Breathless - Facing those Firsts
Stupid things like a new guest asking for our BnB business card take my breath away when I pull one out of the box, why?
I realize I need to have new biz cards printed, as one name has to be removed. Damn, I could not wait for the guest to leave as the floodgates were about to open!
Why are those firsts so difficult?
It's almost like a new baby having to learn to walk on their own, or a young child going to 'big school' for the first time.
These little chicks pecking in the sand in search of juicy worms, learning to fend for themselves by imitating Mother Hen, remind me of the times I'm facing now. I'm having to learn to walk on my own, without the one who became my rock in a crazy world.
Going to our favourite shopping mall, and seeing the Christmas lights used to be a time of wonder, even at my age!
This time around I realized that another first will be waking up on Christmas morning without him by my side, or sleeping in and waking up to the aroma of coffee and a Christmas mince pie on my bedside table. All the material gifts in the world cannot make up for that!
Two desks, one a Hive of activity, while the other desk is silent and in darkness as its owner will never return to sit here again!
Our numbers are dwindling, out of four in this photo taken at a happy birthday celebration, only two remain, my youngest brother and I. We experienced our first Christmas without Mom last year, and that was bittersweet. I/we would never ever, in our wildest dreams nightmares have thought this would be the first Christmas without my sweet man, much loved by everyone, family and friends alike!
I had a vague understanding of how difficult these firsts must be when it comes to the loss of a life partner, but now see I had no inkling of the severity of it all.
I however hope to remain as strong a this giant old Rainbow tree, changing colours as it sheds its bark over time.
I'm shedding layers of emotions as time goes on and these firsts hit me and I evolve into a new me.
As with those little chicks, I'm learning to spread my wings, grow a little stronger and fly solo while dealing with my biggest loss.
I did not feel very strong when going to a bridal shower yesterday, as it was the first time going to my cousin's home without my man, and the fact that we would have been celebrating our 49th (yep, long before many of you were born!) anniversary just before Christmas!
I however hope to grow even more stronger and have the courage to face this unwanted chapter in my life, and hopefully find a brighter tomorrow!
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You're welcome, @lizelle! Keep up the great work and continue to engage with the community. You're well on your way to your next milestone. Happy Hiving!
Sometimes i feel we on this world to live a struggle untill we die we all have diferent ones but they can feel the same, u have a great place to live and how u say, walk on our own. Saludos desde por acá. ❤️🎄
Thank you for your kind words @fonestreet, yes, we all have our own struggles not so! I believe the secret is to remember there will be better days ahead!
And this bad moment won't last forever. ❤️Have a great weekend miss.
Was thinking of yourself and @fionasfavourites yesterday with both being on your own facing a first Christmas without your partners, very difficult road we will all face yet somehow push onto the back burner.
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I was also thinking of Fiona as I was writing this as she's also going through these awful 'firsts'. Yes Joan, we all have to walk this difficult path! Enjoy each other while you can, time runs away with one.
Deep breath, remember the good times with the bad, a never ending river that with no stops along the way, it continues to flow.
I’m so sorry, it must be dreadful for you after so many years together. 😢😢❤️💕
I lost my first husband at a very young age and it was very difficult to learn to live alone.
I’m rooting for you and hope that you accept that your hubs is looking down on you from above and wishing that you’ll be okay. ❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕
How on earth did you cope at such a young age @itsostylish? So many unfulfilled dreams when someone dies at such a young age, you both still had your whole future ahead!
We all deal with grief in our own way but the surreal unbelief and feeling of loss, are feelings we all have in common.
I will be ok, with the help of wonderful friends and family. Bogging about my feelings here on Hive is good therapy, a kind of 'letting go'. Knowing I have virtual friends here who are rooting for me, is very special as well. The world is not such a cold harsh place after all.
Thank you for the encouragement @itsostylish xxx
❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
You will get through all this Lizzie, even if it's going to be very painful initially. Will you be spending Christmas with your youngest and other family members this year?
My youngest son will be here for 2 weeks which will be wonderful, I'm hoping to meet the girl that he started seeing just before Arthur passed on. We'll be celebrating Christmas day with my brother and his extended family, they always make it a fun day, all were very fond of my man.
I will get through this, putting my thoughts into words here on Hive actually is very good therapy.
Thank you for caring and for the encouragement ❤
That virtual pressure on your cheek was me.
I wondered who that was, thank you @dandays
Your thoughts are deeply honest and moving. Going through loss is very tough, and your openness about your personal journey is both brave. I wish you strength and healing as you go, always be strong.
I find it very helpful putting my feelings into words @the-lead, thank you for your kindness!
Yeah, it's lovely and allows one express minds. You are welcome ma'am
👍 ❤️ Upvoted ❤️ 👍
Thank you @sagarkothari88!
@lizelle, You are most welcome.
And don't forget to support me back
I'll keep up the good work.
