The Stench Of Living In An Unfair Episodical Awareness

It's been weeks since I last had my haircut, shaved, or removed all the facial hair on my face. I can feel the hair everywhere, overgrown and becoming a menace. One more week or two, and I don't think I'll even be able to recognize myself again. I haven't looked in the mirror for over a month, I just take a bath and that's all. It's becoming concerning too for me, but I feel no essence.

This needs to feel or seem my best. I see this as futility. Let's just say my concerns are deeper than the physical need to come out dashing.

This is why I think that to truly live life, we have to be unbothered by pain, unbothered by the future, and embrace the little wins of the present. Unfortunately, I do not have any little win. I've just lost the only first-degree family I have and as simple as it seems on the surface. I wake up in the middle of the night and it feels unfair.

I read somewhere that it's only 3% of the world's population that ever feels the pain of recurrent loss.

Never completely healing from one loss and a series of others are happening. Sometimes I cannot truly explain. The most painful part is the insensitivity of hearing feedback like "everyone goes through loss" I saw someone say that to me on Discord, and in order not to be rude, I just completely abandoned the conversation. Irrespective of how many people you meet, greet, or talk to, if they don't truly know you, you'll be alone.

A lot of people who go through pain like this do not choose isolation, the truth is that isolation chooses them because there's this need to seek sameness.

You want a justification

you want to know if anyone has ever gone through such pain around you. However, seeing no one around you with such a painful experience drives you farther into isolation. The malady of experiencing loneliness. Trying to stay away from occasions that remind you of your loss. Seeing people with their families and their loved ones: the anger and jealousy you feel and how this gradually becomes pain, questioning the universe and why it has to choose you to show its unfairness, can be mind-blowing. No one is ever like a first-degree relative.

You're probably going to be treated like an outsider when push comes to shove.

That unconditional love is not there, the feeling of having what's yours is different from holding on to what belongs to others. When the going gets tough, everyone embraces their small nuclear family, separating you from the crowd and leaving you out in the cold. Loss

makes you see life the way it truly is, although I think no one should live in the reckoning of this reality. Living in this reckoning makes you lose taste in living.

You can no longer make little solid plans, don't enjoy public gatherings, or see the need to strive for the good things in life. Why?

Life has proven to be uncertain, and this affects the psychology. The only people who do not feel this are those whose lives are relatively going well and following an expected pattern, and are unaware of the many ills in the world. I'll give anything to have that.

It's just so unfair to be in this state, the palpitations, the tremors, and waking up with this unwillingness to step into life and start living again.

Time doesn't seem to pass and I doubt that it (time) will. I also doubt that it takes away the pain Not when the source is recurrent.

It mainly amplifies it

But I want to just keep crawling through. It's been hellish, but I still feel my hope, it's faint, and I won't let that slip into depression

Interested in some more of my works

Is it Easy To Make Money?

Nigeria: A Unique Business Market & Industry

Virtual Bank Apps In Nigeria: An Experience Of Gamification

How To Find The Next "BIG" Meme Coin

Personal Finance: Achieving Intentional "Saving" Goals

Playing The Survival Game: Human Nature In Introspection

"Un-PAYING" The Debt You Owe