Scroll of Time Chapter V || Self-acceptance.

The scroll of paper requires me to make decisions and to persist in that resolve - something I find extremely difficult.

For me, it is natural to constantly question my own decisions and look for alternative solutions - I go round in circles, fight with myself and end up drowning in a sea of unsolved problems. Scroll is my form of self-therapy. It forces me to be disciplined, decisive. Usually when I'm working on a drawing, I get halfway through and tear it up because I'm not happy with the result. Plus the very thought of an unfinished drawing doesn't allow me to concentrate. That's why I find it easiest to get rid of it and start over.

With a roll of paper it's not so easy. I have to decide what the next scene will be about, plan it and finish it because the alternative is to destroy the continuity of the roll. The stakes are therefore high.

Even though ‘Scroll of Time’ is quite strenuous task already I decided to raise the bar again.

Self-portrait

One of the most difficult drawing exercises. The last time I attempted to draw my face was at the beginning of my art studies. And even then - it was not my decision. It was one of the homework assignments in my drawing classes. Both then and now, I found the exercise exhausting. Drawing yourself is fundamentally different from drawing others. The very decision to choose a pose or a grimace is almost impossible to make. When we draw others - we want to resemble their anatomy as well as show the shadow of the character and appearance of the portrayed. On the top of that - we unintentionally try to choose a flattering frame or pose.

Drawing one self likeness is different. At least for me. I don't look at my face in the mirror very often. Apart from using concealer under my eyes, I don't use colour cosmetics at all. I need a mirror sometimes to check that my hair isn't in an crazy mess and that I don't have spinach between my teeth. But I don't look at my face in the mirror in its entirety almost at all. So attempting to draw it - gave me nothing but headache.

I had to face up to how my face had changed over the last few years. How many wrinkles had appeared, how the skin tone and thickness had changed. How the dark circles under my eyes have become even more pronounced than they were a few years ago. The eyes have become more glassy and the irises are now filled with spots and discolouration.

I took hundreds of photos in search of the 'real me'. The photos in which I tried to look 'pretty' came out weird and artificial, so after a while – I simply stopped trying. So I started making grimaces - something I always manage to make others laugh. These faces do not add to my beauty or character. But they are a good mask to hide the simple fact that I don't like looking at my reflection in the mirror. Let this exercise be a step towards self-acceptance.