The chapter that never closed

The routine weekend drive is now started to feel taxing and more daily work become tedious and behind schedule. I'm not putting a blame to anyone other yhan myself.

I have always been thinking one day if my dad is gone, i will be grieving for a couple of days, blow the candle and shut the book, and call that closing the chapter.

Eventually, its slightly more than that... Wait... Its alot more than that actually. Sometimes i find myself finding my dad's number in whatsapp, and listening to his voice message. It somehow gave me the idea of his presence despite the fact that i know he's already at somewhere else with our dear God.

Mom isnt doing exceptionally well as the doctor suspect she's developing depression and anxiety. She cant stop fiddling anything and everything in the house since my dad is not around.

If we think it back, all these started a couple of months back when she had a stroke. I think that's the time she started to feel she can do better than that, but the stroke had took away her abilities to take care of my dad.

The fact that she become weaker than my dad that point of time literally took away one of the most important role, which is taking care of my dad. Now, with my dad gone, its like taken away the hope of she recovering and continue to take care of my dad.

How can ee not worry, but there's nothing much we can do now. I don't mind yo drive myself all the way back there every weekend, so she can "take care of me", but driving long distance itself is a risk, and traveling time and fuel costs slowly adding up.

My personal life is taking a toll as well. To be absolutely honest, I cant remember when was the last time i initiate sex with my wife. No I'm not saying I don't love her no more, it was my mind overly occupied by work and my parents.

And the feeling of consuming deadbodies continue to haunt me. It's not like im trying to play that vegetarian card. I've been consuming meat my whole life, i certainly know how good those meat tasted.

The struggle is, the picture of butchering someones siblings, chopped them into pieces, deep fry them and sauce it up keep reminding me no matter how good it taste, i should feel guilty and responsibly for that food on the table.

No I am not to that extend of NOT consuming meat. Consciously, I can control my action. I got mysrlf a bowl of curry chicken rice and the moment i remove the lid, its like half a bowl of it only.

Placing my finger besides the bowl, that should give you an idea how much less we got from the deal. And yhe pieces of nuggets on yhat curry bowl, mostly are fried potatoes 🤣 what you think all those are chicken bites?

To rub salt to the wound, the bowl is actually constructed with a hollow bottom structure. Technically, thats even less than half a bowl, but who am i to complain? Life is rough.

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Sorry i have drifted away too far. Pictures are all taken in home town visit over the weekend, and basically thats the kind of life i am "enjoying" for the time being. I am trying my very best to make a come back for regular posting and engaging. I need to really think about my future with crypto, my real life job that the amount of pressure may actually kill me before my contract finishes. Most importantly, my mom, my family. At the moment, i am like the auto fast-forwarding mode in my life.

And on most nights you're so bored and filled with ennui, you can't even summon the enthusiasm necessary to masturbate.
Terrence Stamp