Silence your mind!

I will never stop dreaming, I will have strength to win, courage not to give up, patience to persist.
(Andrew Parker)

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After a long time I'm back to posting in this community, you know what?
I really missed it so much!

First of all I would like to thank @galenkp both for this beautiful place he has created called WEEKEND EXPERIENCE and for the opportunity it offers us.
The thing I thank him most for is for his presence in my life, silent at times but very incisive, even in the period in which I passed away and we didn't speak, I knew he was there, when I returned he welcomed me back and always had words of comfort for me as well as giving me lots of advice at the beginning.

Thank you very much!

I must admit that there have been many here on Hive who have shown me affection and I consider myself lucky
So thank you so much everyone!

Let's get to us, from the opening aphorism you might think that I will deal with the topic of tenacity, I confess that it was my thought, but then I decided to focus on the first idea; for those who know me a little it's easy to understand why, currently I really only have one thing in mind and I can't separate myself from it in any way.

My thoughts and mind are practically monopolized.

Since before Samuele was born and since we discovered his heart defect, the thought of his operation has accompanied me and never leaves me.

I think it's normal for a father to find himself in this situation of mine.
I have to admit that it's not easy and I confess that this weekend theme comes at just the right time because I'm throwing out what's inside me and I've never done it before.

The first operation that Samuele faced was supposed to be simple and among other things it was only a palliative to allow him to reach the day of the definitive operation in good health.
However, that wasn't even a walk in the park, there were complications and we were lucky to be in the hands of those who I must define as true luminaries.

The days following this first operation were heartbreaking, seeing our baby with a whole series of tubes coming out of his body, hearing him cry and only being able to see him for a couple of hours a day on alternate days was the worst thing I ever experienced. happened in life; however, the day they sent us home I felt a wonderful feeling because Samuele was finally well and after that surgery he spent the next few months in peace.

Just to give a little context to Samuele, in the first surgery an aortic bandage was done, this serves to allow less blood to reach the heart and consequently allows our Son to breathe better, he no longer worries and his heart has normal heartbeats; before the surgery, to put it simply, it was as if Samu was always running a marathon; at rest, when he slept, his heart rate was at 190 and this naturally had the consequence that he did not grow or gain weight.

Now the situation is normal and he is breathing well and growing at the right rate.

As I said, however, this operation was a palliative and within the first year of his life our Nanetto will have to undergo heart surgery.

I do nothing but think about this surgery, I try to always be optimistic and try to let positive thoughts pervade me but it's not easy.

Worry grips me and if during the day I can distract myself a little by taking care of Samuele and thanks to my beloved Reny, the night is a completely different thing.

Anxiety attacks me and naturally I can't fall asleep until the sun has risen, sleep comes only through exhaustion; during these night hours, despite trying to distract myself in every way, I can't.
I realize that fear dominates me, it pervades me and I can't face it, the only thing I can do is let myself be weakened by tiredness so I can sleep for a few hours.

The operation that Samuele will carry out is very delicate, the doctors who have always followed him and who will carry out this second operation are among the best in the world, but this does not reassure me.

Of course, the fact that I am unable to calm down is certainly not the fault of the doctors or anyone else, it is something that exists only in my head and in my heart.

There is no meditation or breathing exercise that works, the only moments in which I feel calm and balanced are those in which I have my son in my arms.

The thought of the day he will have the operation and of those that will follow is a real obsession for me because the more I try to remove him from my mind, even just for a few moments, the more he is stuck there and won't budge.

To avoid thinking thoughts that I don't like, I sometimes try to empty my mind; I can't, but in my life I have learned to silence my mind and as far as I know he is there at least I can avoid visualizing bad things.

However, the fact remains that I have to live with anxiety and fear which sometimes becomes real terror; I have to hide all this because I can't make my weaknesses weigh on my family and then I have to always be able to smile to make Samuele and Reny laugh as much as possible and to alleviate this difficult and particular moment in our lives and make it as serene as possible.

Well I think you will have understood what thought accompanies me and is always present in my mind, it is not something hypothetical but it is really there.
At this point I can also say goodbye, I have also written enough.

Thank you for coming this far, thank you for listening to me and I'm sorry if I burdened you with this outburst of mine.

I hug you!

Yes, I too was born among men. I had never seen the Jungle. They passed me food from behind bars in an iron container until one night I felt that I was Bagheera, the Panther, and not a plaything for men, and I broke the stupid lock with my paw and went away; and because I had learned the wiles of men, I became more terrible in the Jungle than Shere Khan.”

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Texts are translated with simultaneous translators; to avoid any misunderstanding I have decided that they will all be translated exclusively with Google Translate.
Of course, English is not my first language, but I try, forgiving any errors and imperfections in Translate.