I can only imagine all these firsts, each with its own challenge. I really feel for you my friend.
Stay strong, but 49 years is truly a lifetime, it will take time for the pain to lessen but the void can never be filled. But ya know we both have to be thankful for those special men in our lives, not too many can go the distance.
Have a blessed and peaceful day my friend.
You are so right my friend, I've been blessed as you still are with having 2 wonderful men at our sides for so many years. It does comfort me to know we had many years together post-retirement and made the best of it by going on jaunts, working on our bnb together, and having lived a fulfilled life. The missing will never go away, but I believe it will get easier as you say.
I hope you're having a wonderful Sunday as well, mine has come to an end, time for bed now!
Wishing you a blessed week ahead, must be freezing over there, while we're melting with the heat and humidity in the southern hemisphere!
I have no words of comfort for you but I can commiserate with you. They say it will get easier with time and I say that it does not get easier, it just gets different. You will smile and laugh again but is is always with the feeling that someone's missing. You had many good years together and I believe you will one day see each other again.
So you've also been through the awful journey of grief! It really is like being on an emotional rollercoaster ride!
That part is a sure thing, but I do believe we will see each other again, although in another realm.
Thank you for your encouragement @tamaralovelace
Ah Lizelle - you are so special. Just wish my mom could have met you in the Netherlands. You are strong and courageous - God bless you richly
And so are you Eden! Thank you for giving me your shoulder when we met in Utrecht when I was not feeling so strong! Yes, it would have been so amazing to have met your Mom, hopefully next year, but I will be in touch with her if and when go again.
God bless you too Eden xxx
I'm so sorry, Lizelle. Grief really is a journey, isn't it? It can be quite unpredictable sometimes. One day at a time.
I'm noticing (especially since Covid) that such a big part of living through my 50's is learning how to deal with loss. It was just my Dad's birthday last week and I drempt about his twice in the days leading up to his birthday. In the first dream we were getting into an old rusty Jaguar convertible to get hamburgers (because he wanted one) and in the other dream we were just talking in the living room. It helps me so much to think that a part of him is still around me, maybe just peeking through a very thin, yet invisible veil.
I wish you a wonderful start to the week!
Thank you for the encouragement and for sharing your feelings Eric. Death is a subject we try to avoid, but I do believe there is just a thin veil between the two worlds. I like to think that our loved ones come to us in our dreams.
After reading about and listening to much on the topics of NDE's, I now believe that what we call life does not end here, and that we in fact move to another realm, in another form.
I first read Dr. Raymond Moody's book Life after Life after losing my brother under tragic circumstances at a young age, and it helped me a lot. Another medical professional, Dr. Bruce Greyson's video Life after Death is very enlightening.
Grief certainly is an awful journey!
You're welcome! I have the same belief about the afterlife. NDE's are very interesting in that so many people have almost the exact same experiences. I'll have to look up the book and the video! There are quite a few NDE stories that people are sharing on YouTube. Everyone I heard of sees life in a completely different way after they come back.
Omg Lizelle.
I was just talking about you the other day. Haven't seen you for a while and found this.
I'm so very sorry for your loss, my darling woman :( Huge.
Massive hugs and strength. You know where to find me if you need to talk or just sit and be in it.
Writing will definitely help you move through it.
Thank you so much, dear Nicky, it's been the most awful time of my life, but I will survive! I was not blogging much, especially in the beginning, but you are so right, writing certainly helps dilute the pain somewhat!
I hope you're keeping well xxx
Loadshedding in 10 min!!!!
Oh my darling
There really are no words
Just love and time. No need to reply. ❤️❤️❤️
I was touched by your post.. time does not cure everything, but it makes us to better handle some situations
It is good that you have “writing” to soothe your soul
!hug to you
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Thank you so very much @katerinaramm. I also don't think the pain will ever fade with time, but we can learn with time how to cope with it a little better.
Writing definitely is a good way to try and make sense of this immense loss xxx
Holidays and special events that you once shared with your best pal must be extremely difficult to attend. Despite your loss, you have so many fond memories to fall back on and that gives you the courage to live on and flourish
I'm not sure how some folks can live without ever having a soulmate by their side. I couldn't imagine losing my partner whom I have known since she was 16, but I do know that folks like us have been filled with love and a passion for living because we met a person like no other.
God bless you Lizelle, your strength is to be admired.
Thank you @thebigsweed!
Yes it will be difficult to walk in there without him by my side, but you are so right, I have wonderful memories and so do the rest of the family, and that will keep my spirit up. It has helped that I've been storing memories here on Hive, and the writing certainly is therapeutic!
You and Robin are two legends, I just pray that you have many more years together. you are a shining example of young love that;'s stood the test of time!
Fond memories keep love alive long after our lover has passed.
We may not be young if all you consider is age, but being in a relationship very much like yours keeps one young at heart.
God bless you!