In Her Eyes

Last 2022, I unexpectedly was pregnant with a longtime friend that became my stalker ; a chatmate and later, a lover. We used to meet secretly in a place where everyone was a stranger. It was the only way to hide that relationship because my family is strict, but for how long can I keep that secret? ‘Till I’ll have wrinkles all over my face? Yet, the tiny human being in my womb was an angel in disguise.

Back to the times where it started, I didn’t realize I missed a period in December as we enjoyed our little times together. But it drove me insane with so many “what ifs” when I remembered of the menstruation never present. With those overthinkings, the pregnancy test idea came along to protect my sanity. The result seems so vague that gave me a false hope like….maybe I was just overthinking; it was nothing! It was a fainted line that means POSITIVE according to my friends, but some people say that a faint line means invalid and sometimes negative. So I finally decided to go to the doctor for clarity. She then gave me an expensive test kit that later, confirmed POSITIVE result!

I went back home with a lot of frustrations. My lover was Along so he could finally meet my family. Later that day, In the living room, they talked about his plans for me and the baby. He couldn’t speak right when facing my mother for the first time. He was scared to be humiliated if they’ll know his financial status and family background, but the talking went good. They talked about marriage, but I wasn’t really into that even if I have a baby and even if I’ll be old. My plan was to raise my child alone. Maybe that mindset comes from the experiences of my neighbors and friends. They say that it’s better to be a solo parent than to have a man who just tear our hair out. My lover knew that mindset; agreeing that some marriages have ended up forever (like his parents) caused by cheating. Yes, he comes from a dysfunctional home. When my family found out that real truth , I was questioned why for all the men in the world, why it was him that I met. Their reactions are valid because they’re worried if I’ll end up into a single mom just like some of my friends.

On August 2022, I delivered a cute child named Poinsettia. This name comes from a beautiful flower that we usually see on Christmas days ornamented on Christmas trees. My sister picked up this name because it was in December when I didn’t have a period; there was a lived baby inside. It was hard to pick a name that is very special to me. A special name for me is something that is unusual with profound meaning. I respect all the mothers with their name preferences because everyone of us has different tastes.

When I gave birth to my Pointy, I couldn’t control myself panicking. The pain tolerance was elevated that veins from my head seem to come out. That was the most painful thing I’ve bumped into. For 10 seconds, it was okay. After 10 seconds, the pain comes back. It was like, I wanted to poop ‘till she comes out; but later, I decided to undergo an epidural method; a painless procedure where you are injected with anesthesias and they just pull your baby. The doctor counted 10-1 ‘till they held my little girl in my chest..

For the seconds that I looked at my baby’s eyes, I feel guilty; remembering how I disappointed myself while she was formed, but I now have fulfillment with her.Because of her, I learn to value myself more, take care of myself more and dream more. She is my inspiration, my source of joy and strength.

Your selfless love for your child can change everything. It changes your mindset, it can calm you down, it makes you happiest for simple things, it controls your anger, it teaches you to be understanding and be patient. A love for your child is something that cannot be bought and the most powerful thing.