Every day, after waking up and taking a shower, I would prepare to say a prayer. My prayers were (and are) always the same: "LIFE, HEALTH AND PROTECTION". It is not that I am a strict follower of the Christian religion; I carry faith in my heart and I believe in a unique God, and I look for ways to understand this life and the complex virtue that surrounds it. I know that each one of us has a different perspective, because we think and believe according to what is born of conscience and understanding, and yet, at some point, it seems that the answers are far from clear. Fate is uncertain, and sometimes it gives us unwanted evidence. During these three months I have been dealing with so many things: the death of my brother has been one of them. It seems that when we lose someone immediately the world ends...

Is it possible to overcome such a great loss?

It's difficult, I don't think that physical absence can be forgotten, my dad would say: "we learn to live with it." Mourning is a painful and unimaginable process, only understandable to those of us who have experienced it. We miss that loved one that we can no longer see or hug... then comes that deep emptiness; a loneliness that covers us and leads us to think that there will never be a way out and that everything is lost. I say this because I went through that stage and still today I have so many questions about my thoughts. However, I have also learned to hold on to the good memories: the ones that radiate hope and make me trust that they undoubtedly left to go to a much better place.

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When we hear "mourning" we automatically think of sad things, and how can we not think about it? A part of us leaves forever and with it, some of that happiness that characterizes us so much. Come on! We are human beings and it is impossible not to feel affected by the physical departure of a loved one; of that person who shared so many beautiful experiences. I was raised being very close to my brothers, so close that even they saw me as a second father: I was like the one who gave advice and avoided arguments, I have characterized myself for being that way for as long as I can remember. But sometimes things get out of hand, even when it seems like we have everything under control.

After my brother's departure I thought of many things, including getting rid of what I liked so much because I simply didn't see meaning in life. I seriously thought about leaving Hive and focusing on the pain for at least a year. I didn't feel like anything at all and, secretly, I cried hitting my head because I felt that what had happened was my fault: for not insisting and not being there with my brother. That guilt comes even though it's not ours, and it's something that eats away at you as if something were burning you from the inside. The first days I encouraged my parents and younger brother, but internally I suffered and hid it. He wanted to be strong even though he wasn't!

Mourning is like this: inhospitable; some express it openly, others hide it and I think this is the one that hurts the most. When we do not express what we feel, something oppresses us in the chest, and that anxiety appears that forces you not to sleep and to think too much about things that will not happen. It's something I still struggle with, but one I'm determined to beat.

Throughout the initial mourning process none of our relatives denied God, we knew it was his will. I understand that religious perceptions can vary, I understand. But it was that faith in God that allowed us to understand a lot: to process pain, to turn it into hope, and to look forward to the beauty of physical and spiritual life. My brother was always characterized by being happy: he didn't like anything sad at all. He was a rumbero, even I affectionately called him: “My Crazy”. Reflecting on and honoring his memory, both my parents and my younger brother and I decided to remember him as he was and still is: "Happy."

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And it is strange because thinking about mourning or mourning can be anything but something “happy”, in those moments what we least want is to hear people say the following: “they must resign themselves”. Sometimes people do not understand what a loss represents and take it indifferently, and I understand it because it is not something that everyone understands; however, we must put our hand on our hearts and measure our words well before offering condolences. In any case, it is always better to understand and understand, and allow that person to vent their feelings.