The Cost Of Death (A Diary Of Survival)

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It's been three days since I lost my mum and naturally we all know it's expensive to die, which might not always be true in some other parts of the world. It's sure is the situation in a certain part of Nigeria.

The reason is that planning burials aren't easy and cheap, you need to cook to feed the hundreds of people to attend, they'll instruct you on the whisky or alcohol to buy, they'll tell you the kind of goat they enjoy eating, irrespective of the fact that the family of the deceased is grieved, their financial conditioning is never put into perspective.

A lot of people borrow loans and use their properties as collateral to feed people or plan for those who attend the burial, when you ask them why they'll say it's culture and they had to use everything they owned to pacify the dead at the expense of their living.

But why?

I seriously do not know how backward these norms are, especially when people do not have enough money. It's understandable when you burn all that money because you have it, but what's the essence of living when you're living for the dead?

This is the situation I've found myself in. My mother is currently at the morgue and everyone left and right is looking to milk me for money, alcohol, or food in the name of culture. In the past, I've always talked about how money expectations are always placed on a hierarchy.

For example, it's thought that a man is a breadwinner by default. It's felt that the first born of every family will always play "daddy roles", especially when it's financial, irrespective of their secondary financial conditioning, their primary aim is to live for others or thrive for others to live.

While this isn't really a problem, the main problem is the failure to cut people some slack when they're not financially capable enough

The Money & Loyalty Game

In Nigeria, people don't see challenges and limitations they see financial responsibilities that have to be met and when a person cannot meet these expectations at a particular point in time, they're deemed too lazy or undeserved to be placed in front of a familial hierarchy. It's safe to say people worship money, the stench of money buys dogged loyalty and never a test of true loyalty or love.

Emergency Funds Should Only Be Emergency Funds

Now, back to me. Before this time, I had dug into my emergency fund to pay rent, finish my house projects, and hope and wish an emergency wouldn't pop up. Originally, that fund was meant for emergency purposes something difficult, out of the blue, unusual, or expensive.

Because it's difficult to predict the future, it's important to prepare for unforeseen circumstances which will come in form of expenditures that are meant to unbalance a person.

One of the biggest mistakes was digging into my emergency fund without taking cognizance of how exposed I might be financially, and this has come back to haunt me severely, currently, I do have any money, and the huge responsibility of finding my mother's burial is at the table, this responsibility is making it difficult for me to properly grieve

Complications The Monetary Gains

This is because one cannot grieve when they're challenged and while the way of life of some people can be simpler, we choose to often complicate things for selfish benefits. Nigeria is highly bureaucratic in almost every sector and all aspects of life.

We thrive and enjoy complications because of how we tend to take advantage of the monetary benefits that come with it.

This means making life difficult for others is how some people tend to make money for themselves and this is why it's hard for people here to apply simplification to their way of life and the lives of others. I'll take time to source money to finish up this burial, so I can properly grieve and begin from ground zero.

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28 comments
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May her soul rest in peace. Take heart bro, God is at your side he will surely provide for your need.

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Am so sorry about your mum and can relate quite well with the responsibility...
We took loans to burry my mum in 2017 and you can imagine the challenges...

I swear the mentality of people around here sucks.

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Well, it's crazy to ask too much in order to bury the dead, 2017 was still simpler but I know the experience was still painfil. Loaning for burial should cease, honestly. Thanks for coming through

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You know bein an African am not your cultural kind of person because some of these cultural practices I think are crap to me just like the damn Covid never made sense to me.

We are so fucked up and don't reason properly, I don't understand when a life is lost, is now the time for some to come milk the ones that are mourning their lost one. I just don't get these crappy stuff.

I wish you strength in going through this, this phase shall pass though you will forever miss your mom just like I do.

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Well, most African elders think they're always right in the backward way they reason. Some Igbo elders are this way. There's no liberalism to the way they act and sometimes I wonder what their main objectives are. Is the whole cultural thing a certainty so much that we cannot embrace sophistication and make life easier. Thanks a lot bro, I'm grateful.

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In this trying time that such a thing happened. Really sorry about that bro. I hope God gives you the strength to bear such a loss.

...and everyone left and right is looking to milk me for money, alcohol, or food in the name of culture.

I don't understand this culture of a thing. Why would people still have the mind to ask for drinks and meat when they should be consoling someone for the loss of his loved one? This kind of tradition/believe needs to change.

