From chaos to calm

I was at a friend’s place last week for work. I had multiple options on where to stay, but her place was better because it would be more comfortable with her than having to be alone in a hotel room or staying with strangers. With her, everything was going well until my third day there.

I went to work and returned home to find my friend in an entirely different mood. I thought something had happened, so I tried to ask her “what happened?” and she responded, “Nothing.

I thought that was weird because her mood was bubbly and happy before I left home in the morning. We had chatted, gisted, and played, so what could’ve changed? I thought to myself. So, I tried to ask her again what the matter was, and, with a scream, she said, “Nothing is up with me, so leave me alone!”

At this point, I knew I had to maintain a distance and wait till her mood returned to normal so we could have a proper conversation. I realized that what happened to her was a mood change (swing) which she couldn’t control. Then, I remembered how I’ve struggled with controlling my mood swings over the years, and how I’ve been transformed to a better human by learning to control my emotions whenever the mood swing happened.

Many years ago when I felt the mood swing out of nowhere, I screamed at everyone and anyone that tried to barge into my emotions. I mean, why will you ask me what’s up, when it’s clearly written in my emotions and all over me that something’s up, but I’m unwilling to share because I don’t know too. However, the need to continuously say “sorry” and make excuses for transferring the negative energy to them cluttered my mind so much every time it happened.

This mood swing became a baggage I know I had to work on when I realized that my relationship with people started getting sour. I had no close pal because they were scared that I would switch up on them suddenly and scream at them out of nowhere. Or I could wake up one day and decide to ignore everyone.

Minimalism prioritizes quality over quantity, and as a minimalist with maximum control over the quality of friends I keep, I struggled to maintain the relationships with the few people in my circle because I had no control over controlling the effects of my mood switch on my friends. Just like the relationship between my friend and I is already scarred, I unintentionally injured many people with my over-emotional baggage in the name of mood swings. At that point, I knew I had to change for the better so that my relationships wouldn’t suffer any more.

The first thing I did was to avoid eye contact with people whenever I noticed that my mood was at a level beyond what I could control. Transformation into a being that’s not controlled by her mood swings is not easy. It’s a journey I’ve embarked on for many years now, but it’s getting better every day.

Five years ago, I would transfer aggression on everyone present, but now, after practicing locking myself up, and breathing exercises whenever I noticed a change in my emotions that could negatively affect other people around me, I’ve learnt to try to control myself better.

Gradually, and with conscious efforts, I am transforming to a human that’s not perfect at controlling her mood swings yet, but I am close to perfect in ensuring that my interactions with people are not affected by it such that I can still be the sweet human that I am even with the swings in mood.

Images are mine.

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