Midnight Thoughts

I tried to listen intently as if someone were whispering my name. They are holding me tight and trying to point out their existence. I could feel my inner thoughts screaming. There was no peace inside me, yet by force, I was calm. Something strange was happening inside me. The two opposite poles seemed to merge, causing a catastrophe. But somehow, I couldn't manage any disaster. I never thought about how a negative thought can be intense. Until they captured me, they could not take advantage of me. Eventually, they were able to do it. I have been living alone for about a month.

As well as living, loneliness has already started living in me. It has been one of the most challenging times of my life. From which I can not escape. The weather outside could not keep me company, so I was stuck in my thoughts. It was not good company for me at all. It was harrowing for me. It seemed to me at times that I might be going through a nightmare, but the reality was different. I felt like I needed a night of deep sleep. But whenever I close my eyes, I want to cry. And the most challenging truth is that I saw my mother die just a week ago. From that day on, I gave up hope of survival. But she let me live. But the restless nights did not allow me to sleep in a bed. But I wanted to get out of bed peacefully.

Because outside of that, a beautiful world was waiting for me. My body could not decide what I should do. Indoors or away from the earth. This thought frightened me terribly. So I decided that I needed to learn how to do it right. I will keep my eyes open until I can repair my heart for this world. I realized that this world was spreading in my brain in a very terrible way. I didn't know then that I would ever be able to face it. I didn't even know how long it would take me to prepare myself to face it. But at the moment, I don't want to face it. Because I think my thoughts can kill me if I allow myself to.

I believe they will leave if I don't face them; at least they will get me out of this. I couldn't feel much when I looked out the window because the darkness of the night hid things. I don't know why I think of killing my brain every day, in the middle of the night. There is no way I can separate this time from myself. All the thoughts stuck in my brain whenever I thought I would fall asleep one morning. This time was nothing new for me. But its pain began to bother me in new ways every day. It makes me sleepy to remember beautiful memories. My brain is just stuck in a bitter experience.