To Err Is Human

Humans will be humans. I bet that is why the saying ‘to err is human’ exists. Whoever came up with that phrase must have made many mistakes or people around them must have really shown them. Being human is not easy at all. One time, I just thought that the Universe was just one big game and we are fighting daily for supply. Still, we as humans must make mistakes to learn from them. Most often than not, we create those sticky situations ourselves.

Compared to now, I was someone who had no idea what the word sorry meant. Years ago, I would rather just walk away than say sorry. I was proud like that but then, looking back as a young adult on my actions as a young girl and I am convinced that it wasn’t pride but rather me running away from having to bare my soul. Sorry, to my younger self, sounded like me giving in and letting another human have the opportunity to kick me where it hurts. Ah! Well, no. It was Pride all right, just manifested differently. I would never back down even when I needed to. It always felt wrong. Not anymore.

Coming out of that habit took a lot of practice and self-control. In fact, I would see situations where I need to stand down coming from miles away and just automatically back off. My thought process remained "whatever requires me to say sorry, I would rather just back down now". However, I am not all knowing and sometimes even my emotions gets the best of me and I end up in a position where I have to say sorry. One that happened recently was with my boyfriend.

I had done something he was not happy with and he told me but let us say I immediately entered defense mode and it did not sit well with him. He backed down but in a manner that it hurt my feelings. Men can be oblivious and so mean sometimes that you wonder if they are the same people who promised to listen and make sure, you always felt safe. I withdrew, stewing in my own right even if my subconscious was telling me I was not entirely right.

What was so hard was replaying the whole scenario in my head and seeing exactly how I mismanaged the situation. The mistakes I made and just how I had disrespected him when I could have done so much better to manage the situation. The harder part was saying sorry. Trust me, I am not oblivious to the pride we women have. I am a woman and most times, if we do not respect you enough as a man (from what I have observed, I could be wrong), we will not back down. I guess this is why the mandate for the woman is to 'submit'.

After stewing for hours and wallowing in self-pity, I properly looked back at the situation and replayed it in slow motion in my head. When I was done, I drew a long breath because I knew I was wrong. From my response to the whole demeanor at which I used to come at him, of course, he felt disrespected and he reacted the best way he knew how. Which was not right either. We are both learning when it comes to each other.

The old Deraa, would not reach out first or try to at all. Nevertheless, I did. I was literally giving him the ammunition to dismiss me (as some idiots did in the past) and make me feel smaller than I already did. However, I knew I could not run from the situation. This is someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with, if we cannot go around one misunderstanding, just how do we plan to stay together?

It was really hard saying sorry first but not even half as difficult as turning around and walking back to the same person who’d hurt me in the heat of the moment to hold my hand again. He proved himself by taking my hand and settling our differences, and quickly moving on. I think that is what I struggle with most when owning up to my faults. I first have to overcome the fear of being dismissed. Nothing hurts like feeling as if you do not matter. In this case, I made the move and… I am happy I did.