Abracadabra
What's worse than a middle-aged, native English-tongue-having, white man?
A middle-aged, native English-tongue-having, white man only child, am I the only one..
...who thinks it's funny when they see a boat with a tarp on it?
No! Please, no! Don't get my boat wet. Anything but THAT!
Makes about as much sense as Los Angeles Fire Department extinguishing a structure fire with moonshine.
Senseless like fake nipples.
Don't get my boat wet's about as stupid as ordering dinner without a plate.
Hi, thank you for serving me. I'll have the snow crab and vegetables, please, no butter Oh! And another thing. No plate. Yeah, just throw it on the table. Also, I'd like a bowl of your tomato bisque appetizer, minus the bowl. Thank you!
Raise your hand if you ever went to a blog post and got a free magic trick like don't take your eyes off the
p
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Tada!
Cottage: Cozy little cabin nestled away in the woods.
Cheese: Dairy product that pairs nicely with just about everything.
Question: What the fuck is cottage cheese?!
I was in the gardening center at Hormone Depot yesterday. It's what I call Home Depot—where all the construction guys go for building materials so all the lady sales associates dress sexy like Halloween night—Hormone Depot.
I got Atlas with me cuz no magician leaves the house without his assistant. We're scoping out all the different colored decomposed granite when, over my shoulder, I overhear a conversation between a male employee and a female customer and he goes:
Sounds like you got a healthy bush.
.........
....
Nearly 50 years I've been waking up and not a single once did it occur to me all I have to do to make money being wildly inappropriate is get on Hormone Depot's payroll.
'Sounds like you got a healthy bush?!?'
I'll never forget how awkward I felt the first six or seventeen dozen times I complimented fake boobs like a new tattoo:
Nice tits! Where'd you get'em done at?
Had no idea I could go straight to bush if I worked at Hormone Depot..
Sounds like your bush could use a little trim.
Come, with me. I got just the right seed for your bush.
If you need a hand digging up your....
I HATE missed opportunities!!
Wanna put a stop to school shootings?
STOP HAVING KIDS!
Wanna put a stop to all school violence?
STOP FUCKIN WITH ABORTION LAWS!
Morons.
Stupid like trying to keep water out the boat.
A boat with a tarp on it makes about as much as sense as casting a fishing line at a tire shop.
Hi, I got a little over 30 thousand miles on my radials and was considering switching to a more aggressive mud terraaayyyYY.... Dude! Is that a tuna on the rack?!
Senseless like artificial fingerprints.
I think of weird shit sometimes like why is there an N in messe[n]ger? I've never messanged anyone. Never left a voice messange on a machine, either...
I think of weird shit sometimes like I've never received a call from someone who extended their life, all they ever do is die.
I've been sober for 10 years now. 10 years and some change. August 2nd is my tenure if you're keeping score. No pills or cigarettes or liquor or beer or any substance that requires anything other than photosynthesis to develop—sober. I used to drink bourbon and Coke.
Now, I enjoy a piece of dark chocolate with my Coke Zero. I used to drink bourbon and Coke.
Now, I don't wake up in strange places and then praise God in the middle of a dimly lit, unfamiliar street after jumping from a third floor balcony to escape some chicks grasp I've never seen in my life with a monkey on her shoulder screaming, "but I got 9 more!" and then finding a truck that looks a lot like mine when, come to find out, it is mine!! I used to drink bourbon and Coke.
Now, I've been jail-free for 10 years and some change! I used to drink bourbon and Coke.
Now, I don't have to apologize for saying what I really think cuz ever since I began seeing clearly, I'm able to disguise my true feelings.
If only comedy stole the headlines instead of innocence.
Is your refrigerator running?
Wake up tomorrow and your algorithm's got Putin prank calling Macron and Kim Jong Un's challenging Kamala Harris to an ice bucket challenge—loser buys ice cream at the local children's hospital but no0OoOo...
Death!
~Destruction~
{ʙᴏᴍʙꜱ}
MORE BOMBS!
BIGGER FUCKING BOMBS!!!!!!
You know you're old when you're sitting across the dining table from your wife and the two of you are discussing pros and cons between selling the house or keeping the house and one of the first pro's is: "modern diagnostic center nearby."
