To make peace with myself

I was going to write a lengthy religious post initially, but half way there i decided to scrub it a d give this a fresh start. WOLO, we only live once, and lets make the best out of it, whichever religious is yours, most importantly is you live your life to the fullest.

i have a lot of complaints in my life, but all that complaints came with a flip side, the better side. I have changed to this new job, which turns out took up a lot more of my time to get things done.

On the flip side, i got a slightly better pay. It's not like the tiny salary worth the amount of work, stuck in the office for 14 hours, but still i felt I'm so much more useful than i was compare to my previous job that took away 9 gears of my life.

I still love cigarettes smoke a lot. Many ex-smokers claims after they had stopped smoking, they hate the smell of it. To be frank, i still find myself indulging in the second hand smoke blow by from the next person. There was a time, i had to struggle and keep myself away from other smoker, so i dont go and ask for a stick of cigarettes for myself.

The more i think of it, the more i felt the urge of returning to my old path. Fortunately, that part of the "self consciousness of not to smoke" finally gone. I felt absolutely normal when someone besides me smoking. I can tell the brand by smelling the smoke 🤣 and when im being offered a stick, i can proudly tell them i dont need it, but i dont mind if they have me around when they're smoking.

My eating disorder after stopped smoking? Well, this is actually flipping to the wrong side. I spent a lot more on my food budget compare to my cigarettes budget previously. Over the past few months, i think I've finally make peace with myself. Its not like i need the excuse of keep stuffing my face when i don't smoke.

Come on man, its not like 4 years is not enough. 4 years ago, today was the 2nd day of national emergency lockdown due to the virus attack. I had the last pack of cigarettes with me. I can still recall the day i was worrying where to find my next pack of cigarettes. By the 5th day, I'm totally out of stock, and i was struggling to badly until i rolled up a stick of toilet paper and lite it up.

Well, the flip side of that was a puff of burning toilet roll, and mouth full of burnt toilet paper smell, and I've stopped smoking for 4 years now 🤣 4 years man. 4! If this is not the good side, what is?

I have commited to myself with a vegetarian lent for these few weeks, not because of losing weight... Well, not entirely about losing weight, but most importantly to educate myself to let go of that feeling of "stop smoking". Its about time to reflect and think about my life moving forward, to start thinking more often on the flip side - ofcourse the good side.

So, I've changed my 9 years long service job, now I'm in a new company. Its up to me how to write my new 8 years ahead, who knows if i will start to love this job? I've stopped smoking, i feel like a big chunk of myself is missing. Good thing is, i ate a lot more now and i found back a big portion of myself surrounding my waist 🤣

With the grace of God, i strongly hope that i will be able to totally stop thinking about not only stop smoking, but to stop myself from over eating in the name of stop smoking 🤣