When I Am Safe (LOH 195)

I made a statement to someone about how I felt 32 and not the opposite. He asked me why and I explained that most times it feels like I don’t know what fun is anymore.

He told me he still saw my inner child. He said that I may not know it but my inner child comes out often especially when I’m stressed. He was surprised that I did not know.

When I asked him what he meant he replied by enumerating a number of things I do that’s not so “mature” and that he finds endearing. The funny part is my mother mentioning the same thing. About how sometimes she’d catch a glimpse of the toddler I used to be and then of the pre-teen.

I guess I have these moments often but I don’t see them. It’s so hard to tap into your inner child when all the things that goes on in your mind have nothing to do with your childishness. I honestly believe that for someone to keep and maintain their inner child despite this world and all it has turn to, they need to be safe first. Creating a safe place where you can be yourself is out of this world. Even better when you have that space with a few people.

The walls of my home is the safest place I can think of. There’s no where as safe for me as my bedroom. This is where you see all of me and who I really am. No pretences, no walls and maybe this is why I always contemplated if marriage is really for me. But I digress…

When I’m in my house I do things I won’t dare do outside. I show my vulnerabilities. My inner child loves to dance and she can’t dance to save her life. Watching Deraa dance is like watching a stick try balance yoga on an electric chair. My coordination is whack and my muscles never obey me. Still, I find pleasure in dancing and having stupid imaginations that I’m actually doing it right. I don’t think I’d ever dance for anyone apart from myself and my mom.

My mom always bursts into laughter at my short spurts of energy. She calls my legs “mosquito legs” because they really do look like one when ever I start moving them.

Showing my excitement for stuff is not something I do often. I mean I feel it but then if I don’t feel safe enough, I won’t show it. Let’s just say little things impress me a lot and there are people who would want to take advantage of that. Someone already did. In her not so nice words, I was cheap for letting myself get excited by these things. That forever stuck and I just can’t see myself letting anyone close to that part of me to hurt it again.

I get excited doing things I love and most often than not (within my personal space of course), I am acting out based on these excitements. Throwing my legs around and shaking my body like a skeleton. All this only my mom gets to see and boy is she glad that I still have this part of me.

That part where people say, “you only see what I want you to see” is true. Don’t ever think you know all about a person because even married couples learn something new about each other. Sometimes, I feel like a terrible person because there’s more to me that I can’t let out to even the closest of my closest friends. To some they only know 50% and some 80% and I like to keep it that way. The mistake I made before was not locking up a part of myself for my sake and that made it very easy to get to me.

My inner child is still there. I feel her most times. She’s vulnerable and seeks attention but she knows when to drop the attitude. I don’t know how much of my inner child is still alive but last night, she came out again. Listening to oldies music (Afro) does that to me too.

So, what about you? What brings out your inner child? Tell us in the Ladies Of Hive Prompt Contest