Or, if you've had sex with an IcyHot.
(On your back, I mean)
(I mean sex with an IcyHot patch on your back!)
Meh, whatever. So I got a back that looks like turn 1 at Daytona. I refuse to let it handicap human natures finest couple of minutes.
I'm from where the weed's so good it's only after your toothbrush enters your mouth you realize just how similar Aquafresh is to Aquaphor.
One more, but only cuz it's real short.
Target, I've mentioned it before, American consumerism's version of Disneyland. If you've never been stateside, Target is a department store the size of an airport that sells everything from cilantro, toothpicks, socks and underwear to motor oil, solar panels, medicine and live chickens—Target. They sell, quote, healthy candy there, too.
End quote.
Alright, so, I'm at Target a couple weeks ago because Pura's birthday was right around the corner and I'm a got dang gentleman, that's why! I should get her some sugar-free candy, I thought. She has chronic pancreatitis—can't consume unnatural amounts of natural sugar.
No added sugars, no sugar alcohol and absolutely NO erythritol! Monk fruit's fine, Stevia's ok, it's challenging. Takes time.
There's a lot to watch out for.
Doesn't help when the fine print's finer than fine print on a U.S. quarter dollar.
Big shout-out to ChocZero for preserving all that real estate on the back of the box!
Anyway, Target, I grab a bag of M&M looking candies and that box of ChocZero cookies, there's quite a few, quote, healthy alternatives, end quote, to choose from when this ghetto ass chick next to me who hasn't been there longer than one minute's growing unmistakably impatient by the second.
Sugar free?? Healthy alternative? Where all'da real candy at?!
Ghetto like pajamas inside Target at three in the afternoon ghetto with socks and sandals, what's up with that anyway, socks and sandals? And sometimes they don't even wear clean socks. Decayed old hand puppet looking atrocities that need put out of their misery.
I got two things of candy, I'm good, but this lady's so aggravated she's pacing back and forth and talking loud enough to herself I can hear everything she's saying, I'm not going anywhere. I grabbed a bag of whatever it was and acted like I cared what it said on the back and she's all..
Why everything gotta be healthy! Wher'day keep all'da real candy??
I pretend not to notice but it's a front, it's all a front. That store coulda been on fire and Id've pretended to read whatever those were the whole time she flipped out.
It's against my religion to disrupt a quality performance.
Dis can't be all'da candy. Dare's gotta be mo candy round here somewhere!
She whipped her hair around and hastily stormed off to the center bay and down a couple aisles; each heel and each toe sound off like sandpaper against stucco as they're dragged across the hard floor barely able to stay on her feet because they're fucking sandals—heel - toe - heel-heel - t-toe.
Sir!
She's a couple aisles away now but I still hear her like she's right next to me, she must've found an employee. She's persistent.
Sir!
Sir!
Excuse me, Sir!
SIR!
Just like that, too, hardly a 1/2 second between sir's: "Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!" Demanding dudes attention.
Sir, where all'da real candy at, you know, real candy like Snickers⁉️
Real like Snickers, end quote.
I can't see either of them, they're a couple aisles away but I hear her, the whole store can, and then a man's voice yells back:
"LADY! I DON'T EVEN WORK HERE!"
He, he. I feel his pain.
I've got to make a case for socks and sandals. There are times when it's right.
Love that first now-you-don't-see-Atlas-then-you-do set of pictures. Love a path going to nowhere and that fresh green,can almost smell it.
Hiya! Good morning. It's still morning where you are.
I agree.. to the mailbox, or maybe even to wash dishes in in the winter. Clean socks, for sure! = }
Thank you. Appreciate all the support you've shown me. <3
Tranquil.. Birds. All the crickets and buzzing things. Squirrels and rabbits scurrying like squirrels and rabbits.
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Tada!
Landscaping can allow you to be wildly inappropriate about bushes, and there's a high probability that more than one stay-at-home wife will 'accidentally' show you theirs. Plus, you won't have to give up weed to work as a landscaper.
Hormone Depot... that's some funny shit right there! My local store goes against this policy though, and only hires people guaranteed to reduce the level of hormones in the aisles. It works, because it reduces the number of customers in the aisles. Maybe they don't care as much because we don't get any Mexicans at the Home Depot stores this far north.
