Leather Man
It's not morally acceptable to wear leather these days.
Von Humphing leaned forward and fingered the lapel of my jacket with a frown.
A bunch of us had decided to go to the pub for a few pints after work. By now, on what I thought to be my fifth pint the world had taken on a sparkly sheen and everything felt just right.
At least until Von Humphing had rolled up alongside me with his slippery face and accusing eyes.
I tugged the lapels of my fine jacket before sniffing deeply and looking down my formidable nose at him.
It's not leather, little man. It's fake.
I said this with the sincerity of a man assuring his wife-to-be that he has never peed in the kitchen sink when drunk.
That's not fake, it's real.
Von Humphing fingered my lapel faster as if to bring it to a shuddering climax.
I can assure you that this leather jacket is one hundred per cent fake! Fake leather, made from a fake cow!
I pronounced with an absurd cockiness as if we were two stoats racing to fill a bucket of water with little porcelain cups and my cup was the bigger of the two.
Von Humphing peered at me suspiciously then pulled himself in close to my collar and sniffed.
Ha! I can smell it, it's leather. It's not fake at all!?
His tone smacked of triumph and at that moment he reminded me of the famous story about the man with the small penis in Las Vegas unable to find anyone willing to accept a little deposit who eventually died in the desert after drunkenly trying to mate with a scorpion. It's really not leather, that's a fake leather smell. Tell you what, lick it. You will see. I tugged the collar of my jacket towards him invitingly. I... I... What!? Von Humphing looked at me with disbelief, like an NFT holder checking the dollar value of his crypto wallet after buying some killer limited edition NFTs as an investment a year earlier. You heard, lick it. Lick my jacket. You will see it's not leather. I flipped my jacket lapel to the side and cupped my left manboob at him as if it were a choice between the two. That's the best way of dealing with malcontents I have found. I will not lick it! He snorted furiously like a horse finding out that the lamb chop it is eating comes from New Zealand. Then you have to accept my word that it is fake! I wobbled my near-empty pint glass at him chastisingly. Doesn't look fake. Von Humphing grunted defeatedly. Well it is, now go buy me another pint and I will forgive you for your rudeness! You rascal! I nodded in the direction of the bar and Von Humphy-knickers shot me one last suspicious look before heading off to buy another round. I sniffed proudly like a badger steering a boat and giggled at his retreating back. Idiot... As if I would let someone like him lick my fancy-schmancy leather jacket!?
His main mistake of course was choosing the missionary position.
That dollar number ain't ever going up baby!
It is a known fact that Horses have an inimical hatred of New Zealand
Everything is „fake“ these days, even my leggings but I only paid 18 EU for those lookalike 😜😜😜
I think only fools spend a fortune on stuffs now!
Long time no see mammasitta!
Very humorous, you were actually able to convince him it was 'fake' leather. So smart!😉
I fear it might have been the alcohol that fuddled his senses into believing me! 😀
You're analogies are especially funny today. I lol'd for real at the NFT one.
Why would wearing leather be a problem though? We eat the cow so it has already died. Isn't it better to use all parts of it? Would he rather we waste it and just throw it away? I don't really understand the logic there. Someone educate me please...
Exactly. If we eat the meat then w should use the rest of it. I'm not in favour of killing animals just for their coats but I'm the care of leather, bombs away!!
Hehe, NFTs, people just have been nuts to buy them!! 😀
Yeah it's kind of like the restaurants that market themselves as being special because they use all cuts of meat - snout to tail or whatever. It's great but it's not special lol, the large food manufacturers literally use every single piece of the animal, down to selling the inner linings of the intestines to the medical industry. It's like fractions of a percentage point that is wasted.
Killing animals we don't eat just for fashion is a different story. I don't agree with that. But in the case of leather...
Yeah, they love a marketing angle. these restaurants don't always get that stoke if it's don't want inventively prepared hoof or lips 😀😀
Mi hija opina lo contrario viste chaqueta de cuero rojo
Y le queda muy bien!!
Jajajaja 🤣😂😂😂
Fake leather surely not.
Great strategy though, deflect and attack.
My principle of attack always!!!
I always hate it when people start questioning what you are wearing!
Yeah it has bugger all to do with them.
People and their itchy noses!!
