A Psychological Level Of Consciousness In Human Relationships
A lot of people would normally ask me "Joe, why am I not enough for you?" And it makes me wonder. A lot of times when we fall out with people, we tend to think we're the problem, while we might be the problem, it doesn't mean we are the problem at all times. This is why I think it's important for everyone to understand the principle of neutral self-evaluation.
Evaluating ourselves properly helps us develop a decent level of awareness and this includes checking out our excesses like ego, pride, and even lack of empathy. For example, whenever, I'm dealing with people, I want them to win as much as I would win especially in whatever human transactions we're involved in
Winning Collectively
This is because I love seeing people win alongside me and the more reason why I do so is that I always imagine situations where the tables are turned, would I love the be treated the way I would treat myself. Whatever transactional relationship I have with anyone, I try not to be a burden to anyone and this is because I feel I am already a burden to myself.
I use to imagine myself being detached from myself, would I be able to carry "myself", would I be willing to endure the baggage I come with. If my answer is no, then I don't think I should force people to carry my burden, because originally, I know it's difficult. However, some people would still choose to bear the burden that comes with us no matter how heavy it is.
Entitlement Creates Crazy Expectations
Now, these people already understand, how tasking it is to bear our burden, but they still choose to do so because that intention comes from a place of unconditionality. However, people can also choose to bear your burden if there's a reward for it. In this situation, this is purely transactional and not from a place of sacrifice or genuinety. Even people who are our friends and sacrifices, some of them, are mostly willing to bear our burden because it might be beneficial.
Nevertheless, when the burden we need others to hear for us does not come with a reward, then it becomes an infringement. It's important to understand that asking people to bear our burden is an infringement and one of the reasons why we do not know is because their "no" or disapproval is not vocal or obvious for us to hear and understand.
However, when people are willing to bear our burden unconditionally, it'll be written on their mood, their tone, or even their level of willingness
However.......
.....even if we've confirmed this, it's important to ask people if they're okay with bearing our burden, since we understand how cumbersome it can be. For example, I've had to be dependent for over 50% of my life, this is when I've come to understand the importance of gratitude.
When you've never been dependent on people, it makes you unconscious of the need for gratitude especially when you get into a condition where you now have no choice but to be dependent on others. There are people in life who are not necessarily bad, but because of the way our lives are wired, these people become inappropriate for us.
There are people who under normal circumstances are very good, but their depth of goodness has a certain limit to it
However when you find yourself asking these people to go beyond their limits to be the person you want them to be, then it becomes infringing, it means you're asking them to go beyond their definition of acceptance or level of normalcy to accommodate us and this is wrong on all front.
We should know that we can never define people, or bend them to suit our narrative and expectations unless they're willing to be redefined, or they're allowing us to shape them to our satisfaction. There's no need to be angry when people refuse to change, lower or increase their standards for us. And expecting anyone to do so without their own free will is terrible.
A Selfless Point Of View.
Inasmuch as I want to be accepted, either by a job or someone, since I fear rejection, I'm always open to it because I cannot automatically expect people to compromise their essence, their limitations, or principles just to make room for me. Now, it's important to establish a high level of consciousness when dealing with people.
No matter how close we seem with people on the surface, challenging times are what prove that this closeness we see is up to the extent we see it. At the same time, it's also wrong to feel bad when we expect more from people based on our outward assessment of them. No matter who we are, we must understand that asking people to bear our burden, no matter our closeness with them is always infringing.
Now, the love they feel for us is what becomes the definitive factor
Because when people are truly endeared to us, they'll no longer see a burden, they see an opportunity to express the love they have for us. However on the base core, we cannot enter that plane with people easily, and this is why we shouldn't attach ease with our burdens since it's even difficult for us to bear alone. Sometimes, I'm someone who loves to save people from themselves.
Some people profess love and endearment from the surface of their hearts, but you can easily tell that these people would melt when it comes to them proving it. Challenging situations test the resolve of people, this is why sometimes I let people go, because it'll be harsh for me to let challenging times test their resolve because it's totally not bad if people cannot withstand hard times.
