Review of "If He Had Been With Me" by Laura Nowlin.

I really can't find the right words to describe how I felt after and how I still feel about this book but each time I think of the feeling, a grimace forms on my face and tears well up in my eyes.

This book explores themes of friendship, betrayal, and love. It's one book I've read that's made my heart drop many times into my stomach. I mean the ending is too tragic for me to bear. It's been a while since I read something and had tears trickling down my cheeks.

I swear I didn't see such an ending coming even though the linear order of the novel kinda revealed it at the beginning, I decided to shake it off thinking the writer would at least have mercy. I hate skipping to the last chapter if not I would have and that'd have made me painfully mark it as "read".

The story is told in the first person narrative technique. The main character from whose perspective the story is narrated, is a girl named "Autumn". She narrates the story entailing details from her early childhood days to her teenage years. I'd like to place the novel in the category of a bildungsroman because it takes the reader on a journey from the narrator's childhood experiences to nearly adulthood.

A brief synopsis for you:

Autumn has a best friend whom she called Finny; in short for Phineas. They shared the same birthday, were the born on the same day, their mothers were best friends since forever and they were next door neighbors. These two seemed unbreakable growing up. Phineas was always there to protect Autumn from bullies and made friends only with people who loved her. As they grew older and got in highschool, the friendship became awkward and they kinda broke apart.

Autumn joined a clique which she felt was unbreakable too no matter how scattered about they got after graduation from highschool until the guy she was dating in the clique cheated on her with a girl in the same clique. Autumn never thought her boyfriend Jamie could cheat on her or stop loving her no matter what. The breakup came as a shock to her , she felt betrayed and it kept her messy and depressed in bed for days.

Despite being in love with Jamie, Autumn, loved Finny and wanted him for herself. She described her love for him as a stillborn type of love. One that is cherished but has to be buried somewhere in her heart. Finny and Autumn spoke to each other on few occasions; when the mothers had dinner together or when they met in the same class at school. She disliked his choice of a girlfriend and felt irritated by her constant prattle on their way to catch a bus to school.

After the unexpected breakup from Jamie, Finny couldn't stand watching Autumn hurt so he took it upon himself to care for her. At this time, they had graduated from highschool and Sylvie, Finny's girlfriend, was away for a short while.

^{my favorite part}

In that short while, Finny and Autumn found their friendship back, relished on moments and told each other how they've loved each other since forever. After the confessions,things got heated up and they got down together without using protection. It was Autumn's first time. She had refrained from doing it with Jamie because she didn't feel it was right or got the right urge she needed to do it with him.

Before their love making, Finny had mentioned to Autumn that he was going to break up with Sylvie as the relationship didn't feel right to him. On the day he was to break up with Sylvie after she had returned to the state, Autumn asked him to stay with her but he said no, insisting that he couldn't wait another day to spill the tea. He didn't return anyways as they had an argument which resulted in an accident that claimed both their lives.

After the death of Finny, Autumn attempts suicide but somehow ends up in the hospital and figures she is pregnant.

The storyline is bittersweet. I was pissed because the relationship I wanted to happen ended abruptly just as it was about to start. It got tears in my eyes, I almost stopped reading but had to because I felt that somehow, just somehow, Finny was going to wake up and enjoy the relationship with Autumn. It broke my heart even more when I realized that she was going to birth a child without its loving father.

The novel is worth the read. The synopsis aforewritten doesn't entail half the fun of the novel so I'd advise y'all booklovers find time to read it.

Thanks for reading this far. With love, teknon ✨.

all images are screenshots.