It makes almost 2.5 litre beer, wow you are a good drinker mate 😄
When I get to five it starts to get a bit hazy. Six is usually the max!! 🤣
I didn't know leather was taboo, hadn't heard that one.
I wonder how you become a leather tasting expert....LOL
NFTs....funny I don't hear anything about those these days. I read about them when they came out and didn't understand it. I thought once again some group of people were going to make lots of money off a great scam again. I mean, among other things about them, they were not even produced where you couldn't copy and paste them, so if anybody ever wanted a copy.... well....just take it !
Leather tastery is a dying art!
I remember when NFTs raised their ugly head and I literally had no idea why you would pay to own a gif that people would just use anyway. Or in the case is most of them, no-one would use because they were shite. Just another crypto scamming!! 😀
🤣🤣🤣🤣. I am meant to be speechless but have got some words to say.
With this, I have some thoughts in me that you could have tried it and what the Good Lady reaction might have been, lol.
Also, about the man with a small penis in Las Vegas, I can't help but chuckle deeply at the picture in my mind, especially when he made the mistake below.
It's a terrible mistake to make with a scorpion!! 🤣🤣
I can of course neither confirm or deny such toiletry antics in the kitchen. My life literally depends upon it!
Lol... very terrible indeed, haha.
🤣🤣. Now, I have to reserve my comment. How kind of the Good Lady to treat you when she finds out 😆😆. Sorry in advance.
She will never find out because there is no evidence of such a crime!! 😀😀
🤣🤣🤣... gangster. You did really well.
I always try!!
That's better than nothing, eh?
Damned by faint praise, hehe 😀
🤣🤣🤣. Good to go.
It’s crazy how we have more of fake things these days
You hardly find original
Original is often the best as well!!
!BEER Real deal Mr Von Humphing no cracks, simply good wear and tear. Smell is he who wears it, BO you know!
It is splendidly worn and torn! It could tell stories!!
And the smell is quite distinctive! Lol
Mold to body, lasts a lifetime. Stories..., I can imagine, so won't ask!
Some things are best left unspoken! hehe
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So it's not 'pleather'? I have a leather biker jacket that has been using for actual biking and even has some damage from me falling off. The damn thing is so heavy! Not sure if I come over all mid-life crisis when I wear it though. Nobody's licking it anyway.
I do have a pleather jacket as well! At least some kind of fake thing. It's quite funky. There one I was wearing is just like you say, slightly biker style and weighs a tonne!
And it has remained unlicked till this day 😀😀
Your tale of fake leather is stimulating and interesting. It was worth reading, thanks for sharing. At first I wondered if it was fiction or nonfiction.
It is a fantastically embroidered tale of non-fiction!
Hehe, I am wondering just what is a fake cow?
It's the best of cows!!! 😀😀
That test to figure out the authenticity of the leather is just.. next level, lol 🤯😆
You need to beard the lion in it's den in these situations!! 😀😀
Absolutely haha
Mr. Mester envious people always swarm left and right, good strategy that "lick and if you like it" get out and learn to manage your emotions for a full life.
Dear friend, I really wish that our search will be fruitful and revealing.🔆
In the end those who search will surely find!
Envious people always look to train on others parades. That's why we must never let them!!
So is my respected friend and envy instead of enhancing their virtues end up exposing their shortcomings
Hehe I knew you couldn't be a pleather man! You are fantastic at the game of 'Turn the Tables' lol I couldn't best you if I tried!
I feel there is a story in there somewhere about horses and New Zealand
No one will ever get to the bottom of the horses and the land of Kiwis!!
I was wearing my finest, how dare he attempt to bring it down! 😀😀
Apparently he didn't know just who he was dealing with lol
They always misjudge my amiable demeanour ... :OD
😁
Mother of the verb... one comes across all sorts of things here... 😂
It can be a strange place and I like to live up to my part in it 🤣🤣
it's always an adventure to read and a lot of laughs 🤣
Hehe, thank you!
Let her lick it!
Unfortunate that it was a him.
It might have been a very different tale had she been a lady!! 🤣🤣
You never know these days ;<)
Very true!!
He's alive, he's ALIVE!!!
Great to have you back Boomy!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Oh I've met a few Von Humphings in my days! A good swift kick up the hole is what those lads want!
There aren't enough swift kicks being delivered in the world today!!
