Thoughts on my failures

I start this post with the conviction that it could be one of the most important since I came to hive, recognizing our failures and saying them publicly has never been easy, I will write from my heart and I will be very sincere because it is a post made for me, hopefully it can be useful to others for reflection.

When I read the 2 options on the prompt of this community, the one about failures caught my attention and it was the topic I selected; I immediately started to think back in order to answer the question: what was the failure that left me an important lesson and changed my perspective? After a few minutes I could not even find one of my failures, maybe it was a bad move of my own ego that I did not think I had, Ego that clouded my reason and did not allow me to recognize the failure that I have had in my life, because I am clear that I am not perfect, I must have important failures.

Maybe wanting to convince myself that I am a successful person erased me from the memory of my failures, feeling myself a successful person can be a deception, in a moment while trying to remember some failure, I felt despair, angry with myself, how is it possible that I don't remember any failure of my 45 years! I must have some important failure and in order to achieve success and progress I have to recognize them, but honestly I did not remember any or I did not want to see any of my failures I was blindfolded by the ego of self-deception for several minutes I sincerely tried to search in my conscience, in my memory doing introspection, but I could not remember any failure, since I was a child I followed the rules, I was obedient in my responsibilities and I followed the right path, that one that although it looks dark it is straight, without distractions.

I resorted to looking online for a resource to help me identify the failures in my life. I found a very interesting test, but it didn't give the answer I was looking for until I decided to ask the person who knows and loves me best, my mother.

Sitting in the living room of the house, once I gave up looking outside for what I could find inside, and in order not to get more anxious, I asked my mum ‘mummy, you know me perfectly well, you know what my failures have been, help me to identify them, I can't remember them’ and she said to me in a loving tone, ‘My mother, in her great wisdom and with no intention of making me feel bad, took me to that moment where I recognised that one of the biggest failures I have had, has been to not pursue either of the two university degrees I have studied.

Incredibly, I could not recognise that as a failure, after having studied for so long and not practising my professions is obviously a failure for any professional, especially for me who was always an excellent student and I kept myself in the top places and while I was studying I decided to practise those professions to put them at the service of others and also to help with the income that I would generate for my family. Not pursuing the profession is a failure in my life and it can be a failure in anyone's life, regardless of the circumstances that led me not to pursue it. The true road to success is full of uncertainties, dangerous curves and difficult trials in solitude.

The excuses why I did not pursue my professions can be many, and I make the caveat that I paid for both careers by working myself, one of those excuses is that I did not get the opportunity to work in them, in my second career I graduated at the age of 32 and in most of them they asked for experience and I did not have it, Also because I had a stable job in education and I didn't want to let go of this stability and risk being left without a fixed income to look for a better job. Excuses can be many, even my own illnesses were limited to look for a job in the professions I graduated from, but that doesn't take away from the fact that it was an important failure in my life. At that moment I felt like I was in a tunnel.

It surprises me that I did not see it as such that I could not identify it, it is possible that it has been a product of the fact that the concept of success has changed during all this time, for example I thought that success was to have a house, car and profession at the age of 25 when I reached that age I saw that these goals were not so easy to achieve and I continued studying and preparing myself, but with the passing of time the concept of success changed, the material part no longer had the same weight as sharing time with my family.

Currently, I dedicate my time to taking care of my grandmother, who is 93 years old, and her house, also to solving daily problems and supporting my family. Yes, not exercising my professions is a very big failure, I cannot say that it changed my perspective to recognise it because I am just assimilating it, accepting it and I feel very bad, I feel a deep sadness, I feel that I have let my family down, my parents, although I have been a good daughter and I have been with them, perhaps not supporting them economically as I would like with the fruit of my studies saddens me.

Now what I have to do is to sit down and write down on paper all the failures that I remember, because this is the beginning of a work of introspection, not to torture myself, but to grow, because they say that you have to learn from failures. I thank the community for this moment of self-reflection, this is my response to the weekly edition of Hive Naija Prompt Edition 55.

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