Apocalyptic Homesteading (Day 649)
Hello Everyone!
Waking goes awry, Moody perturbation, Fatigued communications, More hiking less thinking & Persimmons everywhere!
I am off to a slow start this morning and kind of moody to boot but if I keep putting off the writing... it will be noon before I know it and I will have written nada. Beginning my days doing all this typing sure is interesting enough to keep me doing it and all because of how it kick starts my thinking for the day... but damn... it sure has become a commitment.
There are undoubtedly worse things that I could be spending my mornings doing like watching the news or scrolling through social postings so no complaints there or anything. At some point though I occasionally wonder if spending my time in the text editor is the best use of said time.
Sure the therapeutic value is nice, the 'getting my mental gears turning' is nice but after that what is there that draws me back to doing it every morning. Perhaps at this point it is merely a habit and such a part of my routine that I guess that I could call it a 'cornerstone' which other routines are built or maintained off of.
All that jazz aside the sun came out shining brightly very early this morning and I kept waking up, seeing it through the window and falling back asleep in short order but somehow managed to wake up early nonetheless. I was up pretty late last night talking on the phone in part because I am still looking for a place but mainly because I enjoy the conversations that I have been having with the fellow.
As with most conversations that we have had it traveled the gradient of many topics and I truly enjoyed it even though by the end my little brain was growing sluggish and quite sleepy. I really should get back into the habit of not communicating when I get into (or am approaching) a fatigued state for the sake of maintaining clarity but whoa those conversations are just so good that I am like: Fatigue be damned!
One thing that I need to get in the habit of is eating dinner a bit earlier in the evening now that the seasons are starting to change. Especially so if I am going to be talking on the phone at night because I sure woke up this morning feeling famished which yeah probably played a big part in feeling moody when I first awoke.
Of course I also dreamed rather heavily throughout the night and the intensity of the dreams was hard to shake when I woke up but that is fine because at least they were 'fresh' in my mind. I really have been looking for a lot of insight in my dreams lately and there is not much that I actually ignore from them nor would I want to for that matter!
Alright, it is now late afternoon and I have stuck to my plan of using Sundays just for getting some downtime and more or less relaxing. I did go on a hike though and yup I ate more persimmons along the way! I forgot to grab some kudzu for Bob Backwards but I think I will do that when I go on another hike later in the day just before sunset.
So far all that I have really done today is watch some post-apocalyptic short films and zone out reading some stuff on Hive. My brain having been in overdrive for all these weeks is feeling pretty weary in regards to thinking about my next move in life and like I was saying some time ago... I am not at all confident that I am in the kind of shape that I need to be in to start over in a raw land (or camping) scenario.
Mainly what I mean by that is: Aside from the mental and physical shape that I am in and my morale being total trash... my gear scenario has taken a beating on these last several misadventures and probably most significantly I just do not feel like investing myself in other folks land at the moment. As far as that last bit goes, if improvements are being done that is by definition... an investment.
It all goes back to what I was saying a while back about getting in wacky scenarios so many times now that I have very little faith in folks at this point and would rather spare myself the mental damage such things cause me. If anything I need to spend some damn time mending said damage, letting some 'scar tissue' build up and not taking those kinds of risks again until I feel like it wont do irreparable damage to my hope/faith in other humans.
Like I said before I am sure that I will have to compromise somewhere in regards to all that stuff but in a very fundamental way I want to break the cycle and if making massive lifestyle changes is what it takes then so be it. As much as I dislike giving up on pursuing my little homesteading dreams I may well have to either do just that or just put them on hold for a while.
Okay, the sun is now setting on the horizon and I just got done getting in another late day hike, eating even more persimmons, gathering kudzu for the ornery rooster and of course getting all the critters fed. Although I am inclined to wrap this entry up I think that perhaps I am going to do some more writing because before doing all of the above I took a really long nap and am feeling quite refreshed.
