I Feel That I Deserve My Pain... But I'm Trying To Stop

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I get into that loop once in a while wherein I feel that I deserve the pain I inflict upon myself. It is pure self hatred to a degree that I have never experienced upon anyone else, even those I'd regard as the world's worst people (yes, I'm talking about people like Hitler... this is how low I think of myself). Hence, hitting myself seems rational. Yet, I know it's irrational. Yet, I continue.

A few years ago, I had a similar thing happen. I was clinically depressed. Being a doctor myself, I decided to prescribe myself St. John's Wort because I didn't want to take SSRIs. Frankly, I didn't wan to take any medications at all (similar to this time) because I hated myself... but my mother convinced me. Anyway, St. John's Wort has been clinically proven to be effective for mild-to-moderate depression in a number of studies. I took the recommended dose, and it wasn't sufficient (my depression was rather severe - I was feeling suicidal and on the verge of planning it out), so I raised it by 50% and found it to be a good balance to keep me stable. It worked for 3 years.

Due to a side effect I thought it had, I stopped taking it. I was good for a while, then a few big stressors came along, and a brief family rift simply threw me over the edge. I was back exactly where I was 3 years prior, again suicidal, in that irrational hellhole of my mind. I'm still there right now, but less than I was was a few days ago. I'm gradually climbing out of that mess again.

Again, my mother convinced me to restart the medication I had prescribed myself. I started it last night. It's going to take a while to take its full effect. I'm still in a terrible state, but at least I'm calmer today. Less angry outbursts. Maybe my allergies distracted me today... I've been sneezing and with a runny nose most of the day.

I haven't hit myself since morning. Maybe my mind's turning around. It seems a little bit too fast, but then again, I am determined to help my family. Maybe that's driving me forward. It's certainly quicker than 3 years ago. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I suppose I'm trying to find a light to lead me out.

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10 comments
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Suicide has never been the best and though, before you think about it again I suggest you travel around to new places especially slumb areas

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That inspiration/light guide is coming, Keep writting and fighting it, remember to thanks MOM bro.

U going better today ⚡ !LUV !BBH !DOOK

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Steadily climb out friend, we need you. Don't blame yourself too much for any fault. It does happen, not that we should be careless. Nevertheless, you have to be alive to correct mistakes.

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When I said to seek expert help, it wasn't yourself! This may have worked in the past but certainly today's condition seems to be a higher risk.

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I did actually go to an expert several years ago, the first time this happened. At that time, it had been insiduously developing over the course of several years until I reached breaking point. I didn't want medications then, so I used some mindfulness techniques to bring myself out.

The second time was worse, much worse. No amount of attempts at mindfulness worked. Only my Mom could convince me to help myself. I knew ending my life would devastate her, so she's the only reason I'm alive.

This third time, the low was quite bad, and close to the 2nd time, but appears to be resolving quicker. This time, I was very quick to catch it and address it. Once again, my Mom convinced me to resume the medications I had taken myself.

I'm just glad that I have the knowledge to be able to treat myself for now. Nevertheless, it would be amazing to be able to get off of it someday, even no I don't detect any side effects. I'm just not sure whether that's actually going to happen based on what transpired this time.

Cheers, brother!

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