Disenchantment

I heard this word for the first time from my father. Big words are thrown around him a lot and I picked up on all of them. But one time, I got embarrassed because I used one of the words I heard my Dad throw around in public. But it was in the wrong context. I promised to always ask my Dad the meaning of words before I uttered them for anyone to hear.

The day I asked him what disenchantment meant, I remember him letting out a huge sigh. It already gave me the impression that a lot was embodied in that word and for a second, I almost asked him to forget that I asked about it. But then he started speaking so I knew it was too late. I was going to learn the meaning of disenchantment and what it meant to be disenchanted, and it was going to stick in my head forever.

My Dad almost never says things in a straightforward manner, so he said, “Disenchantment is a curse and a blessing.” I jumped in immediately and said, “You mean it’s a blessing and a curse,” pointing out the inaccuracy in the order he said those words. Shaking his head, he said he knew why he used that order. Because disenchantment is a curse before, if utilized well, it becomes a blessing.

And so he used a personal story to explain to me what disenchantment means. He told me why it was a curse and then told me why or how it could be a blessing. I was eleven years old then, so I guess I didn’t truly understand what he meant, because at the end of the day, I concluded within myself that it was a bad word and that I hoped I never found myself disenchanted.

My Dad said disenchantment is a feeling of helplessness. That it’s a feeling of hopelessness. That it’s a lackluster kind of life. You no longer find joy in the things that once made you happy, the things that excited you, the things you had a passion for. My Dad knew I was crazy about books, so he said, “Imagine Tessa, that I bought you a book,” he paused and smiled at me, “You see that excitement in your eyes even at the mention of it? A different thing happens when you’re disenchanted.”

I was hooked, waiting to hear what came next. He continued. “So, I hand you this book and the next thing is for you to cry, or worse still, you just say an emotionless thank you, but you never open the book.” I would have laughed if I didn’t find the situation so horrifying. “That’s impossible, Dad. There’s no way I’ll feel like that about books.” “But that’s what happens when you’re disenchanted. Even the things that could set you off to the happiest mood now brings you despair or you’re even unperturbed.”

That’s the most I remembered about what my Dad said then until I had the chance to fully live what it means to be disenchanted. And then I found out that disenchantment was way more than I thought it was. I found out first of all that it wasn’t just about losing interest in my hobbies, it was also losing interest in the people around me. Losing interest in my goals, feeling unfulfilled about where I am and everything I’ve ever achieved. Disenchantment meant losing interest in myself.

Why disenchantment is scary is because it feels very normal. As normal as other emotions like sadness and happiness, because you feel that since it’s easy to transition from sadness to happiness, that disenchantment is a passing emotion. And that is true, because disenchantment is supposed to be that, but most of the time it degenerates into something else. First into despair and then into depression.

It was when I was disenchanted that I learnt that you could be a stranger in your body, like a passenger watching your disillusionment take over you. You look at who’s at the steering wheel of your life and realize it's disenchantment. You know it’s not right and that you should be the captain of your life but you don’t have the courage to speak out and tell this apparition that he’s in the wrong seat and you should be there because this is your life and you’re the one in charge of it.

It was only when I had reached the point of despair, almost nearing depression which is the near final phase of disenchantment that I miraculously remembered the next part of what my Dad said concerning disenchantment. It was weird to me that I didn’t remember that part for nearly a decade until it just got into my head. How disenchantment, while a curse, could be a blessing if the right steps are taken.

That it involves you, instead of sinking into the passenger seat and letting disenchantment lead you into depression, you speak up and you speak out. That you forcefully try to regain control of your life. Disenchantment is a catalyst that could help you grow, see the world in a better light. See yourself in a better light. It takes determination and a genuine loathing of your current situation to break out of it.

But then you do and you watch yourself have a renewed sense of purpose. Of course, this is not by the book and there are many times you would be tempted to sink back in and sometimes you may even give in to that temptation. But feeding your mind with positivity, with hope, and whatever goal it is that drives you is your singular ray of sunshine that you can run with from then on.

I wouldn’t say all of this if I haven’t actually lived it. Not once or even twice. Disenchantment is a force. But so it’s Determination and Willpower. You can regain your position as the driver, not the passenger of your life...And I can too.

Jhymi🖤

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