LOH #160: I Hope Heaven Had Visiting Hours

It's been a wonderful joy for me to write and respond to this topic because I've been drowning in sadness for the past few months and I can't seem to put it into words.

2️⃣ Do you know someone dear to your heart who passed away unexpectedly? In case he/she can read your letter from heaven, what do you want to tell him/her? You can express your feelings, emotions, and everything else you've been holding inside that remained unspoken before he/she passed away.

My mom, my biggest love, passed away last June 10, 2023. That was an unexpected event, which is why I'm currently in excruciating pain.

I was devastated when my mom passed away. In addition to my physical discomfort, I had the impression that all of the mental health issues I had battled for the majority of my life were about to resurface and pose a threat.

I found it difficult to think of my mother when she passed away. I deleted all my pictures and concealed anything that made me think of her. It was like staring straight at the sun, remembering her. But after a while, I began to find solace in reminders. I wanted to see her face, I wanted to talk about her.

It is true that if your mother had an enormous impact on your life, then something about her passing will make everything stop abruptly even though life goes on. Seasons will change, holidays will come and go, and the world will still appear to halt for you. There will be a dissonance that causes a great deal of worry and anxiety as your brain tries to figure out how someone can be physically gone forever but still be there in every way.

You might be shocked by how deeply your sorrow has affected you as you go through waves of shock and depression. It may start off slowly and progress quickly. You will be aware of some triggers and may even actively seek them out in order to relieve the pent-up emotions in your chest. There will also be unexpected triggers that send you into a state of instantaneous sadness. You'll be shocked at how suddenly and swiftly tears might appear.

Unexpectedly, my mother's undiscovered heart condition caused her death. I was shocked and had no idea how to take it all in. I wanted to wake up from it badly like it was a horrible dream. How could someone so significant, vivid, and energetic be unresponsive? I have carried a deep sense of guilt since my mother's death. I'm always wondering if she ever mentioned that she was in agony. Were there any cues that I overlooked? Would I have had a greater chance of saving her if I had woken up earlier that morning? Why did this happen?

My mind is racing with so many questions. I've been feeling a range of emotions, including perplexity, rage, and grief. Now that the numbness has subsided, the enormity of my mom's death is even more real. I've left that dreamlike condition behind, but I haven't entered the reality I desired. It's now here—the hard reality of life without her—but I don't think I'll ever be able to fully get used to it.

She was my best friend. She was so essential to my existence that when she died, a gaping hole opened up inside of me. Over time, though, I've begun to see this interior emptiness in a different light; perhaps it's not a hole at all, but rather a mark my mother left on my heart. Perhaps what appears to be empty is truly meaningful. Since I was aware of what it was like to feel whole, I still feel empty. Since I experienced what it was like to feel entire, I feel broken. I have despair because I have experienced bliss.

I think about my mother every single day without fail. I hope she appreciated how much I loved and still adored her. Her voice, her hugs, and her physical presence are all sorely missed. I hope she can give me that hug once more and never let go. The weight of her affection will always be with me.

Even still, I wish heaven had visiting hours because reading this letter has made me realize the things I never told her when she was still alive—words I never shouted out loud.

I hope you're doing well in paradise, Mom.

Mama, Thank you so much. I am who I am now because you, a strong woman, raised me. I am forever grateful for the lessons you taught me, and I owe you everything for never giving up on us and fighting for the life you desire for us. We are grateful for everything you have given up and endured in order to provide us with the life we deserve.

I'm sorry Mama for everything we missed. I apologize for what you go through to keep us alive. For all the tears and anguish you endured in order to bring us joy. I am sorry for not granting you the life you genuinely deserve.

Mama, you will always be in our hearts and we miss you so much. Put your worries aside; I'll take care of Papa and my siblings. I will always make you proud, Mama, so please go rest in paradise with the Lord, and have peace.

Mama, I love you so much, and I miss you every day.

Just wanted to say thank you for this amazing writing prompt, Miss @jane1289. God bless you!