Never again

I have a friend who would sometimes tell me that he wants to get angry, he wants someone to punch him...he's not crazy, it's just a feeling that he gets sometimes, the need to want to be angry. And at first I thought it was a strange thing, but then I realize that a lot of us do get these kinds of feelings too but in different ways. Sometimes we feel the need to want to be sad, so we go online to watch sad videos or sad movies and just cry our heart out, it's a crazy thing when you think about it, but most times it just makes us feel good.

_{Photo by Maryna Kazmirova}

I had one of those feelings earlier this morning when I got up from bed. I had woken up feeling angry for no reason at first, but then it didn't take long for my brain to come up with one, one that always gets me upset whenever I think about it, although it's also one of the reasons why I told myself "Never again".

You see, back when I used to be addicted to gambling, I would use up all of my money gambling and then would go beg my friends for money, promising to pay them back at a particular date because I had a job at the time. Now unlike most gamblers, I always made sure to keep to my word, I made sure to pay them immediately I had the money because irrespective of how addicted I was to gambling, I also knew that my word was my bond and if I broke it, there would be no one to lend to me tomorrow.

But then something happened one particular day that just kinda set me straight. I had asked a friend for money and he had said no. He didn't say he didn't have it, he had just said no because to him, he felt he knew what I needed it for. I tried explaining to him that I needed it for something else (which was the honest truth) but he never believed me. I remember his eyes that day and how he looked at me like I was a disgrace or a piece of shit.

I remember feeling very angry that day, angry at myself for putting myself in that situation where I gamble to the extent of not having any penny to fend for myself. That was the day I took a decision, not to stop gambling (that stopped later on) but to never put myself in that situation anymore where someone gets to insult me because of money, especially if it's money that I easily could afford on a good day.

And now, whenever I think about that day and how I was spoken to, it just makes my blood boil because if there's one thing I hate more than being disrespected, it's being the reason for the disrespect.