Reflection: Some Childhood "Lessons" Really Weren't Very Useful!

As we wind down another day, I found myself reflecting on the way some of the childhood "lessons" we are taught by our parents and extended family of origin might not always be very healthy, nor in our best interest.

Well, I suppose they may have been OK when we were kids, being used as a simple survival tool, but they don't serve us very well as adults because they're actually quite toxic.

Sometimes I think about one of the habits I developed when I was quite young, and how it subsequently became a source of much frustration and pain in my life.

I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but I used to find myself in a group of predominantly angry and aggressive people who were all fired up and "blamestorming" over who's responsibility it was that something had not gone according to plan, or some property might have been damaged or destroyed, and with nobody seemingly willing to yield their perspective I would find myself stepping up and taking responsibility for what went wrong — even though it was not my responsibility to take. In fact, it may have had absolutely nothing to do with me that things went wrong.

Now, why would a person do such a thing?

Well, at the time I had a very strong compulsion to "keep the peace" in groups of people. I suppose it was something I learned from being quite young where it often fell to me to try to keep the peace between my parents.

My mother was a functional alcoholic, and my father had anger issues, and the upshot of that was quite frequently that my dad would get angry because my mother had failed to do something or had "fallen asleep" (so to speak) in terms of keeping up with the household and an argument ensued.

So just to stop the shouting I would step up and admit that it had been me who knocked a plate on the floor or left spilled drink somewhere, without cleaning it up.

That would result in a brief retribution and punishment, but at least there would be silence after that.

Of course, as a 9-year old I had no power to argue with my parents or actually tell the truth about what had happened so I was choosing whatever strategy I could to prevent "war" from breaking out.

Perhaps that is actually a valid strategy when you're a kid with no recourse and frightened by loud voices to boot, but it's not a very healthy thing to continue carrying forth into the world with when you're an adult.

Which I did. Well, at least to some extent.

Although I would periodically end up shouldering the burden of various mishaps and disasters in both my work life as well as among the extended circle of family and friends, the primary effect on my life as a whole — this all mainly happened when I was in my 20s and 30s — was that I started largely avoiding people altogether because of my perception that they were volatile, blaming, unpredictable, prone to anger, and generally could not be relied upon because they only thought of themselves - not about what was a generally good outcome for the group as a whole.

Again, I say this was my perception… which is potentially different from the actual truth that unfolded in the moment.

The interesting thing about all this — and why it occurred to me to even bring it up — is that these old patterns can be remarkably difficult to "dislodge" from our psyches.

Even though I went through several rounds of therapy, it really wasn't until my mother (as the last parent) passed away that I truly felt "released" from that pattern.

Even so, I remain mostly of a "peacemaker" nature... as I have written about, previously.

Thanks for stopping by, and have a wonderful Friday!

Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! Because — after all — SOCIAL content is about interacting, right? Leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation! I do my best to answer comments, even if it sometimes takes a few days!

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Created at 2023-02-10 00:16 PST
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