I Was Once A Young Mother, I No Longer Want A Child, Here's Why (WE158)
June 17, 2023
Christening of my niece with my sister and cousinsIt's typical to hear that having children will truly change your whole life and your whole perspective. In our country, it's common to hear this question from older people, especially from family members and relatives,"When are you getting married and having a child?" Each time I am questioned by this, I'll just smile and answer them, "It's not in my plan yet."
As much as possible, I am avoiding such kind of conversation. It makes me question myself, "Why is it so easy for others to get married and build a family without minding the consequences and possibilities that may happen in the future?" Some don't even have a preparation. Some were tied by accident, such as the unexpected early pregnancy of a girlfriend so it left them no choice but to tie the knot. Some succeeded in their marriage, while others ended up in separation.
I feared getting into a broken family, which is why I am not into marriage or having a child. The main reason is that I don't want my child to be fatherless and get bullied by his playmates for having no father. Someone told me that it is already common nowadays and people won't really care about it anymore. That is somehow true. A lot of children grew up with only one parent. A lot of women are just having children but not marrying the father of their children for some reason. Some probably just don't want to change their family name, while some just truly want to have a child, but not a husband, lol.
It has even become a joke among single ladies, Just get a child, not a husband. How the hell will I make it without tucking my naked body in a bed with a man for a night? I wish we could just draw a baby, let the magic happen, and woop, I now have a child! Or just have sex with a random stranger to get pregnant. That is insane! I'm a person who will never get into that kind of sexual activity without love being involved. I swear that to myself.
It's so easy for some ladies to say, I just want a child. Unbeknownst to them, real life would start once they got one. I may be a single lady, but I've been through a lot of experiences and difficulties in taking care of children, not just one, but many.
Growing up in a big family as the oldest daughter, I stood as the second mother to my younger siblings. So at a very young age, I experienced being a mother. I carried different babies in my arms and became their teacher/older sister, guiding them until they grew up. Making baby milk, sterilizing baby bottles, changing diapers, washing dirty clothes, sending them to sleep, making weird stuff just to stop them from crying, rocking, cuddling, playing with them, and waking up in the middle of the night just to feed a crying baby. I did them all for many years.
They were just some of those I babysit, lol.
There were certain periods when my mother would visit my father in his camp in a faraway place, and stay there for a month or so. Thus, giving all the duties to me and my older brothers. I was the sole mother of my younger siblings and did all the things a mother does. That usually happens during summer vacations. Imagine your vacation turning into distress. Who wants it?
And during those tiring days and sleepless nights, I oath to myself, I don't want to get a child. The main reason was purely based on my experience, and the fact that I was a student back then, taking care of children and studying was freaking exhausting. Thinking about it now, it is no different from working and taking care of a family.
Moreover, I've witnessed my mother's pain and struggles during pregnancy, labor, and raising her children. I couldn't imagine myself in the same situation. Her hardships were commendable, especially since she was all alone most of the time because our father was always away to make a living. And most of the time, he wasn't by my mother's side when she gave birth to a new baby. How it feels to have no one to hold your hand when making a fundal push is something I don't want to bear.
I know it's a different feeling when you take care of your own child. Babies' smiles and laughter are truly pacifying. I couldn't agree more. Despite the stress I was getting back then in babysitting my younger siblings, it easily fades when hearing their soothing laughter and seeing their stress reliever smiles. And seeing them growing while following a good path makes me feel even prouder with the thought that I've been part of their childhood journey.
But who knows? My mind might change regarding this matter. I am probably just afraid of losing the freedom I have now if I get into another phase of life, just like most mothers. Some would say, just have a child so that someone would take care of you when you grow old. Nah, I have many nieces and nephews, I'll just get one for me, lol. But whether I get a child or not, at least, in my life, I experienced being a mother.
This is in response to @galenkp's Weekend Engagement 158 with the topic:
Children (two)
If you have no children - Do you want them and why? What challenges would you face in the process, pre-child, during the pregnancy, and post-birth moving forward in your opinion? If you don't want them to go ahead and explain why. Write a post of 300+ words - use images you took yourself if possible.
If you are interested to join, feel free to click the link above and share your thoughts regarding the given topics.