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Some people see burials as periods to eat while I don't have issues with this, I think they should firstly consult the family of the dead to see if their finances are good enough. It's a hell hole in Nigeria when it comes to burials. I'm just hoping for the fortitude to get through these moments.

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I think they should firstly consult the family of the dead to see if their finances are good enough.

Exactly. And also find a way to support them.

It's a hell hole in Nigeria when it comes to burials.

Well over here in the North, it's entirely a different ball game. They don't even need much gathering or thorough preparation to do the burial.

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I am sorry to hear what happened and I agree that the emergency funds should stay as an emergency. I haven't had to bury my parents but it isn't something I would like to do either.

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Well, I've had to bury the second of my parent in the space of eight years. It's not been easy and it leaves something that takes time to replace.

Sometimes it's best not to borrow emergency funds.

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I am sorry for your loss. May God gives you strength to overcome the challenges and figure out what's best for your coming days. Stay strong.

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It's really sad that in a time of agony one has to think of the cost of burials in this part of the world.
A tribe like the Igbos carry out burials for a whole week, while the dead is sleeping, it's unnecessary.

So sorry for your loss bro

It's good to honor the dead but not at the cost of unnecessary expenses just to satisfy some hungry visitors.

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Well, with the Igbos, it's difficult to exactly say no, unless they don't let you bury the dead.

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(Edited)

Just saw this @josediccus and am so sorry to to hear about the loss of your mother, and wondering if sharing about the first (and so far only) death I've experienced in my family might be of assistance to you in your time of mourning.

Unlike you, I was the second-born in the family with an older sister, but was considered the "smart one" of the kids. I was never close to my mother who blamed my birth for making her an outcast in the family and the neighborhood, as my birth was the second illegitimate child she had in a row, and from a different man just one year apart from my sisters birth.

This caused a scandal for my grandmother as they were willing to forgive one "mistake" (the birth of my older sister from an unmarried mother) but two births like that shamed the family and made my grandmother seem unable to control her wild daughter.

My grandmother lost her prized seat in the front of the church and ended up being first forced by the pastor to sit in the back of the church in shame, before being driven out altogether. He actually pointed her out during a church service and ordered her to pick her things up and move to the back of the church in front of the entire congregation, while telling them about her raising a daughter with "loose" morals.

She was shamed in front of everyone. Then the neighborhood shunned her. This caused a lifelong rift between my mother and grandmom, and mom blamed me for making her the black sheep of the family. Thus she's hated me ever since, so my grandmother actually acted more as my mother.

So when my grandmother passed, it was as if my mother had passed.

I remember the day. it was 7:30 PM, and a sudden feeling of calm came over me. A few hours later my sister arrived to tell me the awful news, but I'd already suspected it. The odd thing is that I was never able to weep over her death, as I was sleeping when she died and in my dreams she was smiling and telling me that she was all right.

I spoke to my aunt, and she agreed that it was grandmom's way of letting me know that I was not to worry. Not only did I get the calming sense that she was alright, but that she was in fact thriving in the place that she was. And that I was not to be concerned at all, but instead be at peace that her pains in life were gone, and that of course i would see her again!

So that's how I handled the death of my true "mother." Her passing was sudden and unexpected, but to this day I know she's happy and filled with joy and that I will get to see my beloved grandmother again, as this conclusion of life is not the end, but the start of a new beginning. Hope this helps you find some peace in your loss as I did in mine.

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Thank you for sharing your experience, I'll take the time to reflect on it, I might certain fight it soothing when I've finally begun to see my experience in what you've gone through. Thank you again

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My condolences bro. Try to do what you can. Traditional things that are needed can be done, but feeding everyone isn't a necessity

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I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it has been for you. I hope and pray you find your way around all that is going on with you concerning the loss of your mother.

In Nigeria, the citizens, the leaders don't seem to have our best interests at heart. I also hope it gets better in Nigeria and not worse, as it seems to be getting worse.

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This is what happens most of the time, irrespective of what the person is doing, they expect you as the first child to come up with something, even when you don't have, sometimes I see this as barbaric, the money that wasn't spent when the person was alive will now be spent , even more than that just to feed the people that are there for the burial.

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So many good thoughts bro, its a great arguement against some social norms. Tradition is powerful. But so many good points, im with ya. Sorry to hear about your mum bro, may she rest in peace.

!LUV

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Tradition is powerful like you've pointed out, it's very difficult not to succumb to the pressure. Thanks for the condolences.

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