Last-Ditch Effort (Origin Story)

(Edited)

Recap: In the last installment, Quim, Lags, and the Raw called Fretis landed at a large military compound, which was half built into the face of a mountain. Within the mountain, there was a large tunnel bored out of the stone. When they left their transport ship, alarms started to blare, they thought it was because they were caught. But, then they noticed the fireball in the sky, no doubt caused by Triple destroying the Trisken flagship.


Source

Quim, Lags, and Fretis sat in their transporter for the best part of an hour. Through the closed door, they couldn't hear the alarms ringing, but they weren't as loud as they had been when the three men were outside. They could still hear the faint screeching though and the chaotic churnings of an entire base of Triskens, moving to find cover from what was coming to them from overhead; The whole base had been in a frenzy, clearly, they were waiting to hear word on what to do. Whether or not that word was coming down the line was unclear.

The radio started to jitter as a speaker's voice came clear through the static. "There's a situation brewing, we have no idea what's going on overhead." The speaker said, but, Quim knew what was happening. Triple had successfully taken down the enemy flagship; they didn't see it coming, the Triskens had most likely gotten comfortable in the knowledge that they were on the winning side. "It appears to be one of our ships. All transports are ordered to evacuate the base and head for the inside of the mountain. Coordinates are being sent to all transports, within, there will be landing pads designated to each ship." The speech continued. Over the sounds of the speaker talking, noise and movement could be heard in the background. Quim looked at Lags and Fretis who stared back at him. "You heard them, let's get in there." Lags said. "If we go in there, I don't think we'll be coming back out," Quim replied, but to that, Lags could only shrug. His expression said it all; he knew that was the case already. "That's a possibility. We knew that already though. Lifers. It's a fitting name for us." He finished, with the faintest sign of a smirk.

Quim took the ship up into the air. It was in a shallow hover while he inspected the ship's navigation computer. The coordinates were set and ready to be followed, by the look of it they led right into the large opening, through the tunnel. He didn't need to follow the nav computer though, as there were many other transporters in the air and heading in the same direction.

The line of ships ahead of them slowly made their way forward, he did his best to keep a steady pace with the rest of the ships. He didn't want to be found out before reaching their destination. Unable to think straight, Quim could only wonder about the goal of their mission. What if Herzart isn't here? Was the main question on his mind, he did everything in his power to avoid the answer to that one. All of this could be for nothing; the foreboding feeling of dread almost ate him fully and all he could do was continue to fly forward as slow as the ships ahead of him allowed. The tunnel was dark, with the occasional light overhead; the transport would travel from darkness into light constantly. It was bright enough to see movement below him when the lights were above. The thuds of the AA beasts as they walked in single file, as well as hover crafts which also traveled the dim area.

Finally, the narrow tunnel opened up, to reveal a large chasm, reaching down into the debts of the mountain, above them the ceiling of the tunnel couldn't be seen beyond the blackness of the network. There was light spread out throughout the large opening, but it only cast illumination in small sections; it was like pockets of life in a desolate expanse. It's man-made. Was the only thing Quim could think while looking out the windscreen of the ship. A natural formation the Triskens had added to. In the centre of the opening was a large building that looked like some sort of fortress, leading to the fortress were many bridges that gave pathways from each landing pad. The building seemed to stretch up through the pitch-black area. It wasn't clear whether or not it reached the ceiling of the cave, but, Quim had a feeling it did. The navigation console prompted him to head for the pad that was intended for his transporter, he reached it and took the ship down to a steady landing. After turning the ship's engines off, he leaned back in his chair and looked around at the others.