I am back after the mammoth boozefest of the festive period. I was quite glad to get back to work and calm down a bit!
Did you mean is was “real simulated leather” or my favorite “old English vinyl”
Thanks for the funny story.
The old english on this occasion! :OD
They were Dell boys jacket's he was selling out of his three wheeler van.
Del Boy sells the best, no refunds guaranteed!
Fake? i am also fake :P
Haha, Arent we all really! :OD
we are
I am wearing genuine leather boots, and anyone who doesn't like it is welcome to lick them, too. People are welcome to piss and moan, but they can't blame me for microplastics and landfill waste from synthetic footwear, and I have undeniable proof of a cow no longer farting.
I dont think I have much in the footwear department that doesn't comprise of some part cow! There is gonna be a lotta licking.
Cows and their farting, who would have thought?
I think this world needs more farting, lest the pent-up pressure of hot air and shit spews forth from the upper orifice in the form of political campaigning.
!PIZZA
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Thank you!
That whole interaction was hilarious. The moment he started sniffing you already had me in stitches, but when you invited him to lick you [the jacket], I was losing it. I wonder if he would have done so if he was more drunk haha.
I don't really get the disdain for leather goods. From what I've read, it is a co-product of the meat industry. Most of the leather used by big corporations are from the cows used for food/milk. So everyone is just losing out if they don't use those cow hide anyways.
Thats a good point, a couple more pints down the road and he might have taken me up on my jacket licking offer!
I dont get it either. I wouldn't wear something that was just killed for its skin but I a happy to wear the by products of animals that are killed anyway for their meat!
Is your dog wearing real fur, too? Should I lick it to check?
It's the only way to check! 😀
Welcome back :) I don't get it, why would a stranger walk up and complain about your jacket?
This post has been manually curated by the VYB curation project
It was a good break!! I am glad to be back.
That would have been weird but he wasn't a total stranger he was a dude in my work!
It was still a weird thing for him to argue about, unless he's vegan / vegetarian?
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hahahaha, I imagine that man licking your jacket and you hahahaha wishing he would lick something else hahahaha.
Man you make my imagination fly hahahahaha.
Haha, I think I would have stuck with the jacket licking!!! 🤣🤣
Fake leather or not, you were going to have another round of pint...that was smart of you😅
If in doubt have another pint is a good motto to live by!! 😀😀
Definitely, it's something worth living 😀
!WOC
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All this banta over a jacket that was leather😅 With such a convincing outlay you could sell stones to an egg buyer and make him a customer too.🤩
I have been quite good when I dabbled in sales back in my youth :OD
Ahah! Talent in its raw form, I knew I saw something. It has been brought to life;)
That's some quick thinking on your part! Lol. Vegan leather is all the rage now but it would feel like you were wrapped in Saran wrap. Seems like it would result in profuse sweating and hypothermia.
I can honestly see animal rights activists' point about not wearing fur because the animals are just raised for that purpose. Leather, on the other hand, would just be thrown away if it wasn't used as long as people are still eating meat.
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Oh you
Fucking, funny you!
Yeah. You'd still be the ultimate wingman. Fake bomber jacket et al.
Hell. I'd also buy you another pint and I'm all into avoiding alcohol and trying not to kill cows.
Even if you can make a ton of cash off 'em :D
I used to wear a black biker jacket full of zips and interesting things. Can't remember where it went. But they're a dime a dozen.
The barely threaded together one I currently have in my pocketses is fake though 👍🏾
But my black leather boots, still going after eleven odd years (shabby chic anyone?) are the real deal. Don't tell ;)
Hell yeah real men wear leather. Why waste the skin when all the steaks are out of 'em, I say! And, for added effect, I always dab on some Tom Ford Tuscan Leather eau de parfum. It aint cheap, but it is nice.
Hah! I wouldn’t buy a new one NOW, but mostly because it’s too warm pretty much all year long where I live. Sweat and leather don’t go together. In a different place and in the late 80s — early 90s when I was a kid leather jackets were a THING. My last two leather jackets were both from second hand stores, and I wore them till they started falling apart.
Interestingly, today somehow it’s more “okay” to wear leather boots (at least in the regions of the world with REAL winters where one can’t survive wearing fabric shoes all year round) than leather jackets.
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