Surviving Through Helpless Times; Embracing Resilience And Emphaty.

Whenever I tell people that I thank God I don't look like what I have been through, they find it hard to understand because they don't know me. My eyes saw shege and if shege was a name, it would have been a perfect name for me.

I went to Computer Village this week and got into a conversation with the engineer who was fixing the phone I took to the village. He said I am ajebutter which means a wealthy man's son, someone who hasn't been through any struggle in life and I had to look at myself again because if I could play my life story for him, he would realise that my life was never near an ajebutter lifestyle.

Growing up, I was helpless in many situations and being the type who doesn't know how to seek help from people made my situation terrible. I know my mother as someone who always worked for whatever she wanted and it was just impossible for me not to embrace the lifestyle. Although, it might take a lot of time but I will get the things I need.

It can be really disheartening to see your peers doing things and you can't do the same. This is about competing with anyone, it's about doing what's expected of you but it's difficult because of financial issues and others. I have been helpless in many situations but there was a particular one that broke me because I saw my dreams vanishing right in front of me.

After graduating from senior secondary school in 2008, gaining admission into a higher institution became a mission impossible for me due to my family's financial challenges. I waited the first year hoping for a miracle but nothing happened and I realized I had to make it happen for myself because no one was coming to help me.

I started working to save up for school and was able to take the bold step in 2013. My first day on campus was one of the happiest days of my life and I was focused on my studies. I knew money would be a challenge and already had plans on how to fix myself to prevent quitting halfway through school. The journey started well but everything I thought would last me for two years ended in year one despite not buying handouts and a whole lot of things.

It bothered me a lot but I had taken the task of teaching my coursemates and doing assignments for them seriously so I was making little cash. I wasn't billing them really because they were big girls and they know how to pay back. They returned the favour with food items and cash which are the things I needed.

The second semester exam came in year two and I couldn't make any payment. What I had saved from teaching wasn't enough and calling home wasn't an option because mom had my other siblings to cater for. I had uncles and aunts I could call but I never did that before and wouldn't do that because of the money.
I spoke the my HOD and he made me realize that the school would be strict with the exam because a lot of students were still owing. He promised to help but just for the first three papers, I wasn't expecting money from anywhere and everything just made me sad.

The school was strict really and my HOD fulfilled his promise. Immediately after the third paper, I went to my usual spot on one of the school fields and just lay there thinking about how all my efforts were going to waste. I was lost in thought and didn't know when I started crying, life was tiring for me. Everything I have been through came playing in my head and I lost the strength to keep pushing. That day, I really wanted to quit.

I was there on the field for a long time until one of my coursemates found me. She needed me to explain something ahead of the next paper and was surprised to see me in the state I was in. She insisted on knowing what was wrong and I explained. Right there, she gave me some cash and later that night, I got the balance for the school. Her group of friends that I always taught came through for me and I couldn't thank them enough.

Today, one of the reasons why I can't walk past a helpless person is because of everything I have been through and whenever I can't help, I feel terrible.