"We're lost." He said, with a voice wrapped in concern. "This place is huge," Fretis said in awe of the location. Lags didn't speak, or maybe he couldn't speak. Taken aback by all that he saw before him, or maybe he was just as confused as Quim; wondering how exactly they were going to find Herzart. "What's the plan here?" Fretis asked. His voice was shaky, more so than it had been when they were on the surface of the planet. Most likely his nerves were shot by the lack of daylight, or the lack of a clear path through this mess of platforms, buildings, and the horde of Triskens following the tunnel to their location. Quim wished he had an answer for him, things seemed a lot easier when they were on their way to the mountain range. It seemed like getting here would have given them a clear way forward. "Is it too late to turn back?" Fretis asked. He received no answer the first time he spoke, now it seemed like he was talking to himself. "We could turn back." Lags replied. "I don't like this." He continued. Clearly, his survival instincts were kicking in, the idea of turning around was on Quims mind. Deep down, however, he knew it was too late for that. "We made a mistake coming here." Was all Quim could say to the others. His blood ran cold as the words left his mouth and he quickly jumped to his feet after speaking. Walking past the other two, he stood in the cargo hold of the transporter, at the back of the ship, behind the seats. He took in a few deep breaths to steady his nerves and he readied his rifle and made sure it was loaded. "We can rush out, and make a last stand. Cause enough of a stir to rattle the Triskens, who are near enough to be shot." He said, in a voice filled with insane confidence. The other two stood up as he started to talk and they were both ready to die too.

As the other two readied themselves and walked closer to Quim, knocks could be heard on the outer hull of the ship. "Open up, we don't have all day." A Trisken voice could be heard, muffled behind the steel. "This is it." Lags said. Quim stepped to the handle of the transporter and pulled it back, the others were ready and standing right behind him. The door swung open, and as it did Quim let out a bone-curdling roar, followed by the other two. The sound of their battle cry was drowned out by the firing of their weapons. The couple of Triskens who were standing outside seemed more shocked to see humans than they were to be shot at. They jumped back scrambling for their own weapons, but, it was too late for them. "Humans!" One of them shouted, in an attempt to warn other nearby Triskens. In front of them, was a large bridge, leading directly to a building in the centre of the opening, and on the bridge were even more Triskens. These ones had more of a chance to prepare themselves and they returned fire on the trio.

"Over here!" One shouted and the Triskens near them charged across the bridge. It was a scramble of bullets and blood. The chaos outside as the alarms started to blare was nothing compared to this last-ditch effort to avenge their friends. "Don't kill them! Take them alive!" One of the Triskens shouted. Not that it mattered, Quim was too caught up in taking as many of them out as possible. He was hit. His arm seemed to go limp, but even through the numbing pain, he continued to fire. Until he was hit again, this time in the chest. His breathing became shallow, he managed to stay on his feet though. Then again, and again, and again. It felt like his body was shutting down. The end of his rifle fell to the ground, Quim had enough strength to fire though. The bullets came out and ricochet off the ground.

He finally fell to the floor, too weak to move, but he could still see. The other two were fighting, albeit a lot more clumsy than they had been initially.

It's over. Was the final thought Quim managed to think before his mind was solely focused on the flickering spirals and colourful streaks that became more vivid as he stared at them.



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8 comments
(Edited)

@killerwot ! Still going stronggg. 💪

This is a very interesting world you have here (granted I have NO IDEA what's going on 😅). That's my fault for starting the movie at the halfway mark. So again, I can't comment on your pacing and plots and character development. I could say your characterization could use some work, but even that I need a bigger sample size to know for sure. A quick tip would be to give everyone a quirk that is easily understandable. When you can write your characters without the dialogue tags and the readers still know who you're talking bout, then you've made it. 🙂

Since you seemed to respond to my nerdiness the last time, Imma give you another piece of my mind. 👊 So, wordiness (I know, we talking real technical here 😅). A lot of times you can use fewer words to say the same thing. This helps in your pacing and general flow (when I mentioned pacing before I meant in the general story structure, here I'm talking about the chapter pacing specifically). So for instance, let's try this short closing paragraph.

He finally fell to the floor, too weak to move, but he could still see. The other two were fighting, albeit a lot more clumsy than they had been initially.

He fell to the floor, too weak to move, but he could still see. The others were fighting, albeit clumsier than they had initially.

