Apocalyptic Homesteading (Day 640)

over 2 years ago

Hello Everyone!

Another rainy day, Moody weather, Multiple timelines, A new day's value & Way too much thinking!

I awoke not all that long after sunrise and it has been a slow motion crawl ever since trying to get my mind to wake up some on what is yet another rainy and overcast morning. On the bright side (or maybe it is the dim side) I am not feeling quite as moody as I have been the last few days and yeah any improvement in that regard is a welcome one.

Admittedly much of that moodiness tends to be from dreaming so heavily and awaking afterwards with all the memories/emotions being so fresh that they are difficult to simply 'let go of' and move on from there. Instead they are like a swirling mass of clouds perpetually throwing off random bolts of lightning whose bright flashes illuminate one highly personal insight or another.

Before I began this entry I toyed with the idea of making it 'Day 2044' and continuing that original timeline of entries just in an effort to spell out (or summarize) all the days between its last day (Day 957 I think) and now. There is something appealing about doing so but I figured that it would just be confusing for folks and perhaps just make it seem like I had really gone off the rails.

Now that I think of it though, re-numbering all three series of entries into a single timeline of 'daily entries' is not all that bad of an idea but whoa that would make for quite the undertaking. It would also make for an incredibly long series to navigate through considering that the longer I make these entries for... the longer that they themselves (in word count) become.

Maybe I just have more to say each time, maybe my thoughts grow more elaborate, maybe I am striving for a larger clarity or maybe I am steadily growing more long-winded as time passes! Whatever the case may be the idea is an interesting one and like I have said before: That initial timeline is always in the back of my mind and yup it has always been running in parallel to these other (so far) shorter timelines of entries.

On a similar note. I still like each day getting its own number and being 'a new day' and if it is hard to grasp why that is so significant to me (aside from purely record keeping purposes) let me try to explain it some... again! For myself it is (okay was) difficult to keep a consistent perspective over a large gradient of time when a bunch of stress and upheaval occurred.

Also it was equally hard to not psychologically vomit the past all over the future (or present) in a way that makes me even slightly capable of embracing a 'new beginning' so to speak... which is in part why each day 'being a new day' is rather significant for me to bring to my own attention. I mean just think about how each day is (in a very fundamental way) a new day. That being so and me being incapable of seeing (and embracing) that small factoid was a huge hindrance to my own personal growth.

In other words. Yup, it is a total mind trick that I play on myself and I have no qualms when it comes to performing such self-trickery! The term 'whatever works' comes to mind and perhaps if I had less dedication to overcoming trauma, loss, grief, heartache and all that jazz I would not find myself resorting to such measures in the first place.

I do have said 'dedication' though and while yeah I am always working to make improvements... the results thus far should be more than obvious to anyone who has kept up with these entries over the course of the last many years. Considering I have largely been 'going it alone' sans any professional help (or even non-professional help) the results in my not-quite-humble opinion have been spectacular.

Think about it, because in spite of all the ups and downs, the hardships, the scarcity, the external threats and/or dangers, the rough conditions, the physical injuries and ailments, the poor behaviors of others and all too many other factors... here I am... still doing it... still trying... still treating life as an experiment in progress and ultimately against all odds... rising to the occasion at hand with my psyche fully intact... my mental maladies being way more manageable... and a fierce commitment to sharing my life to the best of my abilities.

Perhaps from an outsider's point of view none of that means very much but to me it is absolutely 'hands down' a feat so marvelous that I can only embrace its results and frigging run with them! Just freeing myself from the grip of a multi-decade depression alone seemed like a damned miracle in and of itself but obviously (or mayhaps not-so-obviously) I have shaken off a slew of other things that yup just did not 'serve me' and were outright hindrances to my growth and well-being.

As much as I find all of that personal growth super awesome... I also have to admit to the failure of securing a long-term homestead for me, the critters and of course all my various projects. Which yeah was the secondary goal behind 'sharing my life' and along the way becoming a better person or just a more 'healed' one in the process. So in that regard I must admit failure, embrace the realization that perhaps I have gone about it all wrong and find a way not to repeat the mistake.

Perhaps all of that is why I have had such a challenging time finding a new place because (failing it being my 'own' place) I cannot see how I would not run the risk of winding up in the same spot of being uprooted once again. I mean seriously how many times do I need to bash my head against that same wall before I learn my lesson!

Also I really dislike how folks get happy for me to have made a new homestead just to watch them grow sad, annoyed and probably frustrated that I have to tear it all down, spend time flailing around looking for a new place to be... find a way to get there... and starting over. Which yeah that 'starting over' usually happens with me in some rough camping conditions that tend to be more or less anti-thematic to how I want to be living.

Of course in life I am obviously a 'risk taker' so yeah that does not frighten me or any horseshit like that but at some point enough is enough and I have to find a better way to do things that will ensure I (and the critters) have a long-term place. I mean I just cannot do it the way that I have been doing it anymore and it is as simple as that. Undoubtedly I will have to compromise on some of that but for the sake of this entry I hope folks understand my point.

Well, maybe not that 'simple' given that I have no real financial resources to work with, no solid opportunities that would see me in my own place (or land) or any means to get there if I did. I was not joking in yesterday's entry about being at a 'dead-end' in life because hell even if I landed in a 'raw land scenario' most of the gear that I need to live in such a scenario has gotten ruined thanks to all the inadequate storage (and rodents) in my current scenario.

I mean really it (my life and gear) is such a mess at the moment that I am at a real loss on what to do. Like I was saying a while back even if I clean my gear up (which yeah I have been doing) and repacked it (given I actually had stuff to pack it in) I do not have anywhere to store it safely away from the rodents and mold/mildew before I can get moved. I swear one big shipping container, bus, large box truck (or just about any damned thing) would go a long way towards solving most of those problems!

