Huge Leap Into The Unknown

Today I took a huge step. It may seem small to some, but it is a huge leap into the unknown for me. I have put my paintings online for the first time, and now I hope someone will want to buy them. I wouldn't have to put them online if I didn't hope that. But I can tell you that this step feels terrifying. It is the first time in all the time that I have been painting again that I am bringing my work into the public domain. Only here on Hive have I blogged and shown some pictures of paintings. But apart from that, no one has ever seen one of my paintings. And now, I've put a few of them on the largest online marketplace in the Netherlands. A thought that feels terrifying.

Painting has always been an outlet for me. It is something I can concentrate on, a way to shape my emotions and thoughts differently. Since I started painting again, I have found moments of peace in the paint, the canvas, and the creativity that comes to the surface. But the idea of ​​sharing my work with the world is something I have been dreading for a long time. Until now, today I have made the decision and put some of the many paintings online.

The Uncertainty Gnaws

I have always struggled with uncertainty about my abilities. That uncertainty always played a role in everything I did. Now that doubt raises its head again. And my thoughts immediately go negative. Imagine if no one wants to buy anything. That people see my work and think: "What the hell is that? You don't want that hanging in your house?"

It is that same little voice in my head that has always stopped me from showing my work. That small, venomous voice, tells me that I am not good enough, that my talent is not big enough to be taken seriously. And now that I have uploaded my paintings, that little voice only seems to sound louder in my head. Oh, I know I shouldn’t care about that, but alas, that’s never been my style. And it never will be for me. People around me have often said that what I make is good, but the uncertainty remains.

Excitement And Hope

I feel like I’m sharing something very intimate, something I made with love and care, and I fervently hope that someone will see it and think: “Yes, I want that.” At the same time, there’s the fear. What if no one ever says that? What if people see my paintings and click away without even thinking for a second about what’s behind them?

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect me. The thought that people would reject my work, that it’s worthless in their eyes, hurts. I’ve always tried to let go of my perfectionism, to remind myself that I paint for my pleasure and not for the approval of others. But now it’s online, I’m even trying to sell it, and yes… now it suddenly does matter. I am no longer painting just for myself, but I hope that someone else will like it, that it will touch them.

Why now?

You may wonder why I took this step, and why only now after more than 2 years. On the one hand, the answer is very simple: I can certainly use an income. But there is more to it. I am also done with holding myself back. If I never take the step to share my work, I will never know whether other people like it or can appreciate it. And yes, even though I find it terrifying, I do want to know what is possible. Yes, I am afraid. But I am also curious. Maybe no one appreciates my work, and maybe there is someone who would like to give it a place in their home. No, I am not perfect, and my work is not perfect either, but it is unique, and mine. It is something that I have made with my own hands and ideas, and that makes it valuable.

I have always felt that there was a barrier between me and the outside world. As if I protected myself by keeping my creations to myself, and by not sharing what I made, I could not be rejected either. But that also has a downside. By being afraid of that possible rejection, I also hindered my growth and I also created a kind of prison for myself. So, that is why I have now decided to put my paintings online despite the fear and uncertainty. Not because I know for sure that they are good enough, but because I cannot be sure that they are not good enough.

Waiting

And now it is waiting. Keeping an eye on my message box with excitement, and asking myself every hour if there have been any reactions yet. The idea that someone will just click on one of my paintings, and maybe even want to buy, it is very unreal. Maybe, very maybe, there is someone who appreciates my work. Or someone who sees something in it that touches them.

I feel like I am at a crossroads. One road leads back to safety, to painting for myself, without the chance of rejection or criticism. The other road is one full of uncertainties, but also full of possibilities, and maybe an income. It feels exciting, really scary, and very vulnerable at the same time. I can only hope that someone buys a painting, but one thing is for sure ... whether it is successful or not, I did try.

The only thing I know for sure at this moment is that I am a little proud of the step I took today. And, that is another victory for me.

^{All photos from my paintings}