Fortitude & Genuinety In People
It is not everyone who can muster the fortitude to bear hard times, and while it's easy for us to call them fake friends, the first thing we should consider is their strength and mental resolve. Some people might be good in their own way, but we know that in our books, their goodness might not just be enough for us.
Because of this, we cannot label them bad people, the fact that resolve wouldn't come in handy when we're in a difficult situation and need them might not change anything. In reality, I do not call anyone a "fake friend" rather I see them as people who are not willing to bear our burden and there's nothing wrong with it. When people refuse to accept us infringing on them, we must consider their point of view and cut them slacks in all situation.
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You're right, our goodness have some limitations because other people use our goodness to hurt or do bad to us.
This is true, that is, irrespective of how good we might be to others, there's always a limitation and some people might misunderstand this.
First, happy new year...
I have been off the grid because I had to prepare for my exams which I took earlier this year and luckily I passed...
To the post..
This is how everyone should think but I really don't know why people don't try to be the best they can be to people
I am beginning to enjoy this read.
About two days ago, I was talking to a friend, and she was asking why I was not in a relationship, and I told her I needed to work on myself. I see no reason to be in a relationship when I am not the best person for one.
People need to come to understand that they have to treat their baggage with intention.
Word!!!
You made numerous points in this post, all of which are relatable.
I usually say it to myself too, the fact that you are good to someone doesn't mean they should be good to you; be good regardless.
This is my mantra right now.. I also feel that one should come to terms with the fact that some people will be in your life because there is a reward attached, and once that reward is gone, they will leave. It should never be mistaken for love or friendship or else one will be very disappointed
Happy new year, of course I've been wondering where you've been, it's been months and well, a lot has been happening and erhhh, I'm glad you've passed your exams and rearing to go again.
I think it's because of not be conscious enough or not aware to some particular extent.
Over the course of one month now, I've been struggling a lot and sometimes, when I look at what I'm going through, I know it's a huge baggage for another person, especially when I'm asking them to bear these challenging times with me. Honestly when it comes to relationship, not a lot of people are even trying to improve themselves firstly, I think it's one aspect we should be intentional about.
In life, I've always taken to accepting that not everyone would be what we want them to be. Because people have dominion and they can choose to be disloyal to us, if they deem us too stressful to handle. Understanding these things might make us have some certain level of peace.
There's no way we can correctly tell people as this, until the going gets tough. Nevertheless, having Maximum faith in a fellow human might be somewhat unproductive and dissapointing.
Thanks for the detailed comments, how has it been with you?
What if you fall in love? What if someone falls in love with you? Relationships cannot be planned. It happens spontaneously, cannot be forced or prevented.
Really, have you ever been able to plan an emotion? Like "I will fall in love at 8 a.m on Friday"?
Apart from the fact that this explanation is hard to believe, I don't think it's realistic. This supposedly "sensible" plan of not entering into a relationship until you are ready sounds all well and good, but maturity can only be gained through experience, not by staying out of relationships until you consider yourself "perfect" or "ready".
Relationships are reciprocal. You might think that you are "ready now", but the other person tells you: "How immature you are!"
:D HaHa!
In the same way, you might say, "I'm not at war with you until I've declared war on you," but the other person already interprets your actions or inactions as a declaration of war. You have only limited influence on that. In the same way, you can make a declaration of love, but the other person does not consider this to be love, for example. Relationships are complex and every situation experienced and shared influences the dynamics. But in order to learn, you have to be IN a relationship, not OUT of it.
Fortunately, relationships cannot be treated like products, where it only comes down from the construct stage when the product has gone through all stages of production and is ready to be packaged and bought.
No offense, I indeed think that you DO know
;)
An awful lot in one piece. Great presentation. My response to some aspects here..
And that is very essential from time to time. We need to strike a balance between the true state of our real personality and our perceived worth. Its either we constantly fail this evaluation and always have issues with people or get it right and strike the appropriate cord of great human relationships.
And that happens when people get their self-appraisal wrong. For example, I wrote in a recent post that taking care of one's parents or siblings is not a right for them, but an opportunity. So when they start felling you owe them a world of care, things go wrong from there.