Mayhaps I should have said 'refreshed enough' because yup I once again had some superbly intense dreams that stuck with me long after waking. Between all the recent heavy dreaming and having to communicate with other folks so much... I must admit that my little brain is getting maxed out on its potential performative value and stress tested to a degree that leaves me downright mentally exhausted.
All in all it is probably good for me in some way that I have yet to fully grasp... so for now I just keep giving the thinking, dreaming, communicating my best effort and call it good enough. It has left me feeling more than a little irritable on many a night once the fatigue kicks in and I just want to 'turn it all off' for the evening by the end of most days.
I guess that is to be expected given that I am having to delve through a lot of my personal insights, my life story, my worldviews and all that other convoluted internal stuff that I generally do not poke around in... nor feel comfortable sharing outside of these entries or with my closest friends. In other words I have been operating so far outside my comfort zone for so long now... that I may as well start calling it my 'discomfort zone' instead!
Something else that I have been becoming acutely aware of is that my saying of 'I only have so many words in me each day' keeps bouncing around in my head because yeah I keep running out of words all too damn early in the day. Many of them are also simply going to waste on my internal dialogue as well... which yeah just because I am not putting them to an external use... they are alas still getting used!
Such is often the case when I am faced with changing (or simply altering) what I spend my time thinking about, what I 'dwell' on and/or whatever it is that I am having to extensively problem solve or merely look for solutions for! Talk about a slew of challenges there which often lead to my thinking grinding to an utter halt when it encounters a conundrum that has hitherto been unsolvable... or appears insurmountable!
Patience is assuredly my strong suit but whoa those emotions boiling just below the surface of all that thinking sure can steer me off course just as much as they can keep me on course! Honestly though, I genuinely feel that if there was ever a time to be patient it is now because between all the internal pressures that I feel there are some very intense external pressures happening simultaneously.
The choices that I should/could/would make are complex, nuanced, convoluted, complicated and will absolutely set the direction that my life takes moving forward. There is no heavier weight to bear than making those kinds of choices except the kind made that determine the direction of other folks lives as well as other living critters.
To be blunt: They are called life choices for a reason. So, with that in mind I really have to be patient, methodical, deliberate and of course... be damn well capable of bearing responsibility for consequences both intended and unintended. I could use the word 'thoughtfulness' to describe what I mean but that would be an incredible understatement and furthermore... it would do what I mean by 'the weight of such choices' no real justice.
Some of that jazz feeling so intense comes down to 'comfort' which yeah anytime change is involved comfort 'goes out the window' so to speak and the mind frigging revolts in an effort to maintain its current perception of said comfort. Of course it is merely a natural occurrence to grow uncomfortable in the face of change... let alone while changing!
It is equally as natural to grow cozy with all kinds of thinking, feelings and choices... in such a way that the mere prospect of adjusting to something new is almost paralytic! I guess that is where my 'angst' kicks in and breaks the inertia I encounter. Because if there is one thing that I have been feeling of late it is a superb angst followed by a sense of drive, purpose and fierce determination to effect change in my life in every moment... either while waking, while sleeping or some odd combination of them both!
A sort of 'astute attention' seems to be required at the moment in regards to damn well everything and as tiresome as it may seem... it is extraordinarily necessary if I am going to be in the head-space that I need to be in to cope with the times that I find myself in. There is no simpler way to put it than to say that I did not come this far just to give up now... nor ever.
The deep well of my resolve just will not allow for it and yeah it is always one of those things that I am deeply grateful for having cultivated over the years. I guess that a wee bit of patience and persistence goes a long way because it has carried me far... and will assuredly continue to do so.
I hope that everyone is doing well and has a nice day/night.
https://peakd.com/c/hive-114308/created
I love the film The Road as a post apocalyptic take. It seems realistic and dire. Apocalyptic collapse is awful in that it is both terrifying and boring at the same time.
The Road was excellent and seems pretty spot on.
Yup!
Best wishes for maintaining a sense of sanity...😎
Thanks and right back at ya. 🤠