Learning to avoid repetitive patterns

In my part of the world, women have been bestowed the burden of sustaining their union with a man.

Image is mine

Hence, whenever she cries out of being maltreated by her partner, she is often time advised or even bullied to stay and fight for her home even at the expense of her life.

Back then, divorce was never an option for women in my part of the world.

No family wanted to face that supposed stigma of having their daughter returned.

But as time progresses, women become more aware that they deserve better and there is a better option to marital conflict resolution, which is flight.

In my love life, I used to be a staunch believer of staying and fighting for the survival of my relationship, and boy did I cry countless tears. It’s even more heart-wrenching when the person you are fighting for do not want to be kept.

Then you discover they intentionally do these things to hurt you to keep you at their mercy. A discovery I confirmed in my last relationship.

You know the first few weeks of the relationship are usually bliss, then maybe months, and before you know it, the calls stop coming in like they use to, the text ceases.

Next, you'll start seeing yourself doing the chasing and the sustaining at the expense of your happiness.

Well, the me right now cannot fight to keep anybody because with the slightest provocation, I take flight.

You know, I realized early enough with my last relationship that abusive men know what they are doing.

The day I agreed to a relationship with my longtime friend, it felt like Jesus came down.

Dude could not hold his excitement as he credited me a gigantic sum to go spoil myself by, and I was pleased with myself that I had made the right decision.

Like I said, the first few weeks was the honeymoon phase as afterward he started exhibiting some toxic trait of all he complained about his father and his ex.

He told me how badly his father treated his mom, how he didn't care for her up to her death, despite the love and sacrifices the mother put in to sustaining the marriage.

When his mom died, the father proceeded to marry another woman, this was after he impregnated a lady and denied her since the pregnancy resorted to a girl.

To defend his decision, he said it is family tradition for all firstborn to be boys, so since the lady gave birth to a girl meaning, he's not the father.

On the day my friend complained about this to me, he felt really frustrated and I'd just calm him down. He looked at me, feeling overwhelmed with his father's excesses and said,

“I was forced to take up the responsibilities of both mother and child, adding to that of my siblings, as my father is a dead beat dad who leaves his responsibilities on the shoulders of other people”, I couldn't say much as it was a family matter I won't want to take sides or get involved in.

According to my friend, the father proceeded to marry a thriving businesswoman whom he wrecked as the woman was basically financing him unknowingly, to be taking care of his secret family. No one knew until the money got exhausted, and he sent the woman packing, bringing in his secret mistress who has three sons for him.

With this my friend, turned bf, then ex, it is either he's complaining about his father or he would complain about his partner at the time.

In his partner's case, he said he was the one doing the sustaining, as she didn't care. He would tell me how he does so much for her and how she does so little for him.

They were living together until the lady woke up one day, packed her things and left for her brother's house, that was the end of the relationship.

I felt truly sorry for him and felt I would do my best to make his life a little easy, until he started revealing his true self.

In fact, I started seeing his father in him. One minute we are talking, and we are fine, the next minute he's blanking me.

I'd start feeling frustrated as all effort to reach him would prove abortive. He won't respond to my text, and he won't return any of my calls.

One day, in my frustrated state, I sent him a message informing him that I was done with the relationship. Immediately, he called me and was acting like all was well, but I wasn't ready for a game of pretence.

“Why have you not been picking or returning any of my calls?” I queried, almost yelling.

“Is that why you are threatening me with a break-up?” A question that seemed like he was barely tolerating me.

“I am not threatening you, just wanting you to do better with communication because if it continues like this, I am leaving”. I fired back regardless.

“Hope you know you are a woman?, and it is your duty to sustain us?” He said this with so much pride.

I was already irritated, and I fired back again, “The sustainability of this relationship lies with the both of us and if you are not willing to put in effort to sustaining it, then it will die a natural death”.

With traces of shock in his tone, he responded, “Wow! Let me just inform you now that I like being chased, I love it when my woman acts all desperate to be with me, you better quit it with this stubborn attitude as it won't help us go forward”.

The moment he said these words to me, I realized he was intentionally blanking me to manipulate me, and if there's one thing I hate is being abused in any form. The relationship continued though, but I was already planning my escape.

Then my birthday came, I was expecting to be celebrated but instead my sweet bf texted me that he collapsed in the office. I was so worried that I called and texted him severally but no response.

Towards the end of the day, he texted back and was giving me a one word reply and then said he was ok.

Relationship continued, but I could not move pass the fact that he didn't wish me a happy birthday, so I confronted him.

Next he said was, “What did I tell you on your birthday?”

“What did you tell me?” I acted ignorant so he will say the words himself.

“But I texted you that I collapsed in the office”.

“Yes and I didn't bother about my birthday again with you, but it's been days after my birthday and I can't move pass the fact that you couldn't wish me a happy birthday at least”. I was still trying to keep my cool and be understanding.

But then he started laughing, and I got confused because I never knew I was a comedian. In my confused state, he dropped the bombshell.

“I intentionally texted you that I collapsed on your birthday to see how much you cared about me, then I didn't wish you a happy birthday to further test you and see your reaction, I wanted to see the worst that you would do, seeing that the birthday meant so much to you”.

Immediately I knew I was dating a psycho, and as I read the last word he typed, without saying a word, I proceeded to block him everywhere so he can never reach me again.

There you have it folks, my response to the Inkwell prompt "Fight or Flight". Would you rather take flight or stay to fight?

PS
This post is also in response to the Aprilinleoprompt day 21, you can participate here

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