤣 Just one of the funny bits.. 😂
Oh, those banners! This one is another masterpiece of yours! 😂🤣
I take great pleasure in doing the pictures!! Almost as much as the text.
:0)
😄
How do you make them?
I use my phone same about three students for different apps. I think I did a post on it once, I will find it!!
They really do look like drawings, amazing what apps can do these days! Have you ever tried Canva for the text? They have a lot of fun fonts and effects, especially if you go to the text tab where the uploads, photos, and elements are, and look for text.
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I have looked at it a few times for text. I should dig in deeper. Do you have the paid for version?
Yeah, but that doesn't matter for the text in that area, only in Fonts. Also you get the bg remover and loads more options and pictures in the paid version.
I wouldn't mind the background remover. I do a lot of that to get my face in
I use it when I join in the LMAC community, it's worked well for me :) You get a lot of already cut out images in pro too!
I will defo have a look. I love editing programs!
Have you tried Gimp? If you decide to, go for the older version. The new one is seriously lacking in plugins!
I have tried it but I am familiar with Photoshop. I used to be quite the photoshopped but I didn't like the phone version so started using different phone apps to achieve similar results
I hope computers never become obsolete 😢
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But I forgot to mention it to him.
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The new AI overlords will still need them to house their mighty intellects!
No, we'll enjoy them after the overlords are banished onto thumb drives!
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I dread to think it's the mechanical monstrosities they will transform into from the thumb drive to terrorist us!
Who says we ever have to plug it into anything again? Throw it in a drawer, lock it, and throw away the key!
This is pretty much it!!
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Happy Mother's Day to your lady wife, that gift is beautiful Mr. @meesterboom the bamboo in the home brings the energy of temperance, strength, prosperity, stability, fortune for everyone. the members of the family.
It is always good to place it in the places where we want the energy to flow so that its leaves move the negative and between the positive and the money.
Happy day
I love bamboo. It is the most magical plant ever. I hope that my garden eventually becomes a bamboo forest!!
I am getting another for the house, I think it would be fab 😀
Plant it in the northwest area of the house so that the magic of the beautiful in the cycle of life is enhanced
I shall. As soon as I find out what area that is!
I'll explain it to you. Download the compass on your cell phone and once you have it positioned, you will place the cell phone in the opposite direction so that the compass indicates the place, that is, the part that always points forward of your cell phone places it facing your body and that waypoints the compass and gets the perfect location to plant the Bamboo.
I will do it. Thank you!
💪
I prefer bamboo rather than something like chocolate that will be gone in one shot. Not to mention the dream of the neighbor's bodies stuck in the bamboo branches haha.
My thinking too. This will last for years instead of hours!!
Wow, So you harbor visions of
grandeurVlad the Impaler. That's awesome lol. I am overly fond of my bamboo also, but hadn't ever thought about aiming it at my annoying neighbor. You have provided some nice fodder for daydreaming hahaaa. Happy Mother's Day to the Good Lady!I love the stuff. This stuff apparently grows like mad. Vladhood here I come!!! 😀😀
The gold bamboo has not yet made it to my yard, but I did get a blue bamboo for Christmas from my brother. I would have every variety if I could lol. It's a shame the black bamboo didn't make it. I have yet to try that one either. Looking forward to seeing a bamboo update next year!
OH, I have seen those ones. They look awesome. I was desperate to get one but they arent hardy enough for Scottishness.
I shall endeavour to report on its progress when is starts putting in some serious up spurting!
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A good way to celebrate :) ... But now I'm a little worried about what she might do for Father's Day 😂
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Maybe she will get more bamboo!!! Hahaha!!!
Maybe she will buy you a VERY large box of chocolates for Father's Day ! 😄
Fingers crossed. Maybe she will go crazy and buy me a guitar to show me how it is done, lol!
Hopefully! But I have a bad feeling that it might be a purse or an outfit :( ...
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He was kind of a big dill.
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Aaargh, that would show me and no mistake!
Let's hope she doesn't think of it!
There will be blood if that's the case!! Probably mine from a stress nosebleed!!
Yeah, it's not a great idea to go to war with your own nose😂
It most certainly is not. I try to keep all my bits on side!
Lmao well that's better than what I thought is was going to be. I figured she was walking into the mess of the kitchen left over after the breakfast in bed she had eaten 😂
Have fun planting
yourher bamboo😅😂
Hehe, I did that once, never again!!!
Myher bamboo will be a fine addition to the garden!! 😀😀Haha I remember your post about the black bamboo dying. It's great that you found a new plant. Will be a good addition. I'm sure she will appreciate the privacy it brings
She will. I think it is even better at screening than the black one. And a bit more virulent too which is smashing!!
Yeah it's nice when things like that are fast growing so you don't have to wait decades for the effect that you're looking for. If it's a few seasons and you're good, that's the best case scenario
It pretty much storms up. The first year you plant it, it only grows about a foot but the year after it pretty much doubles in height then the year after its massive. I used to look at my black bamboo and see new canes grow by 6 or 8 inches a day!
