Self esteem
It's understandable to feel anxious and insecure about the past, especially when it comes to relationships. But it's important to remember that the past doesn't have to define the present. Just because someone has feelings for another person at one point doesn't mean those feelings will always be there. It's possible for people to change, and for their relationships to change as well. So instead of dwelling on the past, focus on the present and the future. Try to appreciate what you have in the moment, instead of worrying about what could happen in the future.
However, during the night, I suddenly awaken from a dream involving my boyfriend and his previous girlfriend, who had a nearly long-term relationship with him before me. In the dream, she contacted him to discuss a television show that I was unfamiliar with. We were lying in bed together, and I could overhear their conversation. He had a smile on his face and was laughing. Towards the end, just before she ended the call, she confessed that she still loved him, and he responded by admitting that he still loved her as well. This caused me to forcibly wake myself up.
When I wake up again, it's nearly noon. I rise from bed and open the blinds, allowing the radiant snow to illuminate my apartment. I decide to indulge myself and make waffles using my waffle maker. I opt to have a substantial breakfast by including eggs, sausage, and a side of fruit. Breakfast happens to be my favorite meal, and I seldom have the chance to truly savor it, so I'm seizing this opportunity.
Now, what other activities can I engage in with this unforeseen leisure time?
I recline on my couch and tap on the audio meditation. I allow the host, Zariah Terry, to guide me through three deep breaths, helping me ease into the practice. I repeat the inhalation and exhalation through my mouth, following her guidance.
"How often have you found yourself comparing to others? In today's meditation, I want you to contemplate the individuals you need to stop comparing yourself to," Zariah Terry's soothing voice resonates. "Reflect on who you are at this moment and why it's essential to cease comparing yourself to past versions of yourself, which lacked the knowledge you possess now. Let this serve as a reminder that you need not measure your life against the circumstances and goals of others that do not align with your own."
I take another deep breath, finding solace in her calming, gentle, and amicable tone. The soft background music accompanying her voice aids me in sinking deeper into a state of focus. With closed eyes, I embrace her instruction to employ our breath as a means to settle into this state of presence and mindfulness.
She pauses, gathering her thoughts, before resuming, "Reflect on a time when you held a diminished view of yourself. It could be a memory from your younger years, or perhaps certain experiences still linger within you. It might even be a more recent occurrence. Address that previous version of yourself and reassure them that you are still here, persevering. Despite the expectations you may have had for encouragement or support from family, friends, teachers, or employers... Take this moment to offer yourself those empowering words. Whether directed towards your present self or the younger version of you that still yearns for healing and love."
To my younger self... to the me of the past... to the high school version of me... Life may not unfold exactly as you envisioned, but that doesn't diminish its greatness.
I take in another deep breath through my mouth, holding it momentarily, before finally exhaling the breath.