NF - If You Want Love (A "Christian Eminem?!")
This month has been a chaotic one -- the epitome of up and down. We went from celebrating the news of another life in our family, to mourning this incredible loss, all within a few weeks of one another. I was feeling a pain that I have not felt in many months, a deep sadness that caused my heart to ache and never-ending tears to spill...
In dark moments of depression and suicidal tendencies, music is the only thing that can pull me back out. As much as I love laughing along to Game Grumps (my favorite YouTube channel), sometimes the humor isn't able to hit.
That first night I was understandably having trouble sleeping. One of those nights where the rest of my family was peacefully sleeping while I tossed and turned. One of those moments where I still hurt but was too tired to shed anymore tears.
I decided to plug in my headphones. The only times I do this are when I need to be completely engulfed in the experience, to feel the music in order to escape...
Put my songs on shuffle; this was the first one to come up. The fact the video's opening scene is a baby's birth, is nothing short of ironic for me today....
My first time hearing this song, I was in a destructive relationship with a drug addict -- we both were -- and my heart kept breaking because he is a man who could not learn how to love anyone he cared for.
I sat back and really listened to the lyrics, because I know that we experienced this for a reason. Not so much in the "we're being punished for our sins!" sense, but as something to learn and grow from together...
🎶 I've always tried to control things
In the end that's what controls me
Maybe that's why I'm controlling 🎶
And this part hit me the hardest because I am the same way, even though control tends to be an illusion. How much of the pregnancy did I try to control? Didn't I believe that I was in control the entire time? What an ignorant assumption to make. Nothing has ever been promised to me, and everything can be taken away in a heartbeat...
🎶 I'm scared that one day I wake up and wonder where the time go
Talk about the past like it's the present while I rock slow
I'll sit in the living room and laugh with kids of my own 🎶
I have been too focused on the same fear. There have already been so many instances where my heart has broken during our children's life journey: graduating from the newborn phase, giving away their outfits that they've outgrown, scared that they'll suffer some terrible misfortune and lose their ability to walk, or think, or live...
It's why we've been "rushing" to have as many children while it is still possible -- because we recognize not only how quickly life goes by, but how fragile it is as well. We want to reach the end of our lives, a full house full of love, no regrets, just pure happiness...
(Image created using an AI art generator on Night Cafe)
🎶 If you want love, you gon' have to go through the pain
If you want love, you gon' have to learn how to change 🎶
Of course, the chorus itself speaks volumes. Love is pain. Love is meant to be incredible and life-changing and ugly and heartbreaking -- we cannot experience truly rewarding love without putting in the work and time.
Love also requires change, and while I undergo change on a daily basis, I also try to make a conscience effort to change for the ones I love. To cut back on my smoking, to control my emotions better, to be more patient with our children, to take care of my body and mind...
I tell myself that "everything happens for a reason." I wasn't in a good spot during the pregnancy. I wasn't happy, too focused on being sick all the time, neglecting my husband and children... I wasn't even focused on the baby, just miserable all the time. How could I selfishly expose a life to my unhappy predicament?
The next life we bring into the world will be one that is engulfed in love...
Anyway, my personal trauma aside 😅 NF is a truly amazing rapper, and he has often been dubbed the "Christian Eminem." 😄 NF is very open about his religious beliefs, and even goes so far as to ensure that none of his music features any profanity or explicit themes.