A TALE OF ASS WHOOPING

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Ass whooping is a concept everyone is familiar with...
It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done, there's a moment in your life where your ass has been whooped, whether physically, mentally, emotionally or financially.

But among all these forms of ass whooping, the most common is the physical whoop.

As a Nigerian, I'm all too familiar with physical ass whooping. From hand to slippers to cane to remote to basically anything that can be held and thrown, I've been beaten by it.

The idea for sharing one of my whooping tales came yesterday. Just like how Aang in avatar touched his wound and his avatar past lives were triggered, so did me sitting on a hard surface trigger my past ass whoopings.

So I decided to share one of them with y'all.

I've had many many whooping experiences, but the one I'm about to share with you is top 5.

Oh, and before I continue, I give you all permission to laugh.
Now, It's time for the breakdown.

I was a young lad,

Very nice boy,
Very gentle boy.

Okay definitely not gentle, but very very nice.

The incident happened one fateful day

I was home alone and I don't remember what I watched. Probably an inspirational YouTube video,
but I remember it made me decide to change.

I decided I would be a good boy,
I would not complain about chores
I would not watch bad videos on the internet.

I would be good.
And I was determined to keep my new ways.

So there I was,
A newly changed boy,
walking all around the house with my newly changed mindset.

I started to think about the things I could do,
Maybe I'd clean the cobwebs or sweep the floor.

Nothing was gonna stop me,
Then something caught my eye

It was a black plastic object, I thought it was shoe polish

So I cracked it open, Nothing was there.
Oh well,

I continued my good boyness,
Then evening came and my parents came back.

As the good boy that I was, I rushed to the gate to take their bags and greet them.
They entered and met the house neat.

They were surprised because normally, the house always looks like a tornado disaster site when they leave me alone.

They told me I did a good job

Yup
This good boyness was definitely paying off.

I went to my room satisfied ,
I was about to play some good boy games on my phone when I heard a deep voice shout my name.

EMMANUEL!

It was my dad's voice.
I wondered,
Why would my dad call such a good boy's name like that

I went out .

"Yes father" I replied in my best good boy voice.

His face was not the same face that told me I did a good job.

My mum was next to him.
I could see her eyes sharp and angry

I wondered what was happening,
until I saw the black stuff that I broke in my dad's hands.

He asked me what happened to it,
I said I broke it because I thought it was shoe polish.

He shouted at me and told me that it was an important part of the rice cooker and now that I've broken it, the rice cooker won't work well.

Then out of nowhere,
A belt appeared in his hands.
It was like magic.

I flinched.

I looked to my mum for safety, but cane was already in her own hand.

I looked into the eyes of my parents and at that moment, I knew there was no turning back, they had already made up their minds, they were gonna whoop my ass.

My heart started to beat faster than the music at a night club.
I had no choice...
I ran out of the house.

The gate was locked so I couldn't run outside of the compound.

I heard their footsteps behind me.

Mom and dad,
each with their own weapon.

I had no idea what to do,
But I knew one thing for sure...
I was faster than them

They started to pursue me and I was running, dribbling them all around.
Their old people bones were no match for my youthful strides.

As long as I kept moving,
I was safe

Then I made my first mistake,
I started running to the back of the house.
Our house was built in such a way that the back was narrow and the front was wide,
I did not think of that before I ran there.

So the three of us were running.
Me running in a circle around the house,
and them chasing me

But I was still safe,
As long as I kept running

They'll get tired and then I'll just wait outside for a bit until they cooled down.

I would survive this night.
I shall live!

I kept running until I realized,
the intensity of the footsteps had reduced.

I was hearing 4 before,
Now just 2.

I looked back and I only saw my dad.

Where did my mum go?

I had my answer shortly when I saw her in front of me.

Dad at back,
Mom at front.

I was trapped.

Thoughts were running through my mind...

Why did I go to the back of the house?

I should have kept running in the open compound...
Now there was no where I could go.

I went through the 5 stages of grief at that moment

DENIAL - no na , they can't beat me na, I'm their lovely son, they love me, they wouldn't hurt me.

ANGER - Why will they beat me sef, I'll fight them! I'll run away!!

BARGAINING - Maybe if I run towards one of them and surrender, the other one would leave me alone.

DEPRESSION - My yaaaannnsssshh.

ACCEPTANCE - I surrendered, bowed my head and just waited for both of them to come to me.

I collected the ass whooping of a life time.

From left and right,
It just kept coming.

I shouted as loud as I could for neighbors to come help me.

But I had shitty neighbors,
No one cared about my screams of pain.

I held my mum's cane, dad's koboko wiped me.
I held koboko, cane wiped me

I held both, I collect slap for back.

It was brutal...

But, it was soon over.

I went back inside defeated, with my butt stinging and hot.

I looked up at the sky and I was thinking in my mind.

The day I said I'd be a good boy,
That's when the universe decided to let me collect this kind of ass whopping??

Wow.

I vowed to start doing bad and destroying things.

But then I was bribed with Ice cream and Danny phantom.

So I forgot everything and continued being myself.

But once in a while, my butt tingles and I'm reminded of that fateful day.

The day of tag team whooping.

The end.

Thank you for reading.

Stay buzzing,

Maximus✍🏾