Self-Conscious: Why I feel...Why I do?

“Are You Introspective?”

I came across this question last night while trying out one of those online tests. I had to google the meaning and yes, I am introspective. I find myself thinking on my actions and emotions trying to find the possible reason as to why I feel the way I do sometimes.

Finding the answers as to why we feel something and act on it seems like a mystery to me. I still do not understand how some people I have come across have so much control over their emotions and what they feel. I admire people who do not lash out under pressure. Does not happen that way for me. While I think I get excessively silent or meditative when I come across an unfamiliar emotion, I still do not think I have the answer to why I experience it in the first place.

I am very self-conscious. Whether that is a good or bad thing, I am yet to find out. I care what people think about me but not on every level. Just the first time maybe because I do believe in first impressions. After that, I get to know you, I decide if your opinions affect me or not. I do not know if this is a good thing given the fact that I am what you would term as selfish. I am conscious enough to know that I live inside my head and get carried away by how my world moves. I care about people of course, but I have to care deep enough to be a part of your world and let what happens to you affect me. Not everyone around me has that privilege.

The thought of letting people in is always a scary thought. Life itself is scary but people still live it with the uncertainty it comes with. I do wonder what happens after we die but now, we live and that is what matters. I have not fully come to understand what happens in my own world. Why do I react to this or that? Why do I shy away from this or that? What made me speak like that? Every day, I dwell on some actions of mine and conclude what to do next. Do I need to drop a particular habit? Do I need to drop a particular person? I did not know this but I realized recently that I am conscious of the people around me and the value they add to my life.

I look back and see that I forgot some people easily because they added no value whatsoever. Then there are people always at the back of my mind even if we do not talk as much as we used to. I miss them but that’s about it. I do not know how to rekindle stuff. Another consciousness. I may or may not throw in the towel easily because I have no idea what to say or do in certain types of situations. Sometimes, I find myself angry at fictional characters for behaving a certain way when the truth is, I am angry that they do not behave like me.

It is very easy to close up during hard times. Very easy to raise an impenetrable wall of fire around ourselves and convince ourselves that we have no one but us. Very easy to fall into the mindset that says, 'I can do it alone'. I am just beginning to realize that I cannot do it alone. No matter how dark the truth seems to me, I need people. That is scary considering I do not let people get too close in the first place. Those who think they know me actually don’t and still have a lot to learn. This is the same thought I have when I talk with people I care about immensely, 'I still don’t know you. I want to know you.'

However, maybe I am also conscious enough to know when I am making excuses. I am my own worst critic. This leads to me doing things in repeated loops until I am very satisfied which is almost never. I find myself browsing the internet looking for answers to stuff I already know because I feel what I know is not enough. Then I wonder again, 'would I ever get past this phase where I am not confident in myself or my work? Where I can passionately talk about things without feeling like an idiot among wolves?'

I do not lack confidence. I am only filled with self-doubt and that is something I am trying to work past. This thought affects me daily when I try to make decisions. I do not fully trust myself and that is painful. It is painful that I may need a second opinion on something. Or is this the old me talking? The one who does not need people. I really need to know these things but life is full of twists and turns. We never know the answer do we? We think we do but we only find out later that we don’t. All this I am conscious of and still find myself revisiting repeatedly in the hopes that I would finally get an understanding as to why I feel the way I do.

_{This is my entry to Day 3 of the INLEO Daily prompt for the month of June. Join now by clicking this link to participate. All Images are mine.}