PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT CHRONICLES

Have you ever been so embarrassed that you wished the ground could open and swallow you forever?

Or

Witnessed first hand disgrace and you wish you could vanish from the surface of the earth with one snap from Thanos finger?

Well if you have experienced, something like this you should know that “There is no shame for the shameless” - True word from a finished man.

From your stomach rumbling in the presence of everyone to mistakenly farting loudly in a quiet space or that one time catarrh came out of your nose unprovoked when you were talking to your crush.

These were moments when I felt I should vanish into tiny air or turn into a flying creature for at least 24 hours. But Life has to move on, just like Black Sherif said “Of course, I fucked up, who hasn’t fucked up, hands in the air”- NO HANDS!!

THE BATTLE WITH MY STOMACH

The world would speak about the Cold War or World wars yet we fail to recognize the nuclear battle of Stomach.

The worst thing that can happen to anyone is hearing your stomach rumble and grumble inside a moving bus.

It is the early signs of first hand embarrassment, that is why I advise young and old people never to mix any food before leaving the bus station.

There was this one that I mixed porridge beans and ripe plantains with the expectation that my stomach would behave, I had no idea that my stomach was about going to war and had no business with obeying ceasefire.

The subtle realization that I was going to experience an atomic explosion was when my fart which used to be very odorless and quiet came out with a bang and smell of the fart had me the owner squeezing my face.

The way everybody turned their heads towards my direction, I could not help but lift my hands to apologize for the brief technical malfunction of my stomach.

Not less than thirty minutes after the kick off in my stomach and heard a quick sound but this time it sounded as though water was rushing down my anus, it seemed like I paid for suck away evacuation and it was about happening

I tried my best to negotiate with my stomach but my stomach wasn’t having it. Still trying to maintain my dignity and pride inside the bus but by this period I was sweating profusely like someone who was running marathon inside the bus.

I was doing the anus locking and opening ( a technique that I developed in 2017 that works by exerting pressure to close your anus and open it to allow a forward and backward movement of the waste without releasing it), this technique applies the law of Friction and defiles the law of Gravity, I think I should have a Nobel Price for this my contribution to humanity

Did it work?- Yes it did and I felt that I had beaten my stomach in this war but you know what they say “You can never beat nature”. The next rounds of ballistic sounds came straight from my anus and it sounds loud like the Big Bang Theory.

It was at this point that I made a clarion call to the Bus driver to halt the vehicle else the next voice and event he would see would be catastrophic to the bus. He quickly moved the vehicle to a bush so I could use the natural convenience. I rushed out from the bus as fast as Usain Bolt and pulled my clothes down and my anus rained heavily on the poor grasses

In all my years as a young boy, I had never really experienced what peace of mind felt like until I released those loads of shits with Tears of Joy flowing down my cheek.

So I wrapped up the exercise quickly and went back to the bus and I was welcomed by the bloggers on the bus who had dissected me into pieces.

I could the women in the bus saying “Children of nowadays will be eating anything they see, Long throat is a bad thing”. Someone was already saying that she noticed something had been smelling in the bus and everyone was looking my direction

I prayed for the ground to open and swallow me that day but it did not happen, my body was present in the bus but soul and spirit was gone

All meme were created by me using Source