Happy weekend and Happy Father's Day to all fathers and single mothers out there ☺️.
(All photos are mine)
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After reading about your childhood, being the oldest daughter and a second mother to many younger siblings along with having entirely too many responsibilities placed on you, it sounds as though you didn't get to experience and enjoy a true childhood of your own. That's a darn shame! Noboday can blame you one bit for being skiddish about wanting to have a child of your own. You are enjoying your life -- as you should. If and when the time comes, you'll be a terrific mother. In the meantime you can be the "Favorite Aunt!" @jane1289 That is a very special title I'll never have because my only sibling, an older brother, died suddenly before ever getting married or having any children @jane1289😢
By the way, the baby niece in your photos who was recently christened is extemely adorable!!!💋
Have a terrific weekend, Lovely!💕
!LADY
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So sorry to know about your brother.. You grow up alone then...but for sure you had friends too... By the way, do you have kids? How many? And how does it feel to have them?
You had quite a childhood sis and that have made you a strong woman. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you during those years when you have to take good care of your siblings. It's like having your childhood years stolen from you but they are great experiences and I believe have taught you so well. May you have the best of life through the years, !LADY❤️
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It did teach me a lot, and even how to become a mother haha... Well, I guess I don't need to experience it anymore, because I'm done with it..
!LADY
Hehe, enjoy your life sis :)
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I am sure you'll make a great mother Jane. It's really a sacrifice when you are a mom. I myself feel annoyed whenever people would tell me to have more. Hahah. As if cla ung mag aalaga at gagastos.
God knows when you're ready and when you need it. And he'll work his ways on you. If it's meant for you then it will happen.
Nakakainis din ibang tao sila magdidictate ano gagawin mo ss buhay, as if sila gagawa for you, lol.. If I'll have it. One or two is enough... The world is getting expensive every year.
It such an Asian thing I guess to ask a bride about child after marriage... Like c'mon, it's their life now and can make choices.
Most people get mature when they're just child.. like, you being eldest daughter and taking care of siblings tells a lot how mature you were and are now!
You're strong woman and I wish your life will be full of happiness and ease! More respect to you.
Thanks... We all grow up with experiences..and that's what made us into what we are now..
!PIZZA
To all I have read up there I am very certain that you will be a good mother if you later decided to get married and have children.
Meanwhile I thought it is only here in Nigeria ladies think that having a child without a husband is enough
It's a no for me how can I go through all the hardship of raising a child alone and meanwhile who will fill the space of that man?
So I love you for not considering child without husband as a thing to do
It's common in our country.. And no wonder why there are a lot of single mothers out there.. Being one or having a broken family isn't my thing ..so I will rather be single that take the hardships alone.. I've been through a lot in life. I don't want another one..lol
!LADY
And that is a good decision sis
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With all you've said, I'm convinced that if you eventually decided to be a mother, you'd be an amazing one.
Being the first daughter and being exposed to motherly duties at a young age was really an eye opener for you and that's good. Many people jump into getting children without actually knowing what motherhood entails and that where they begin to get it all wrong..
This was fun to read✨
Some are just doing it like playing a game...then would regret it later..as if things can be brought back to the past when they didn't work well.. It's so easy to think about being a mother, but hard to do...that would be the start of a new life, struggles, and a lot more suffering....
!LADY
This is a very very valid point. Motherhood comes with a whole lot of changes.
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Being a mother is never an easy job so same with you, I don't have the plan yet to have a child or even get married. Should I just marry myself no? Lol, wala ngang juwa, lol. But even if I have, I think having a child will never occur to me. I know how hard it is to to be a Mom. Just seeing other people getting stress because of it is enough to never try. Nag try din akong alagaan pamangkin ko b4, wala pa manh 20 minutes ayaw ko na agad haha. Ang hirap mag habol kapag naisipang mag laro 🤦🤦
Haha... It's fine to be temporary, but if you do it for the long term, nah. To hard to imagine....it's difficult to raise a kid, and guiding him until he learned to stand alone is much harder..
Maybe playing is the entertaining part, but it can be exhausting..you wouldn't even know what to do if your child gets sick, and other else.. Being a mother is the hardest job I ever did.. And same with others..