Basically, if we are accepted by people or they elected to bear our burdens, we need to be grateful. If they however feel that we are becoming a nuisance, its either they are right, or we need to personally look inwards and correct a problem. And when you do not seem to identify any personality issues, just accept rejection and move on.
In Nigeria for example, some of the things that are right do not seem right because of the Africanic practices often cultivate, it is been passed down from one generation to another generation. And it's difficult to tell some people that this is entitlements of the highest order. I saw that particular post you wrote and I can sincerely the late because at one point in time and our lives we have had to play that role of which do not seem compulsory. However it is always treated like a compulsion because we believe in responsibilities meted out to people whether they are prepared or not.
There are people who would never be appreciative of you, even when you're bearing their burden. This is because they deem eat to be natural or normal, forgetting that a little appreciation or acknowledgements can go a long way.
But generally speaking when people begin to realise that, reciprocity is not in the human nature by default, this is when we would begin to appreciate every little thing that is being done by someone else for us because it is being done out of love and the place of difficulty
Thats so sad, especially when the people expecting those 'rights' offered little or nothing to your current state of progress. Of course, our parents by default - by virtue of giving birth to us - feel that entitlement. But honestly, some of them could do more than they did for us.
This is true because I have seen people disappointed by kids they invested all their life on. So appreciation is suitable and should be frequent from parents or other dependants whose caregivers are doing their best for them.
It takes a lot of conscious effort to assess your own self and even more to identify and admit that you’re the problem. This is because we’re generally used to assessing and judging other people ad having ourselves judged by those other people too. We all look from our own lenses at different things and not ourselves.
Isn’t this everyone though? Don’t we all have limits to how good we can be? I think everyone has that threshold beyond which “the kindness of their heart” ends. Beyond which you start to become a burden, a nuisance to them.
A lot of people fail to understand this and it’s caused a lot of friendships and relationships to end. Understanding that everyone has a limit to which they’ll accept your burdens, and that beyond those limits, they’re absolutely at liberty to refuse to be your donkey. We expect the people we love to give us unconditional love without limits, but this is absolutely wrong. We know we can’t do the same, so it baffles me how we still expect what we know we can’t and won’t give and tolerate.
I like your take on this matter. Not a lot of people understand limits when it comes to how much people can bear and tolerate in social transactions, but you seem to understand that fairly well.
Basically I believe that everyone at one point in time should be able to assess themselves without being bias in their assessments or judgement. Assessment as this helps us to improve the kind of people we are or eventually become. I know that it can be very difficult but this is one aspect of self-improvement that is also very important in our lives.
One thing I have learnt over the years is to study the mood and tone of people. Sometimes because we feel we are familiar or close to some people we expect them to accept every baggage that will bring to the table. This is somewhat resembling entitlement.
I know that some people feel that because they have been good to others they expect the same kind of energy being given to them. However we cannot force people to love us the way we love them. Inasmuch as love should be reciprocal, there is no way we can achieve it to some certain degree or level and have it to be simultaneously matched.
Everyone in life should understand the phenomenon of limits and how to achieve limits without becoming an infringement to others or breaching their space. I know that we often preach reciprocal loyalty. But sometimes in life if people do not get rewarded for being there for us it's automatically interprets to infringements whether we like it or not.
I knew I was missing an important word when I was writing this comment, but I forgot what the word was.
Your reply basically covers everything I'm thinking but couldn't add to my comment.
You know, I met a lecturer here, where I work for my NSS and he talks a lot like you. Lol. He understands a lot about human relations and life in general. But (here's the twist) he's a Biochemistry lecturer. I even casually told him one time he'd make a good philosopher because of how much conversations with him just flow. I'm trying to see whether in the next few weeks or months, I can onboard him on Hive. I think he'll be good value here.
The golden rule said that whatever we want men to do to us, we should do the same to them. So allowing people to carry our burden when we can carry it is not love. And when someone is ready to assist, we should not think it is his responsibility to do so.
you're correct. In earnest, love is not necessarily reciprocal because of the dominionic nature of humans in general.
Exactly, love is reciprocal was then. Now is all about what individual want to reciprocate
I admire your take on this topic. We should not always expect people even ones close to us to always bear our burden when themselves could be facing a great deal.