I was happy to see this. I think it's a sign that I'll have a good week. Now that I've said that, I'm sure I'll step in some magically appearing dog shit when I get dressed and go outside, but it'll be okay. I'll just wipe my foot on the neighbor's bush.
Thanks for the laugh!
Surprise!
That's a Chinese technology joke I'm still working on but you're welcome to step in it, I'm cool like that.
My pleasure, dude. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Writing them is one thing, structure and all that, you're doing it live in front of strange audiences. It's all I can do to keep up and I don't mean bush.
So you didn't warsh away after all?
The Luckiest Guy I Know strikes again, Jethro. All around us, man, bad bad and more bad. Neighbors tree was in their house for a couple days.
Saw similar more than once.
Bridge to Greenville washed down river so we couldn't get to Knoxville to fetch the boat for about a week but D and A made it out fairly unscathed.
Docks aren't supposed to do that.
Hello Atlas, what I see down there is a cluster bomb! 🤣 You are so beautiful, I choose you and not the chocolates.
This guy, this dandays, makes me laugh, but he's a bit cranky. If my back hurts, do I need a patch? Because it hurts.
It was good to see you!
Ok, I'll be real, real quick but don't tell anyone!
I think cranky is pretty accurate. Edgy, angry, unpredictable; I'm a buncha adjectives. I'm so lucky to have a wife that not only puts up with me but actually cares about me. Abandonment issues, BIG time, never met the father of me. Only child, buried my mother at a young age, only parent I ever met. Yeah, babe, I'm a :censored: wreck. I try to mask it with humor, can you tell? Thanks for looking past my flaws. Much love, you, I appreciate you. Ok, I gotta get back in character now before someone sees me.
~poof
I'm cranky too... 😕 But I can't tell you right now why. Let's just say I didn't have it easy.
I put on patches all the time and I don't have anyone to put up with me.
But 🤐 pssss... Mouth closed.
Thanks for sharing that. It's not often I feel emotion in letters.
If I was there I'd point out all the little nuances in our peripheral everyone else calls monotonous. I can spot a funny hand just by the way it holds a smoke or a funny character by the way she pretends to respect whoever's on the phone.. Monotony's hilarious.
Do you have brothers or sisters? Both parents? Was that too personal?
I'll just tell you that I don't look like I'm from where I'm from.
Yes, I see things like that, lots of things. And seeing more than others isolates you a little bit, more. But you are an example that life ends up bringing us together with the right people in the end.
;)
I can't believe I didn't put the pieces together. You're precious! Man, I so wanna know! You're precious... Danget, see what you did? Now I'm now I'm repeating myself.
🎶😃
I've never been called precious twice in one line before.
Well, I have to go out but my back hurts, it's serious. Have a nice day. 😜
Bye.
(I lol'd. A real one, not the written acronym kind)
You're the toughest chick I've never met.
Ciao!
Edit, please. 😁
Ciao? Bueno haz lo que quieras!
👀 Oh nooo... 🤦♀ chick was great!
I'm glad you like it. Cool you noticed. I have a couple now with slightly different colors I'll be switching around.
I'm making a pizza. Mmmm.
😉 como cambiar de atuendo, genial.
Is the pizza ready? Or is there not even a slice left?
Can I have an ice cream shake too, any flavour?
Ready and gone. You know how Americans are—eat like we're under time constraints. Thing took me like 3 hours to make and 3 minutes to kill.
:confession: I'm still in character and I just deleted all kinda wildly inappropriate responses to ice cream sh-sh-sh-shake.
😂
Okay, sssssshake.
3 hours to make - 3 minutes to kill (pure genius)
I am happy to say that in just under two years time I will no longer be a privileged middle aged white guy, I'll simply be officially old with all the benefits that come with it. Discounted bus passes, train passes and free eye prescriptions, none of I which I use. I'll also elicit sympathy when I say something politically incorrect and get called a dinosaur. Such as saying to you, "Did you know that you were absolutely mental?"
That's just an illustrative example of course, I'm not really saying that about you, yet. For now, I'll say you're err quirky, my friend!
