Speaking and Listening

I’ve had these thoughts for some time now. While writing Wen Ask?, I contemplated something in a similar fashion and I knew I just had to say something about it.

So, Wen Speak?

You know there’s this thing where people say “listen to understand, don’t listen to reply”, fact! And valid. There’s reflective listening, selective listening and accumulative listening. That’s just my perspective anyway.

When we are selective in listening, we take what we want to hear and discard the rest. It’s almost like separating the blue M&M’s from the red ones and then dumping the red ones in the trash. If the red is your favorite, I come in peace…

So then, in my books, reflective listening is taking what that person said and presenting it back to them in a mirror. Most likely, what they said sounds right or stupid to them at some point and then you decide what to do with that information.

Then accumulative listening is taking what is said to you, comparing it to things you’ve experienced or heard, maybe even seen. You ponder on it no doubt but at the end, whether you accept it or not is entirely up to you.

As I said, these are my perspectives. I am very selective in what I listen to but I’m also accumulative. I’ll listen to you and I’ll think on what you have said but whatever is not in line with who I am or what I represent gets thrown in the trash. One ear and out the other.

Listening to Understand or Listening to Reply?

Now, what does listening have to do with speaking? I’ll have you know that unless you’re listening you can’t speak. The reason why I had to point out the way I see listening is because I want you to get the picture of what it is by the time I get to the part where you speak or shut up.

Funny enough, I watched a short video clip (from a podcast) where this man gave a little bit on reflective listening. He pointed that between a couple, when there is a misunderstanding and they are both trying to lay it out, reflective listening is bound to happen. The other may feel very justified and that is when understanding is deployed.

Now, it’s important to note that listening to understand is becoming very rare these days. We have people listening to reply. They are just in the hots to say something. They don’t pause to reflect, they just need you to hear them and understand them.

So many things have gone wrong because people failed to know when to speak. They failed to listen and read the room. It’s now common in even homes where two people who swore to love each other till death do part can’t stand to be in the same room because there is no understanding.

The words “I’m sorry” has so much power and very little influence in this generation. Everyone wants to be the victim and it’s sad.

So when do I speak? When do I say anything?

Photo by Henri Mathieu-Saint-Laurent

Of course this applies to very different situations. It’s different at work, home and functions. Someone could say “remain silent if you have no idea about the subject” but is that all there is? Just keep quiet?

I’d like to think that not knowing about something is every reason to want to know about it, especially if it’s something that interests you. For example, it’s perfectly fine to speak when asking questions. Better to be a fool for five minutes that the rest of your life.

It’s perfectly fine to speak when you don’t agree with something. You can politely make your argument and state your points without getting worked up. It’s also perfectly fine to voice opinions as they are yours.

What’s not fine when speaking is trying to force your views on the other person or generalizing the world into one group. It just makes you look stupid. What’s not fine is having little knowledge on a subject and brushing off what those who do have shared with you because you don’t “feel” it works that way.

Don’t speak if all you’re going to say will hurt the other person. Don’t speak unless you fully understand and grasp what the situation is. Don’t speak if all you feel like doing is reply. Don’t speak when your mind is closed.

You know, I think we fail to understand that while we should be comfortable and confident in our skin, our public image also matters as much. Reputation is everything and if you have a reputation that’s bad, it won’t work well for you.

I am very conscious of the image I project to the outside world. It matters to me, so whatever seems like a bad deal to how I look is a NO-NO for me. Thus, I’m very selective with my words, my actions and my responses.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the heat and just reply but what about the bigger picture? Would replying in that moment have positive effects later or is it just your five minutes of fame?

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