The Resting Bee Face

Looking at the prompts, I may be answering both of them. I have had many of my (ex) friends tell me several things that I do or traits that I have that I never knew existed and that helped me a lot because I could work on them. I am not perfect today either but I am not as blind as I used to be.

I have been called out on my bossiness, my unwillingness to learn, my argumentative nature, and spite for corrections. Looking back, I am grateful that those criticisms came at the time they did because I cannot imagine the opportunities I’d have lost. The first thing I found myself working on was the urge to argue. I was an argument queen and a bitchy one, especially on a topic I have deep knowledge of. Today, that trait still slips once in a while but not as badly as it was before.

The other was my bossy nature. I thought that not talking at all was enough to solve the problem but I would learn that I needed to create a balance between my assertive and competitive traits. I can be quite assertive especially when it comes to my beliefs and ideas. It takes more than words and some silly action to change my mind on something. Which is why I tend to project that on others sometimes. However, I learned when to be quiet and when to talk. I also learned to read the room which is why I can be very sensitive to subtle messages. This is also not a very good trait as it gets in the way sometimes.

With all that said, there is one trait that I was called out for and still remains till date. A resting bitch face. I remember when I asked a certain person I was dating why he approached me because I remember I wasn’t on my best behaviour that day. He told me my poker face did it. That I just had this aura of, “bitch, I rule” and he was drawn in. Funny how a girl who approached me said the same thing, and later she would tell me that I had a resting bitch face but my charisma couldn’t be ignored.

At first, I had no idea what to do with all that information. I would just thank them and move on. However, people would begin to tell me to smile more, not to be so guarded and I would get confused because when I begin to smile more I am labeled unserious with the term “miss smiley face”. As time would pass, I would try and deal with this conflict of who I am and who I am supposed to be.

Fast forward to present, someone and I start talking anew (like always happens), and she tells me how when she first saw me I gave off an air of “arrogance” especially since I don’t smile but then one day she saw me with my friends (people I am comfortable with) when we were returning from a day out and I looked so carefree and my smile made something warm up inside her. She ended with, “you should smile more.”

I thought about it. Very long and hard even this morning as I made my way out of the house. Do I want that? To smile more? Of course but I can’t be bothered with how people perceive me because in the end, people will see what they want to see. My experience taught me that. People would draw conclusions no matter what you do, so why should I bother?

I am well aware that there are consequences to actions but in this space of mine, I am comfortable just being me and I will be who I want to be with anyone. So, resting bitch face or not, I do have the ability to make people comfortable around me.