!LADY
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I can truly relate! My mother was giving labor at home and I have witnessed it when our youngest sister was born. It was also my fear when I was about to give labor, but actually it the pain depends on your tolerance and exercises during pregnancy. The stitches hurts more than the labor in my case.
Yeah, who knows, right? May it's still not your time. You'll have it when your ready. In any case, if you're not into marriage, aren't you up for adoption?
Would you believe if I say that, only the youngest was born in a hospital? The rest were at home.. But she almost die giving birth of the last one, probably because it was already her 15th 😅..
I'm not into adoption. I have my nieces and nephews hehe
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Reading this article Miss Jane makes me want to hug you nad say that I salute you with all my heart. I am just so proud of being a woman because of you.
Iilan lang yung kayang e-sacrifice ang sarili para sa pamilya, you're so selfless Miss Jane, and nakikita ko yung sarili ko some part of you. You're such an inspiration to many. God bless you, and I really understand your reasons why.
You deserve all the goodness in this world, and you deserve nothing but the best! 🥰🤗
Thanks !LADY.. It's natural for us Filipinos to suffer for the sake of the family. And we all have different stories.. For sure, you have your own story too
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My beautiful I fully understand your opinion and I respect it, sometimes life experiences make us make certain decisions and I see that what you went through was not easy.
But you say so yourself, you don't know how life turns and if at any moment you can change your mind, and if so, you will be a sweet and perfect mother.Thank you for sharing with us your experiences and experiences. Have a beautiful weekend @jane1289 ✨❤️🌹
!LADY
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The months of pregnancy are really difficult. The things you talked about are really common in my country too. Infact I should say that it is common in asian countries. Children are no doubt good to have but some female perspective in terms of husband are not in their favour and they consider that they should just have babies instead of having husband.
You have past experiences being a mother without giving birth of anyone and I think your thoughts are logical. I don't have anything to deny.
But have you ever thought that there exist some others also who experience like you but still want to be a mother?
Think about your mother. Your mother felt the same pain also when she was giving birth to you. Instead of knowing that why she decided to take more baby? It's not for you mother only, it's applicable for others mother also?
Isn't that thought provoking??
!PIZZA
I have the same mindset as yours before too sis @jane1289. I am the eldest and there were times I also stand as a mother to my younger siblings but when I got married I wished to have a baby and now we want another one. It's difficult to have that decision but we still come to that after five years.
Yes your mind might change as time goes by. We don't know what future would bring.
It always depends on the situation.. But if I will not be blessed with this, I am still grateful as long as my family and friends are there ☺️..
!PIZZA
Yes sis, and that's the best thing, being grateful for what we have.
I guess, the situation you had in your childhood really left a mark on you. You're not alone with this ate. Actually, a recent report shows that the woman who gets pregnant in the Philippines is decreasing. Siguro yun nga sa hirap ng buhay at sa mga naexperience at nakita nila sa family nila kaya medyo nahihinder sila pumasok sa pag-aanak. Buti pa ako 💅, char hahaha
Weh? Kala ko increasing , hehe .dami involve sa pre marital sex...
Yep premarital sex is increasing pero they know how to use protections na hahaha
I know it's a tough job to be a mother but after reading your post I feel like you are only viewing the negative aspects of a broken marriage or a relationship🥲 or maybe even confused. Please don't let mistakes made by someone else define your life and decisions. You already have this much experience by looking after your nephews so I'm sure that you will become a great mother oneday😊.
I do agree with everything you said in your post but don't you ever wonder how some people have more than 3 kids and they are so happy with their life. I'm curious how they manage their time as well haha.
Normal yang na fifeel mo teh. Kahit ako na di ko naranasan yong paghihirap mo sa childhood, ngayon may mga anak ako, nahihirapan ako as a new mom. Masaya may kids pero mahirap if wala kang relatives who will help you mag alaga sa kids. ako lang mag isa dito sa France and di ko pinipilit mga grandparents nila dito na alagaan sila kasi matatanda na rin. And ok lang din wag ka mag adopt. Kasi ako dati, pag wala akong asawa at anak, i was planning mag adopt. sinasabi ko talaga sa mga single women, wag mag anak if di ka mentally and financially prepared.