We are purely talking bout words here, this is why I didn't touch your style. Take this example and blow it up to an entire chapter and you will be able to trim around a quarter of the word count. This will let the reader focus on what's important faster. 🙂

These are just my 2 cents, again, there are no rules to writing. And your voice and style are your own. You should take each piece of writing advice and weigh it with what you personally want to achieve. Sorry if this was nerdy, I'm just a nerd about writing. 😎 You're good, and I want you to keep writing.

Cheers! 🍻

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(Edited)

Hey Grocko! Thank you so much for your advice once more. You're a legend! Don't worry at all about being nerdy mate, that's exactly what I need. I'm more used to writing screenplays and this novel-style writing is all pretty new to me, so all the help you think you can lend, is fine by me!

Yeah I can see how your editing of that paragraph has a much faster pace and we hit the beats quicker, I think there are plenty of instances throughout this story where I can trim things down a bit and make it a bit more on point with what I'm trying to do. In saying that I think there could be some areas where adding a bit more could be a good thing.

The main thing I've been focusing on are descriptions, I'm trying to get the hang of describing what the character see's, hears, and smells, because before I was way more dialogue focused, dialogue is my favourite thing to write be honest, I like letting character talk with each other. I have, however, been trying to pull back on the dialogue a bit here and there.

Also, don't worry about it, I'm sure if you read the entire Novella you'd have a much better idea of the story and I think throughout the plot the characters have developed pretty well, there is always room for improvement though. I definitely have plenty of work to do, I'll be going through it and editing the whole thing which should be easier once it's finished. I think I have about 3 chapters left to go and we're done.

!PIZZA

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(Edited)

I'm really glad to read this. 😁

In saying that I think there could be some areas where adding a bit more could be a good thing.

Oh most certainly. This is where your style kicks in. Choosing which parts require the reader's attention more comes with a lot of repetition and figuring out the type of story you want to tell.

The main thing I've been focusing on are descriptions

I am completely in your boat. Descriptions are what I have to actively think about the most. I love dialogue and I try to make it as dynamic as possible.

Practicing is always required. But if you plan on writing something commercial/to be proud of (i.e. anything that's not training) you should play to your strengths. And any skill can get dulled if we don't sharpen it. I was once really good at scene setting, then focussed on my dialogue for so long that when I came back to the scene setting I noticed it was worse than before. Of course, this is also person specific, so eh. 🤷‍♂️ Just telling you about my experiences.

But yes, writing compelling and easy-to-read descriptions is hard. What helped the most was reading the Wheel of Time - Robert Jordan is a master at it. I started stealing his phrases to get a feel of the sentence construction and in time I made it my own. But ye, I share your sentiment.

🍻

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(Edited)

I've actually noticed that with myself, I don't know what it is, but, have you ever sat down to write something and it just flowed out, like every single word was just perfect, where very little editing was needed when rereading it? That's happened to me once or twice, where I've sat back and kind of said to myself, wow, where did that come from? Then sometimes I sit down to write and it's kind of a struggle and I spend what feels like hours getting started.

I guess it comes down to how you're feeling on a particular day. I'm pretty good at not letting my mind rule whether or not I write that day though, I'm good at pushing myself through the doubt and getting something written, even if it needs a heavy dose of editing once I complete it.

Wheel of Time is meant to be amazing, I have a friend who read the series and highly recommended it, I'm going to read it, but, at the moment I'm reading outlander after being recommended it by a friend here on Hive. I'm not far into it yet, but, I really like the premise of it.

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(Edited)

I have. And that feeling, for me, usually comes when I'm writing in my comfort zone. Not trying to achieve a certain style, perspective, tone, or setting. Just writing whatever.

I'm pretty good at not letting my mind rule whether or not I write that day though,

I'm not. 😅 If I'm not feeling up to it my writing suffers. Not as much as I feel like it does during the writing process. But still. I've found that for me, it's better to take a break and then come back fresher. Of course, this is different for everyone - we must all find our balance. //in all things

Wheel of Time has its quirks and low points, but as a whole, there are few fantasy series that has achieved what it has. I remember when I finished it I had this overwhelming feeling of loss. You are in these characters' heads for so long, and you've seen them grow so much. It's crazy on that front. I've never read Outlander though. 😅

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(Edited)

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