Breaking Patterns & Routine

It is been a long time since I went to the barbershop, so my hair and beard have grown out. So, I decided to go today. He was wondering why I had not come in a long time, and I had not called him to check on his availability. He was already familiar with the routine and had most likely grown accustomed to it. However, he was unaware that my life had changed significantly.

However, before I get into that. I noticed today that I could not recognize myself in the mirror, and for someone who used to care about how I looked, it is ironic that I do not care anymore, not on purpose, but life has changed and things are not the same. Now, having a bushy face does not imply unkemptness.

My hair and beard are clean, as I wash them every day. However, it made me look like a caveman and contrasted with who I was before. It reminded me of how difficult it was to have an unshaved face, and now I am certain that over 70% of my face is covered in facial hair. So I decided to set it all aside and get a haircut. Following the haircut, I recognized a fragment of the person I used to be.

My cheekbones indicated that I had lost a significant amount of weight. My hospital stats were also in order, and getting that haircut felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could feel the air in my head again, and my beard was trimmed so it no longer collided with my face. It was not a routine I followed anymore. Things have not been the same since my brother died. I do not talk to the people I used to, and it is even harder to pick up the phone now. Sometimes I watch it ring endlessly and can not muster the strength to pick it up.

My routine has completely changed

.......which means that my attempts at personal beauty are no longer present. However, I believe my budget no longer allows for that. I realize that I prefer to keep wearing those shoes or slippers, and even when I want to change them, a lack of motivation and financial constraints prevent me from doing so. While I dislike this version of reality of being alone in the world, I believe it teaches an important lesson.

Sometimes I feel like I deserve the majority of what has happened to me. It is as if it is a lesson for all the times I have been careless and forgotten what life truly entailed, but I learned in a way that has left a permanent scar, which is probably not the best way to learn. Bad things do not always happen when we want them to, but it is always better to be prepared and expect them. Unexpected bad events throw you off balance.

It is like putting on the brakes of a car when it is too late to avoid colliding with another car. No one is immune to terrible things, but the timing determines whether they are bearable or unbearable, and for me, it threw me completely off balance, and I was not prepared for or adjusted to this reality.

I get a lot of "but this is not who you used to be", and these come from people who know me well. I am learning to walk again, to think clearly without thoughts colliding and making my mind a mess. There are so many new things for me, and I am starting to imagine what it will be like to smile without just doing it out of courtesy.

I am learning to do something entirely new.

It is more difficult to hold a conversation; it used to be easy for me, but now I have to pause and be awkward.

Still, I am grateful that it is not over. I am not sure if this is a storm. It feels more like a hurricane or a tsunami. However, I believe the Lord is providing me with another opportunity: a chance at survival. It is probably Him saying, "I am showing you mercy," so you see it as a gift.

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