I'm free but lonely. Lonely but surrounded. What can I do when all I have to do is keep it all together?

For the first time in my adult life, I am officially single. This new circumstance has opened a million doors to me. I am no longer tied to the whims of a selfish partner. I don't have to report my every move. I owe no one my time, save for my children. I can arrange my days and my space as I see fit.

With this freedom comes a frustrating amount of responsibility. There is no selfish partner to blame when the house falls apart. There is no one but me to care for the animals and the children. There is no one to share the burden of bills.

I am responsible for my life. This has led to some rearranging of priorities. As much as I have loved posting here on Hive it has taken a back seat to getting my house and world in order. Rooms must be cleaned, time must be spent teaching kids, money must be made. There is no room for error, no one will pick up my slack.

It's hard not to be lonely. Despite the kids, and the dozen or so friends I have recently acquired, I still want the intimate company which I am lacking, not that I have ever had that sort of company. I realize that I want only what I have created in my mind, what I imagine others have. I don't know what a good relationship feels like.

Do I just want sex? Do I just want someone to help me so I can slack? I didn't think I could do this on my own, but a few months has shown me that I can. I can balance kids and work and a house and friends. I can't have it all, some things have to be set aside sometimes, but who wants it all? I have enough.

If I get more, good. If I get less, good. If it just stays the same, also good.

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S. D. G.

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