Reminiscing

Reminiscing on the events of the past eight months was something I had loads of time for, post-surgery, from which I've recovered well, by the way.

The unthinkable of last July put a hold on the trip of a lifetime when hubby had to go into hospital for exploratory surgery, but it did not end the way I wanted.

The strength of the human spirit thankfully kicked in, but one has to be receptive and not simply give up!

My life has changed dramatically, but I've survived, and am starting to master the art of surviving this new life, and acting being brave. At times I feel like I'm ready to conquer the world but the next moment am thrown off-balance again.

There naturally have been, and still are, times of immense sadness, and feelings of hopelessness, but also some really good times. There are so many things I want to tell him, but can't!

My first solo trip to our son was bittersweet. It was at special celebrations that I realized just how my role had changed. It now is just me, a widow, an awful word that I avoid, but seeing that I'm no longer part of a pair becomes clearer at these gatherings.

Sounds like I feel sorry for myself right?
Yes, I do, at times, but it's part of the grieving process.

Angry, yes, that also, but I started accepting that my Arthur would never have been the same again; I am so proud and feel so privileged that he chose me to share his life, a brave and very special man whom I miss dearly.

However, life continues, and I am starting to do things around the house again.

I did much planning while recovering and have started doing little projects with the help of my very able gardener-cum-handyman; Arthur taught him well, several basic engineering skills like the importance of drainage behind even the lowest retaining wall or steps.

The best advice I was given, was not to make hasty decisions. When I look around I see a beautiful garden and comfortable house, the BnB cottage in the garden that basically is running itself with our regular returning guests, and the most amazing staff.

Some friends and family told me to sell up and move to a smaller home, in an over 55's estate!
Humph, I'm not ready for that yet; I certainly don't want to bump into someone every time I step out my door, no matter how nice they are!

I can be who I want to be here, get into my car if I need company, walk around the garden with no prying eyes, sit at my PC for hours, binge-watch TV series some days, as that is how things were before, except there now is an empty chair, pillows that stay fluffed up on one side of the bed, and the one I shared my deepest feelings with, is not here.

Moving home and changing everything overnight while still grieving, is unimaginable, so I'll stay right where I am.

Life is for the living, and I'm doing it my way!

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