I Refuse To Be A Victim

"We have implemented these rules in order to keep our participants safe."

I can't be the only one who finds this statement ironic?

I am the poster child for "victimhood": divorced family from the age of 3, emotionally manipulative mother, abusive stepfather, grandfather was a child molester who preyed on me from ages 4-9, clinically depressed at age 13, diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at 18, relationship with an alcoholic, relationship with a drug addict, became addicted to crack myself, just recently suffered a miscarriage... I've never felt the need for a "warning" on posts. Quite the opposite -- I like to dive right into the source of the trauma as soon as it's occurred. Because what's that saying? "Life doesn't come with a trigger warning!"

I never say these things to boast. I know I must sound like a self-absorbed narcissist who thinks they're better than everybody else, and people are more than free to make that assumption! I understand that I cannot truly relate to others who have gone through something that I have not, but here's the thing! I may not have experienced war, or my father dying right before my eyes, or being brutually beaten in an alley; I don't have to.

Because the bottom line is: if we hope to overcome trauma, we need to address it head-on. No hiding, no cowering, no distractions.

For example, being sexually abused by my grandfather. That entire downward spiral first began with the fact that I hadn't even known that what he had been doing was wrong! I was in grade 2, watching a film in class that showed a young girl going through the same thing, approaching her mother about it and her mother being horrified! Do you have any idea how difficult that is for an 8-year-old to work out entirely on their own? "Wait... Papa does that to me... He shouldn't be doing that? Should I tell my mom, or...?
The situation progressed to me having to tell my mother, only for her and my grandmother not to believe me. My grandma called my grandfather into the room, only for him to adamantly deny the allegations to our faces: "Wha? No, I have no idea what she's talking about, why is she saying these things?" It ended with my mother not telling me where we were going and taking me to see my abuser while he was visiting a friend. It ended with my mother refusing to speak to me for nearly a decade, and my grandfather passing away without any accountability for what he did. I had to go through the process of filing a police report, by myself, at age 15, no help from my father or anyone else. I had to sit in a room with a detective for over half an hour, explaining everything that had happened, only for him to tell me that "Most likely nothing is going to happen to him."

This was the first and only trauma that I have ever had trouble addressing. I refused to talk or think about it. I hid from anything that so much as mentioned sexual abuse. I was extremely angry, depressed and resentful for many years...

Until I actually took the time to confront my problem. I bought a self-help book about childhood sexual abuse.

I worked through all of the writing exercises, acknowledged the fact that it wasn't my fault and that the people who were supposed to protect me, didn't. Since then, I can talk about what happened like I talk about what I had for dinner last night. And I do not see anything wrong with that. Trauma does not need to be greeted with tears and despair; humor has been a great tool for me while learning to process it.

(Image created using an AI art generator on Night Cafe)

Or, my miscarriage, for another example. It has been 3 weeks since it occurred, and my husband and I have pretty much gotten back to ourselves. Some days are harder than others, but I'm no longer dwelling on the situation, blaming myself, asking myself why, etc.

Now, I know I said to face trauma head-on; that doesn't need to be immediately. The whole purpose of the grieving process is to process things on your time. The important thing is that no matter how long it takes, you reach that final stage of acceptance. You have to accept the fact the trauma happened, that it is no longer your identity, otherwise you never fully move on. Otherwise you'll find yourself buying a reborn doll and ironically telling everybody that "I'm fine now!" even though you now need a doll as a physical reminder of your trauma.

Anyway, I don't really know how to sign off on this. A lot of my rants just seem to come back to the fact that my God I wish this site for adults could act like one. I guess I just try my hardest to never allow the label "victim" to become apart of my identity. I find solace in the fact that others may have experienced similar things, but I never expect pity -- not even understanding from the people of today. I rely on myself and my loved ones to accommodate, not the Internet.