Of course I would then have to find a way to move said container (or whatever) once I loaded it full but like I am so fond of saying: We will burn that bridge when we get to it! I know folks seldom appreciate my twist on the 'we will cross that bridge when we get to it' saying... but my sense of humor is rather robust and wholly leaves out which side of the bridge I am on once it gets burned... or if I plan on building a new bridge in its place!

Yeah, it is a small 'intelligence test' just to see if folks ask the question(s) but I best leave off that train of thought before my internal laughter gets the best of me. As a side note, there is a good chance that if I start laughing about it all (my life in general at the moment) then I may well get off into some manic state that would be extremely challenging to break away from once it is in motion so yeah I tip-toe around it much like I do with getting too 'down and out' over things!

Anyway, the morning is dragging on here and once again I am mildly surprised by the flurry of words that I have found myself typing over the last several hours and the implications that they convey about 'where I am at' and just how far from my 'destination' of having a place in the world that I am. I swear just being angry and lashing out would be a heck of a lot easier path to take than the one I have chosen! That though... after all... is such a chickenshit approach to dealing with life that I just cannot fathom it having any real value... let alone being worthwhile to endeavor upon!

Okay, it is now late afternoon and my brief nap was yet again not much of a nap at all but at least I got some more of those 'all natural' anti-inflammatories by dozing off for a short time. Not that it really matters but the damn hemorrhoids choosing now of all times to flare up sure is not helping anything. They say 'bad luck comes in threes' so yeah I would not be all that surprised if I find/have more bad news any time now!

I know that my life and its prospects sound/are rather bleak at the moment (and yeah they are and it is) and although I dare not candy-coat it to myself... I also wholly want to avoid making it worse even if just in my mind. Maintaining even a shred of morale at the moment is ridiculously hard and yeah I have already pulled back from reaching out to folks because burdening others with my problems is just complicating things for me further.

At this point I am really at an utter loss on what to do besides... well that is as far as that line of thinking went because I do not know what to do... have no real answers and cannot quite see my way out of the blind alley that I am in. Sure setting some goal of relocating to a new region fixed a distant point in my mind so that I could tell myself: Yeah, there is a goal worthy of having and working towards.

Honestly though, I know all of that is more of a 'hope and a prayer' and a way to nudge myself into continuing to put one plodding foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Do not get it twisted because yeah I do like the idea of it, it has become an 'ultimate goal' in life but the feasibility of it is infinitesimally small and that is excluding the logistical and financial hurdles it would take overcoming to do so.

I also have serious reservations about moving into wildfire country that happens to also currently be drought stricken... and perhaps not so habitable over the coming years and decades. So yeah there are assuredly other factors at play while picturing myself making such a large change. After all a change in lifestyle, environment and mayhaps survivability by relocating myself, the critters and my gear out into the middle of the badlands is not one to be taken lightly!

It is a massive 'life move' in my way of seeing things and oddly enough given the crossroads (cruxroads) that I find myself at I should be making zero decisions 'lightly' at all. While sure they do not need to all be 'heavy' decisions they damn well must be exceedingly deliberate ones... whilst of course remaining flexible and open to compromises, backup plans and contingencies.

To put it quite candidly: I must queue up and resolve to maintain a constant mental 'reminder' to pull my head out of my own ass as often as it takes and look around... because life is still happening all around me and the chores still need doing, the storms still blow in, the critters still need fed... and all the other stuff that life has a way of throwing at folks... could come along and smack me down before I can make a single decision at all... regardless of its weight!

So there you have it once again. It is the one thing that I absolutely do keep reminding myself of each day as time passes here and my wheels continue to spin on moving forward in life. Because in essence I have to 'keep living each day' regardless of the turmoil, the stress, the uncertainty, the doubt, the reservations and the creeping black thunderhead of my own anxiety over my own and humanity's plight.

If I had to word down what I tell myself in one sentence it would be something like: Do not squander your attention on the things that do not matter... ahead is the path... look ahead... ...see you are on the path... now look around... is everything fine... everything is fine... then fine... everything is fine. Yeah, I am over simplifying things there but hey that was the point. It absolutely works for me though and in those moments the anxiety and uncertainty evaporates and I start to plan and then begin to do.

Assuredly things are not all that easy because there is always resistance along the way. Call them 'hangups' if you will, where I get fixated on one thing or another in such a way that I find it to be an impediment to progress and occasionally to constructive thought itself. It would be a good measure easier if said hangups were the usual suspects of anger and such but alas they are those of compassion, empathy, understanding all coupled with a desire to somehow help. Not just myself but everything and everyone.

Do not get that all warped in your mind there because I assuredly do not want to 'save the world' or anything like that but the compulsion to do so is always a short margin away from my desire to help myself and others. It is a fine line there but I do observe it and so please do not get a distorted view of what is really going on for me nor what I am expressing. To be clear here I have to be responsible for myself because alas no one will do it for me! I think that most folks would do well to toe a similar line but that is another point entirely.

Alright, it is much later in the day and the rain is still coming down so yup it has been another washout of a day! The weather at the moment absolutely suits my mood but it has represented quite the challenge on getting things cleaned up and packed down. I did make it up into the attic earlier and sorted through some of my journals so I guess that was something that I achieved no matter how small of an achievement it might be.

Whoa the remainder of the day has flown by and I guess that I should call this entry 'good enough' and work on getting it all edited. I hope that everyone is doing well and has a nice day/night.

P.S. Yeah I wish that I had something better to write about also!