This was funny as fuck. Comedy is always funnier when there's a huge does of truth attached.
Thank you. I needed that read!
Hope you're all well as can be and next time, I expect a whole article written about the reintroduction of beavers. Beavers are infinitely more dynamic than bushes!
I saw the photo and laughed out loud, haven't read a single word yet. Pura's still sleeping dude, you tryin to get me killed?!? Black socks, eh? How PC of you. = }
Hey, I resemble that remark!!
What in the heck's up Martin? Thank you. I don't know if I ever told you but even if only a couple of you tuned into me, I'd stick around and you're one of the couple. I don't mind working my ass off for you. Thanks for keeping up with me this long, sir, I'm glad you haven't managed to let me get under your skin.
Much love you guys, thank you. I was gonna point out the pissy wet concrete like what's so tough about dry land and then was, "oh, that's right.. he's back in England."
Haha, whe. I saw the pic it did look like I'd pissed myself except I'm back in Thailand and it's the aircon outflow.
I'm probably the only person on the island who refuses to wear shorts and normally wears socks, I like being uncool but my feet get sun burnt easily when I'm riding the bike and sunburn on the top of your feet hurts like he'll so there is method behind the madness...as well as keeping the mozzies off!
Anyways another little angel pissed in the ball pool so I better get back to dettol....only 5483 balls to go....
Take care, stay happy and thanks for keeping Hive real :-)
I can so empathize with sunburnt feet. I'll wear whole shoes but trust me I know. Age 4, mom's sister, weekend, long story.
What a nice thing to say. My pleasure.
I'm snickering.
Share is Chinese to an only child.
Can you NOT make me want to keep eating, please? Gawd. Get your pecan't bars away from me.
👍
!BEER
!BBH
!WINE
Much thanks Eii, cheers.
View or trade
BEER.Hey @dandays, here is a little bit of
BEERfrom @eii for you. Enjoy it!We love your support by voting @detlev.witness on HIVE .
@dandays! @eii likes your content! so I just sent 1 BBH to your account on behalf of @eii. (2/5)
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There sure is some magic in this blog! Sounds like Hormone Depot should be the next stop for 'artificial fingerprints' or what ya think of a 'healthy bush' starter kit! Man, this is a money-making idea! Also, you’re onto something with cottage cheese! It’s a mystery that probably shouldn’t exist!
As always, Atlas is looking great!
Is that Skipper?
She just put up a whole new post. Yeah, kinda nervous for her, her first one without my help. I won't let her drive by herself yet but she posted on her own...
Baby steps.
Look at me, how rude, all Atlas Atlas Atlas and didn't even say thank you. <3 Thanks for keeping an eye on me, glad you got a decent sense of humor, if only all our rulers did.
Congrats on 10k!
Of course that's Skipper, we're both keeping an eye on you (and Atlas). Oh dang, she's posting on Hive? Link it!
I completely understand you're all Atlas, Atlas, Atlas. My day revolves around Skipper, a bit of painting, Skipper, some house, Skipper, chores, Skipper. Then my love comes home from work and we talk about his day at work and Skipper. We do some things, and make time for Skipper ... well you got the point.
Thanks! 10K is nice, I only wished 1 Hive was at least 1 dollar!
My kinda people. Does he acknowledge Skipper before you? And you just excitedly wait and completely understand as he loves on Skipper first cuz you do the same.
Nah.. Of course not, no way that happens (dot dot dot)
Lol ... well, that's exactly what happens. When he comes home after having to waste another full day in a shitty job, (all for the shitty salary he earns because we can't even exist without it), he first greets Skipper very enthusiastically. After about five minutes of enthusiastic greetings from Skipper, we greet each other, and then we enthusiastically play with Skipper again, who enjoys the attention he now gets from both of us. During dinner, we have some time to talk about the day, and of course, we have plenty of time to discuss what moves Skipper has made, what he has experienced, and what he has learned. Then he asks Skipper what he wants to do, and Skipper often chooses to go outside for a while and then watch TV together. Of course, we look at what kind of movie Skipper wants to see ...
If I want to watch another movie ... then I'm out of luck. Skipper's will is law ...
Gotta teach'em when they're young. = }