Confession

It's been a while since I shared my thoughts and creativity with you. Besides a few blogs every now and then, my account has been quiet for quite some time, and that gave me the idea to let you know that I am here. That I haven't completely disappeared from the scene. But I'll be honest: lately hasn't been easy for me. I've been struggling with a severe lack of inspiration, and unfortunately that severe lack of inspiration wasn't the only challenge I had to overcome.

"Autumn Blues"

It all started with what I call the "autumn blues", a period when both the days and my mood became shorter. I know it from myself. It is a season in which I often deal with a certain degree of melancholy. During that time I often experience a downward spiral of gloomy thoughts and a loss of creativity that automatically accompanies this. In recent years I have only gotten through it reasonably well every time, so this year I did not even notice at first that I was starting to sink deeper and deeper into the gloom, and that gloom turned into absolutely black thoughts, those black thoughts rekindled my fears and so it continued. When you enter such a period, it takes a while before you realize that you are heading for full-blown depression. Unfortunately, that happened to me this time too...I didn't notice it, and my days became darker and darker and my thoughts blacker than black.

You can say that what started as a temporary autumn blues quickly developed into quite a depression. I felt like I was stuck in an endless loop of dark thoughts and emotional fatigue. Where I normally want to write and create things, I now felt trapped in my own thoughts, without any form of inspiration or motivation. Everything was a burden, an obligation that I couldn't commit to or focus my thoughts on.

Dogs to the rescue

Years ago it was Rowan who kept me going, in these moments it was once again my three faithful companions, Myla, Lana & Skipper who kept me going. They have supported me through thick and thin, without ever judging me. I have certainly not been the nicest owner for them lately, but they were always there, full of enthusiasm and unconditional love. They forced me to go outside, walk, and breathe the fresh air, and in the process, they slowly managed to get a smile out of me here and there.

My dogs have reminded me of the simple pleasures of life. The joy of a walk in the woods, which now looks beautiful with all the trees in their autumn colors, I just didn't see it! They allowed me to experience the happiness of a playful bark. And not to forget, when I threatened to sink into black, gloomy thoughts and fears again, they gave me their unconditional love by lying faithfully against me. They have not left my side. When you are in such a mood, a lot of your energy goes to your thoughts and your body often feels cold, my dogs offered me unconditional warmth from their fur. When my thoughts were at their blackest, they pressed their noses against my face to make me feel that I was not alone. They showed me that it's the little things that matter and that happiness and inspiration can be found in just their faithful presence.

Unconditional Love

One of the most valuable lessons my dogs have taught me is patience. They knew I wasn't at my best and that I needed time to recover. They were patient as they helped me slowly crawl back out of my depression. They allowed me to take my time, without any pressure or expectations. This helped me create a safe space in which I could focus on my recovery.

Now the time has come when I slowly start to feel some inspiration again. Yesterday I went outside with my camera for the first time. No, don't be under any illusions that I have been far away. It wasn't just taking a photo of a few lights in the garden, but it's a start. And I am happy with every step at the moment. I know from experience that depression can last a long time, and that recovery must start with small things. Think of little things like capturing the sunset on a walk with my dogs. Hopefully, I can soon find enough energy and inspiration to start painting again, and to work on the drawing course that I ordered shortly before the autumn blues started.

It's okay to fall, but what matters is how you get back up

One of the biggest challenges was to accept my lack of inspiration and my feeling of loss, to deal with my fears. My partner also supported me of course, he was also the one who told me that it is okay to fall, but what really matters is how you get back up. It's strange how lonely you feel and feel during such a period. And my partner and my dogs have helped me find my own resilience.

Now that my depression is slowly starting to decrease, and I can see a little further than just sinking into gloomy black thoughts, I am starting to refocus on my passions and interests. And of course, that also includes becoming active on my blog again.

I also hope to pick up my painting and photography again soon. If the inspiration and itch come back, I'm sure I'll be on my way back. It might still take some time. I have learned from the past that I should not force myself, but with the love, support, and trust of my partner and my dogs, I will get there again.

So here I am, back on my blog and ready to share my journey with you again. It's not a perfect journey, but ...

It is my journey this fall of 2023.