I'm not a Big fan of 'Nigerian white weddings!

Except when I'm hired as the MC or have a very close relationship with one or both of the couples, I hardly go to their weddings.

Apart from the fact that Nigerian weddings take up the all of one's Saturday and are stressful to prepare (since they have evolved into venues for showoff), I believe most of them are overrun with pointless drama.

Like...

"To be sure she is the woman you wish to wed, remove the veil and verify"

"Show us how you'll feed your husband when you both go home tonight by taking a piece of cake".

"Aunty, Food never reach those of us where dey this side oooh".

"DJ, the bride's father requested that you play his favorite song, "Ota Mi Dehin" by Ebenezer Obey."

I once went to a wedding where some people sang a "special number" for the couple for more than ten minutes of the time that I didn't have.

A whole freaking ten minutes!

At another wedding, A heated argument over food broke out between the families of the bride and groom. The groom's family claimed that the bride's family had stolen the majority of the food for themselves.

This one is pretty typical, Sha; it occurs far too frequently.

Let's not even discuss the friends or family members who, despite your pleading for an urgent N2,000 from them, would ignore you but would arrive at your wedding armed with a money pistol and stacks of freshly printed N1,000 notes because they want to prove something to everyone.

The most exhausting aspect of weddings, in my opinion, is having to sit through an hour-plus sermon as the minister advises the couple on how to have a happy marriage.

For the sake of eternity, these guys had to attend marriage counseling for at least three months prior to the wedding.

What are you revealing to them now that you weren't able to before?

Okay, I get that the lecture is also intended to help the attendees who are single, but let's be real—how many of us actually pay attention to these things?

... when the Slay Queens are likely taking selfies for Instagram outside.

... while Juliet and Princess are chatting about how inexpensive the fabric for the bridal train attire is.

... when the half-naked sister seated next to Paul is constantly drawing his attention with her fair cleavage.

... and the frantic aunties who came "husband-hunting," continue scouting the area for potential husband candidates.

Let's not fool ourselves; we are not receptive.

Anyway, I can never refuse an invitation to host a wedding reception. Knowing that I'll be compensated for my time, I'll do it with all possible guises of fake excitement.

I am aware that people often say that most persons won't attend your wedding if you don't go to theirs.

Therefore, it's totally fine if you're reading this and have no plans to come to my wedding. I do get it!

I swear I won't be angry with you. Just make sure you send me money; you are aware of how expensive things are these days.

In fact, if you have the funds available right away, you may shoot me a DM and I'll email you my account information.

You'll help me save money, and I'll help relieve some of the pressure of having to be there for you. Everybody benefits from the circumstance.

Why thank me when you don't have to? What good are friends for?

I'm hoping we can come to an understanding.

I remain your favourite writer, Blackdovy.