Fiction: I have Been At War With Myself.

Religion haven't made me felt peace with myself, rather I have ever been at war within me trying so hard not to give on everything contected to it.

You are agnostic some people would call me, are you an atheist some would ask me. You might be wondering what lead to this, who am I and why do I have to voice out this way.

My name is John, a seventeen years old boy finishing high school next, who lives with his Dad of which he wished he was dead.
My wish for his death was because in some odd way he had a hand my mum's death.

My mum got to find out my Dad was cheating on her one faithful day. While she tried to confront my dad, all he did was to defend himself instead, of which got my Mum angry and she left the house, got into her car and drove away.
While driving in anger she didn't noticed the trailer from the other side and by the time she did it was already late, she crashed into the trailer and at that point she died.

I'm Christian, born in a very religious family.
My question with religion started when my elder brother had cancer. it was a shock to me and everyday I prayed to God not to let my brother die, rather he should heal him.

But it seems the supreme being turned a deaf ear on me. Didn't hear me out and my brother died from the disease, cancer.
I kept wondering why the good ones have to die and the bad ones, are the ones that gets to stay alive. It was really not cool with me

After that incident, I tried to understand how religion and spirituality works but it turns out the religion today seems to be odd to me.

Another experience I had was the day before my scholarship football game. I got into a misunderstanding with someone and I ended up breaking my knee. It was a very bad moment for me and all I prayed for was for a miracle because, I needed the scholarship to get me into the Prestigious University I've been dreaming all my life. But sadly, the miracle didn't happen and in the end I lost the scholarship.

Ever since then I kept wondering why do we have to beg the supreme being desperate it is said in his word that we are his children and he is our father

Why is it we don't get what we asked for desperate in this word it says knock and the door shall be open, seek and you shall find.

Yes God works in mysterious ways, but then the preacher in the church doesn't seems to make the situation easy for me.

I was in the church on Sunday and while the preaching was going on, the pastor said God is using this pandemic as a means to show to the world that he is greater than all especially, to the China who worship gods and stone rather than worship God.
I wondered why would God want to prove himself in such a manner that would kill a huge number of people even those that are his own children

The pastor further preached that only does who are in Christ will be saved from this pandemic, of which I wondered didn't God created all humans in his own image and likeness.
Then the pastor finally said, the Americans are dying from the pandemic because they legalized same-sex marriage. And all I could think of was Sinners judging sinners for sinning differently.

I couldn't take it any longer, so I left the church and since then I have to tried to explain my point of view to some set of people who all ended up asking me if I'm an atheist or why am I benn agnostic, because no one can question the ways of the supreme being.

Since then, I have been at war with myself and I hope I find peace and answers to the question I seek.

Photo illustration are gotten from Pixabay