The Unknown...

What's that one thing you didn't know about yourself till someone told you about it? Whether it's a physical feature or a character trait.

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It is indeed true that we can know all about ourselves, especially our character traits until people, or maybe two out of three people point out those traits to us first, and if people outside or surrounding us begin to point out that part of us, especially in a negative way, we begin to adjust or try to work on it or change which is a conscious effort for a better result.

More reason, why I don't get easily bothered when someone for the first time says something about me, especially character traits, and I am just hearing it for the first time especially if it is to spite me, maybe during a quarrel or beef, because I not only know my weaknesses, flaws, and strengths, but I also have friends and family who point out my character traits especially negative ones to my face without lying.

I very well knew from the onset that I am bossy, and this trait came as a result of carrying the whole family responsibility and making decisions for everyone at a young age when I realized that it could at a point bring riff between myself and others, I tried to work on it as I do not like trouble and love a place that is peaceful and conducive for my mind and soul, and now, this traits only appears when I am amid someone or people who are ignorant about a thing but refuse to learn and constantly become defensive when others point out the correct thing they are supposed to do.

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I have been constantly told that I am too proud and how I carry myself like I am all perfect and own everything and I have everything, and those times, I have looked at those people and decided not to respond or give a listening ear to them because it isn't my fault that they have low self-esteem and carry themselves haggardly with no respect to themselves. For a girl who has passed through the fire and out, for a girl who never dresses, speaks, acts and carries herself like one who has seen hell and back, I have every reason to pride myself and put a pad on my shoulder because if you can not, I can, I should and would.

I don't need anyone's validation about myself, I know myself, and I glory in myself and in what I carry, and what I have, I am proud because I know that I am Me and can be Me, I can stand anywhere if I want to, I don't just occupy space, I know my worth, smart, intelligent and do know that I can be me, with or without having to get married.

I knew and many times have been told that I have anger issues, and I don't disagree with that because I was taught by a young man that whenever you want to do something, do it right or do not do it, so I get angry easily when I see people do things the wrong way, and most times acting selfish and bizarre towards it, I also get angry easily when my friend tells me how she puts her life in danger just to please people who never see it and take her for granted and this happened today. I mean, I have been in that shoes and know that humans are humans and unfortunately some are ungrateful and very treacherous, so it is important to be selfish about oneself and put oneself first.

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So many of my traits, I discovered them myself, especially with my constant dealing with humans, and since I am a self-conscious, detailed, deep thinker, insertive, and always sit down to weigh, calculate, analyze, reproach, discipline, and rebuke myself before and after I say a word or take an action, it is easy to know myself more but one thing I never realized about myself and was that I never say one among the five magic words we have, which is "I am sorry."

Four years ago, I met a friend and one of those days, we were talking, or having an argument and he said, "Ever since I know you, you've never said " I am sorry" especially when you know you are not at fault and when I tried to argue it because I wasn't conscious about it, he brought instances and it dawned on me that I rarely say "I am sorry" especially when I know I am not at fault.

And few months back, a close friend made the same statement, exactly how my other friend had said it and I laughed and informed him I was aware of that little trait of mine. The thing is, I hate to hear "I am sorry" especially when many people today never mean it, and I hate to hurt people, so to avoid telling people I am sorry, I try as much as possible to not hurt people, it could happen unconsciously and I would be willing to you "I am sorry" but if I hurt you consciously, it could only mean I did it for revenge/payback because I am petty and love to give people a little taste of their own medicine especially those who refuse to see how their act is hurting another person and being defensive about it.

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I mean it is one thing to be ignorant and naive but willing to learn and it is another thing to be ignorant and naive yet defensive and refusing or never willing to learn or see your wrongs, even when it is placed in front of you, I am always willing to set those set of people straight and make them understand that life doesn't revolve around them only and when you come wailing because I gave them a little of their medicine, I never say "I am sorry" because it was a deliberate act to watch them wail, I mean it was expected of them.

So, I don't say I am sorry unless I mean it, and when I say it, I truly mean it, my conscience is there and alive, and from a place of sincerity, a place of regret, if I had wronged the person and it is well-deserved by whoever is the receiver but one thing is sure, I am open to corrections and still put my conscience in check because it never lies, it tells us the truth even when we refuse to tell ourselves out loud. And I don't take offense to people who say it whether they mean it or not, we are built differently with different backgrounds and perspectives about life, so I get it and as harsh as that sounds, that is my reality.

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Thank you for reading my entry to Hive Naija Weekly Prompt | Edition 68

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