I used to always feel that I am a good person and when someone called out my selfishness, I was upset cause I always thought I am the most selfless. I have come to realize that self reflection is always necessary.
Thank you for sharing this.
Throughout my life, I've experienced many disappointments even from people who are close to me, it came to a time when I came to the deductions that when people choose to be there for us, it's purely sacrificial and not because we're deserved of their goodwill whatsoever.
It is exactly as you’ve just said it, so on point. It is sacrifice on their part.
How have you been? It's been a while.. I thought I followed you, I just did so.
I have been ok and you?
Thank you for the follow 🤗
Been there, thanks for stopping by, I'll stop by soon enough too
Great. Thank you.
Great post! I really appreciate the emphasis on self-evaluation and understanding the principle of neutral self-evaluation. It's important to be aware of our own excesses and limitations, and to not blame ourselves for everything when things don't go as planned. I also agree that it's important to understand that it's not fair to expect others to bear our burden without their own free will. It's valuable to take an introspective approach and to be mindful of how our actions and expectations may affect others. The idea of winning collectively is a great mindset to have when interacting with others.
Thanks a million.. self evaluation is something we often miss do not deem so necessary and this makes us unaware of our very own flaws and strength. Infact, not blaming anyone for our excesses comes with another advantage, it helps us find closure when our expectations becomes somewhat of a dissapointing factor in our lives. It's important to not expect anything from people, rather we should see how heavy or stressful those prospective expectations might have been bothersome for them.
Thanks a million for coming through.
I agree with your point of view.
The worst thing that can happen in a relationship is pretence. When/if people can't bear with you, let them go, perhaps they're not meant to be in your journey, or continue with you.
I love this ! This words got me "We should know that we can never define people, or bend them to suit our narrative and expectations unless they're willing to be redefined, or they're allowing us to shape them to our satisfaction. There's no need to be angry when people refuse to change, lower or increase their standards for us. And expecting anyone to do so without their own free will is terrible". it's a lesson i have learnt. Thank you
Even though I agree, I will raise some thoughts to contradict your given statements. I hope you don't mind.
And yet it happens all the time that you (or I) get angry precisely because of this. This is a reality and cannot be changed by avoiding feelings like "anger", because something like anger cannot be avoided, just as joy cannot be avoided. Expecting the other person to lower or raise their standards of their own free will happens without any input from you or me, because it is human to have expectations. The other person who is in relationship with you is dependent on knowing your feelings towards him or her, only then can he or she know what you want or do not want. The other person recognises you by the degree of your anger or frustration, as well as by the degree of your joy and approval. Without this, he/she gets no clues as to how he/she can position him/herself in relation to you.
Trying not to get angry is futile because you do it anyway. There is no provocation that is not in some way suitable to achieve such. Because there are always situations in which provocation works, there will also always be conflicts where feelings such as anger play a role. If someone is very angry with you and doesn't want to show it, what good does it do you? Don't you feel the anger anyway, even if the other person wants to look as if he is not angry? Can you remain calm about it in every situation, without exception?
My own answer is "no", because otherwise I would be a saint. Since I assume that no one is holy, the insight that one should not force others to behave in a certain way is correct, but it is not a question of "whether it will happen", but the answer is "it will happen in any case".
Doesn't the whole thing then change and replace an avoidance behaviour with one that accepts a situation in its spontaneous nature?
Having learned this lesson was only made possible by trying to force each other to do something (to have control), wasn't it?
But since it doesn't stop, the fact that you haven't learned this lesson "once and for all" but keep encountering it is a reality of life for me.
I therefore claim the opposite and say "there is the need to get angry", because it is only by crossing boundaries that it becomes apparent where something is happening too much or too little. The other person cannot guess or know this on their own, because every situation is new and different from the previous one. How else are you supposed to know where you have transgressed or kept a boundary if it is not the occasional transgression that points you in the right direction?
Greetings to you.
many times I try not be the cause of anybody's anger or bad situation, i guide my steps around people and make sure whatever transaction I am going to have with them shouldn't bring out them having to stress out from their normalcy for my own comfort, I am scared of that because anything can happen. We thank God for those that are totally willing and ready to help and it's true as you said we will see it in their actions, speech and commitment