Help! I am drowning.

It is great to be back on Hive after a hiatus due to a faulty meter breaker that caused a blackout at home.

Sometimes, I wish life has an undo button, just like a computer where you erase the past or something you didn't like. Sometimes I sit down on the couch and feel like not doing anything. Merely wishing the world can end right now.

We all smile and reply, "I'm fine," in the virtual world even though when we aren't. Maybe I don't even know what I'm writing. I didn't feel like writing but couldn't resist the chance to pour out my thoughts on a blank page. Perhaps, it would relieve me of the burden in my mind.

The bills keep on rising, and the expectations keep on rising. Things are getting harder, maybe it has always been so. Maybe, I was the one who didn't realize that things have changed. I think I'm still chasing the fantasies in my head.

Just enough of the maybes.

Can't I just press control z and get out of all this mess?

Ok, I think I need to take a deep breath at this point.

What will happen tomorrow? Nobody knows! Will I catch those goals or keep chasing them? The fear of tomorrow is creeping into my mind. I know it is often said, "trust the process." But is the process trustworthy?

Like Peter

I think I'm like Peter in the bible, who followed the words of Jesus by walking on the sea. But even though he didn't sink at first, the fear of the wind and turbulent waves made him waiver his faith. Slowly, inch by inch, he found himself drowning.

"Save me, lord," he cried and Christ stretch forth his hand to save me.

I think I'm crying out loud now like Peter, but it seems there is nobody out there to save me. Everyone replies with the same sentence,

"you are the only one who can save yourself."

Oh, I ought to have known that. Right? Perhaps I should keep the tears to myself and let the waves swallow me.

But the buts

But no! They will still blame me for drowning, they will say, but you could swim. But how can I swim with hands that have become sore, or with legs that refuse to kick, or with a mind that fears the waters?

Like a desert

We live in a world where happiness is temporary, and we are asked to find happiness within ourselves. But my mind is barren like a desert. The only things there are sadness and frustration and they both scorch like the desert sun.

How am I going to survive? I seek refuge like the Nomad, roaming the desert looking for an oasis where I can pitch my tent. Instead, I kept encountering mirages. Those mirages have misled me from the path I was on, and now I am lost. Here the compass seems useless thanks to powerful magnetic bodies around that make my compass misbehave.

Thanks for reading!

Lead photo by Stormseeker on Unsplash