Wow that's actually really cool.
The first time I saw the difference on some consecutive sunny days I was staggered!
Happy Mother's Day to her. Bamboo is a great plant to have.
Agreed. It is a fine one to be growing!!
So ... what you are trying to say is that you Bamboo-zled the Good Lady?
Once that bamboo takes hold, you'll have so much privacy in the back yard that you and the good lady will be able to roam the back yard in nothing but loin cloths.
Bamboo-zled!! Love it!!
Yes indeed, I did. She actually really likes it though. We have been a bit bereft since our big black bamboo flowered and died. Also slotted because the neighbours can now set over the fence again. Not for long though!!! Soon it will be loin cloth central!!
Laughs, I suppose we are better lovers then.... You said it not me😂😂
Its weird how mothersday isn't the same date as the rest of the world... When is your father's day??
I think it's June some time. The different dates always baffle me. I mean, shouldn't it be universal!?
Hehe, bloody Brits same their obsession with coming first, totally backfires 🤣🤣
Poor, poor Good Lady.....
I feel for her. My FIRST husband gave me a set of tires for my car on Christmas, tires that we were going to HAVE to buy anyway no matter the time of year. Two birds with one stone??? I guarantee you that BIRD didn't fly too well.
Buying something for yourself for Mother's Day ! tsk! tsk!
You didn't tell it, but I'm just SURE you bought her something else SHE would like, I'm just sure of it.
Fess up !
Damn it, you got me. I did but her done sales caramel chocolate things that I know she likes which she got later. Hehe, I couldn't just get myself something :0)
Tyres though, ooft. That takes a special kind of courage or foolhardiness to pull that off!
Nothing makes me laugh and I can't stop, these real life stories make me smile and have the value of telling the truth.
However, bamboo is for men and chocolate is not, but after planting your new egg in the garden, you would have deserved a piece of chocolate.😉
I had some chocolate after the fact and in fact so did she because I had got her some as well as a handy backup in case she wasn't impressed by my bambooo'ery!
A bamboo is not a trifle! what more could you want???
After my bamboo there is little more I could want! hehe
Did you know that this sentence could have pornographic meanings?
Luckily it's a freshly planted bamboo and not yet a big bamboo heh heh!
But it will... it will...
It will grow and I will grow with it ;OD
Also. great idea, that gift. I know how much you loved your bamboo ;<)
I was lost when it karked it. It was too soon! They are meant to last twice as long. This one had better do better!
Also,it's father's day here, today ;<)
Is it!? Hot damn, I dont think ours is till June!
It's confusing as ****
Luckily I'm not a father and my own father is no longer around
so no stress for me.
Not a fan of commercialized days like these, anyway ;<)
Me neither.I try to steer clear of all the typical things that shops and companies try to drive you at. Blegh
Also. great idea, that gift. I know how much you loved your bamboo ;<)
It is weird how it is on different days to the rest of us and why my mother always misses out lol. She gets it later when everyone else does so she cannot complain. Bamboo is different I must say, but will grow quickly even in the Scottish weather.
This one is a ferocious grower so they say. They kept suggesting bamboo blocky stuff at the checkout and I was like hell no sister. I want this stuff to spread!
I am sure all of the companies that flog stuff for these various 'days' would do far better if they made it all the same day each country
The Japs used it for torture during the Second World War by lying prisoners on bamboo shoots. Definitely if they had the same day they would do far better.
Thats exactly what I am hoping for my neighbours :OD
But yeah, some of them grow freaky fast. Imagine them pushing up through you, it takes a special evil mind to think shit like that up!
Fuck. Was reading this. Found out it's mother's day, then thought for a moment I had forgotten all about it. Then had to think really hard about when mother's day actually is. It's a good thing you explained in your post because for a moment I considered the possibility of the mandella effect being real.
The Mandella effect is real. Hold on to your hats!
I bet your dates are like in five months or something. It is like a decked up weird conspiracy to confuse everyone that they are different everywhere!
The AI demons tell me the USA date is the original so yeah, obviously you people are up to your old tricks again. Must get boring living on that island up in the clouds, or something.
The AI demons will say anything to mess with your head!!
It never gets dull living in the sky. It's just so airy 😀😀
After you plant it find a way to fasten chocolate truffles to those spectacular golden branches. The Good Lady will never doubt your gift-giving prowess again. : )
HAhaha, it would be like the very best kind of Christmas tree!! :OD
Bambastic mother day gift ;) Wish you a happy mother day :P The bamboo should be yours :P
I think the bamboo really is mine! At least in my head! :OD
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Oh dear 😂 happy Mother’s Day mrs boom! Well, she faired better than I did, I got a text from my 18 year old son, simply stating ‘happy mothers day’. No kisses, no how are you, no thank you for giving me life and ruining your size 6 waist 18 years ago so that I could grace the earth with my presence… erm, sorry the English bitterness coming through a little there! 🤣 bamboo all the way!
