Too Heavy to Decline, and It's Too Burdensome to Accept It!

I just received the support that I need, all I have to do is accept it wholeheartedly and gratefully, but I am overthinking so much that I can't make a decision right away. And what's worse, I feel so burdened about it that I just don't want to come up with the decision at all. I am really stupid and crazy, don't you agree? All I have to do is say yes, and we can do it right away. But my mind is saying "no," though. What to do? ⊙﹏⊙

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So here's a short story. If you don't have any idea yet and haven't read my previous article, here's a little summary. I received the bad news on October 10 about me having a nasal polyp again in my nose and that I have to undergo surgery again. And sadly, another bomb was thrown in my face that time when the doctor said that unfortunately, the price for the surgery today got doubled, which means it went from $1091 to $2113 and could go up to $2288 or more.

When I heard it, I really wanted to cry. Good thing I stopped myself from doing so. If only I had listened to him before when he advised that I needed to do a checkup every 6 months to see if it regrows because there is really a high chance that it will go back again. I just set it aside and ignored it-stupid me! Now I'm in regret! But no use crying over spilled milk, as it already happened. I accepted it.

When I got home, my oldies thought that they would receive good news regarding it. But, sadly, it's actually bad news. We had a lot of talk that night, and we are also blaming those foods I ate in the past 6 years that they thought were the reason why they grew back again, lol. We blame the chicken, the egg, those processed foods I ate, even the canned goods. And even the furs of these lovely fur babies, the dust everywhere, and more I mean, there's really no reason why it is back aside from the fact that it will really go back no matter what.

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Now, about the help I received. Actually, this is already the second time she has urged me to do the surgery, saying that she has money and that I should use it. But I firmly said "no" to her. I told her that I have savings, all I had to do was convert them all. I will just wait for the right moment to do that, I added. So she doesn't say anymore. It's my decision anyway, and she respected it.

Believe me, guys, I know it was stupidity on my part to decline that help. Oh, did I forget to mention that it's my mommy Flor (Auntie) who lends the help? She's also the one who spent the money on my first surgery, and I am too ashamed to even ask for it a second time. I don't have a thick face to be doing that. I didn't even do that much for her to deserve more help from her. I just don't think I deserve it. No, no, it's really just that my heart can't take it.

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They are so worried for me that they worry it may get severe or that I might get an infection from it. Even I was afraid of the thought, seriously! And I am tempted to just convert all of my cryptos, get surgery, and start all over again with a healthy body. But I'm still stuck with that plan. I am not yet done thinking. Maybe they are getting tired waiting for me to come up with a decision that they offer the help.

I mean, it is my mom's hard-earned money meant for her retirement. Thinking that I will use it for myself, I feel like it's too much. I feel like it is a burden for me that I have to make a choice. I want to get better, but I don't know. Originally, I would have the surgery once my savings went up a little, maybe just enough to do the maintenance after the surgery. But I'm not sure yet if this will happen this year or next year.

But then, it got me thinking again after Mommy F repeated her offer yesterday. She said, "You don't have to convert your money, you don't have to withdraw it. I have money, just use it and go with the surgery." So, for me to don't feel so burdened about it, I just replied, "Then, is it okay if I give the money back once my savings grow a little? It may take some time." She replied again and said, "Okay, if that's what you want." But I added that I will think about it again.

At least, by doing that, I won't be too guilty to accept the money. I am just borrowing it I am confident that I can repay a debt. And, while I'm thinking too, my other mommy, which is Mommy D, also needs to undergo the implant for her eyes because of cataracts. I will let her do that first, maybe after that, I will have already come up with the decision by then. Hopefully ⊙﹏⊙.