Oh man, that's a fear of mine. They will be too busy living their lives and being all happy and young!! Gits, they should show more appreciation!!! :0D
The best holidays are when you get to buy yourself something. I remember you being bereft at the loss of your black bamboo. If this one is that invasive then aren't your family at risk too? Or do you have a Great Wall of China style barrier sunk several fathoms across the garden?
Happy mother's day.
We have a fabulous layer of decking which should save us unless the bamboo gets all sentient and tears it down to get in the house!!
I was gutted with the lots of the black one. I held off digging it up and replacing it for ages thinking it would maybe recover and grow back but nah, twas as dead as a dodo. I can't wait to see how those one does!
Most invasive thing in our garden is what I call the 'strawberry weed'. Looks like a miniature strawb and also sends out runners, but has roots like dandelion that go down miles. It's all through some of the lawn. I just try to keep it out of the actual strawberry bed. The other main weed is just grass that gets in all the wrong places. Bamboo is just grass on steroids.
I think I have that stuff in my lawn. It's a pain in the chuff. That and brambles, the thorns on them are unbelievable and in our area it grows almost uncontrollably. I spend half the summer chopping thorny canes down to the ground.
Yeah, we get brambles too. Next door is all overgrown and the bastards come over the fence to root themselves whilst ivy eats the fence. It's bloody carnage out there!
God that really sounds like my garden. We have Ivy trying to tear down the fences too! Having a garden is a nightmare at times!
Hi @meesterboom ,Haaaaaaa, you better have placed the balloons on the floor, you get naked and she would be happier haaaaaaa, I hope you give her the chocolates, it doesn't matter if they are for the weak, there are many weaklings in this world, many people like chocolates : ) now when you look for the good lady she will tell you, look for the bamboooo hahaha
I gave here the chocolates, I know when to dice with death and when not to!
I decided against the balloons however, lol!
Keeping such plants in the house adds a lot to the beauty of the house and this plant also looks very beautiful. Its a very great and unique way yo celebrate mother's day. However, they want their house to look more beautiful and not inferior to anyone else, so whenever they go somewhere, they must have something for the house. After reading your post it brings a smile on my face because your post is more funny.
Thank you. I intend this beast for the garden. Apparently it can grow to five metres tall!! It will be awesome!!
Well don’t be surprised when she buys herself something for Father’s Day 🤣
I will employ operation schmooze the weeks leading up to father's Day 😀😀
Good luck! I hope she gets herself something awesome ;D
Hehe, knowing her she will but I am sure she will get me something too... Maybe... Yeek!?!
So like actions have consequences!? 🤣🤣
Bahaahahahaaa XD
You lived to talk about it? She's an absolute saint!
No worries!
Eventually, it will put out enough bamboo for sheets! Nothing feels so good as sleeping on them!
I do like the bamboo material. I have no idea how they get that from them wooden stems. Technology!
I got her amazing chocolates. They were a secret til later though :OD
If I'd received such a gift on Mothering Sunday I'd be shrieking with joy, I'm a bit obsessed with bamboo. Tho they say it is invasive, it takes a good 5 or so years, I've found, before it gets to it's "I'm off, shooting under the ground to all sorts of hidden spots". My next acquisiton is to get a big pot of the Timber bamboo they grow in China and well, use as timber. We have a little 3 acre woodland and I've picked out a spot, look out pines, azaleas, birch and oak, you've got a tall 'grass' coming to join you.
Tho, I've never got a Mothering Sunday gift as I've only ever been the 'mother' to things either furred or feathered and they never seem to make down to the shops or up to my bedroom with breakfasts, tho to be fair, my chicken and quail children "Technically" give me breakfast everyday, tho almost never in bed...In fact I have to go to THEIR beds to get the eggs, but you get the idea.
I hope all had a lovely day on your early Mother's day.
I am a tad obsessed with the ole bamboo too. I would love to get one of the timber ones! I have started growing one near my house but I dont think it will quite take off due to the weather and the like, Buit you never know!. Think of all the free giant woody canes. Such craft possibilities!
Hehe, You might have to go and fetch them but that sounds like a fabby daily breakfast gift! :OD
You. Mother Fucker. Way to buy yourself a gift and pawn it off on her
A man has to have gifts! ;0)
Very good story dear @meesterboom.
I hope you will be very successful!
See you soom
Thank you very much!
Poached pears hahaha
Made me laugh from start to finish. Next year's gift? Panda
Anyway, if you'd have thought on your feet, you'd have told her it was the kids idea!
Have a good weekend and hopefully the bamboo is already taking hold of your entire garden.
PS Dont famcy some coconuts do you?
A panda tp roll fatly about the garden entertaining us! That would be smashing!
Thats a great idea, from now on the kids are getting blamed for everything, heh heh.
I think cocnuts might be a step too far! :OD
Bamboo all the way😂😂😂. Can't believe I miss out on this.
You cant go wrong with a bit of bamboo! :O)
😂😂 you are something else.