Kirana Sorrow

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The sound of flowing water calms my heart, which now feels crushed.
I carefully scanned the orange hue that clung to the cloud. Looking further, why would that hue always succeed in treating a fragile heart. Complete miss. And weaknesses that don't want to melt.

Daydreaming of hope, breathing the air of sorrow that never goes away. This is where I am. Grojogan sewu. A place that is often a favorite of humans who are thirsty for natural beauty. The difference is that they come in a crowd at the time that has been recommended by the elders' rules. Meanwhile, I was desperate to come in the evening alone. Dedicating myself to something I had frantically considered.

"God, forgive me if I'm selfish" I whispered to strengthen my heart when I closed my eyes for the umpteenth time.

Even though I'm in a chaotic state, I'm determined to feel more about what I really want. But when this hand parted one by one the curtain of the heart, I did not find any room of hope in it. Apart from despair at what God has outlined. I accept. But in fact, the heart can not be lied to. That no matter how bad I am right now, tears keep flowing down every cheek wall.
I touched the wall of this heart slowly, as the pounding grew weaker, tears continued to fall. Even myself is so weak to just clench my fists to express what is now stoning in my chest. For four years I devoted my life to something that I deem appropriate. Giving up all love and freedom just for the sake of scavenging the affection of a person who is so respected in my village, Kertajati.

Hanging hope on something that I glorify, even myself is willing to leave the house when the conditions of my father and mother are getting old. Yes, I am a disobedient child who has the heart to leave my elderly parents to pursue the love of a man with a higher position than myself. And now after the dedication that I have done voluntarily, embracing love in a passion that is getting more and more inevitable. Love in the light. Surrender in faith that never fades even after something is said on her sweet lips.

**

"Kirana dear, I'm getting married the day after tomorrow. I hope you're willing to accept my decision, I want you to stay here with me even though I'm married later."

I stared blankly at him when words that I never expected just came out of his lips.

"M-married? you want to get married?" My words cover the pain that tears the recesses.

"Yes Kiran, I'm sorry I can't keep my promise to you. I have to do all this for the sake of my parents. But I promise I won't just let you go, you will stay with me in the house, as my concubine."

I gasped at the last sentence he said. My heart sinks. Again I reminded myself that what I got was very appropriate, considering that I was only a descendant of an ordinary family, without a crown and robe of power. As much as possible I neutralize this heartbeat before something again tore my heart.

"Why dear? You don't want to be my concubine?" His words suddenly made me just smile a little in response to his words.

"Who would that lucky girl be if I may ask?" I asked hard.

"Aruna."

I was surprised when the words I heard were very, very unexpected to me.
Aruna, the little girl I've been taking care of on the orders of Laksmi mother. These eyes heat up when I suddenly remember how I treated her like my own little sister. He was even too young for a marriage. He is now only sixteen years old. And yesterday afternoon he just revealed that he wanted me to get married.

I feel the memory of when his words made me giggle amused. I thought Aruna was just talking at that time, even though I teased her by asking who the girl might want. I squeezed my finger after I remembered his words which almost made me understand. 'Miss Kirana also knows who it is, don't be surprised,' she said by winking her long eyelashes at me.'
Found me who just didn't budge. The man in front of me then grabbed this waist slowly. Then gave me a quick peck on the lips.

"My mother and father set me up to strengthen our relationship dear, I hope you accept all this Kiran, honestly I don't want to lose you." Say it again.

I looked at his sad eyes. I know, there is not the slightest lie in his eyes. But remembering what happened. Especially now that I suddenly feel humiliated. I didn't just take his word for it. This heart is dying because of the reality that makes me exhausted myself.

"Why Aruna?"

The man in front of me just looked down. His hands gripped my waist tighter.

"I... don't know where I'm going after this." I said, holding back tears.
He then looked at me sadly, his hand raised to wipe one by one the clear that managed to escape from his eyelids.

"I have left my parents and did not attend the funeral." I said in between sobs.

Now he buried my face in his chest. The kisses and kisses on the top of my head made me feel helpless.

**

Again I closed my eyes when I remembered the events that had been eating away at my heart for the past few days. What will I do to fight this reality? Meanwhile, what I'm dealing with are people with high positions. Even now, I just don't have the chastity of myself. Everything I have given voluntarily without knowing the reality is so easy to twist my small body.
The sky is getting darker. The wind is joking on the tops of the leaves. So in all the despair that gripped my soul. I decided to end this pain immediately.

I open one by one the buttons of the kebaya and release them at random. The wind blows instantly, slapping the skin. I stand firm and puff out my chest. One by one the sticks of mentul that were tucked into the lips of the kamben I took out. I closed my eyes to just neutralize the fear that slowly ambushed me. Fixing the bun, I rearranged the cunduk mentul in my hand, making sure the arrangement was correct. On a count of three, I stabbed one by one the four sticks into the top of my head. Instantly the blood seeped flooded almost the entire skin of the face.

There was silence, only a small moan escaped his lips from time to time. The feeling of dizziness immediately came to me so that once in a while my footsteps stumbled and even almost tripped a few times. The black kamben and finger pins on the body are now wet with a strong rancid smell. While these eyes occasionally closed to avoid the continuous flow of blood flowing from his head. I paced and then aligned myself with a large rock in the middle of the Grojogan.

With the lyrics I hum a song that will bring my consciousness to the darkness that is ruling the earth.

         'Gusti Dewaji Adiraja
   Ingwang Nati Lenggana
          Wastu swampy anapi
   Half way lupta
           Happy yukti teter
    Mila kuwangga tatag'

('God is all wise and generous
I am sincere
But real scary
All because of an error
If this is a real test
Then strengthen my faith'.)

I slowly opened my eyes. And I found myself drifting along with the water that was increasingly rushing down its curves.

The End

Description: Here I use terms that may be foreign to all of you. Therefore I will write a few footnotes so that the readers understand the meaning.

Grojogan Sewu: The name of a waterfall in Indonesia
Kamben: the name of the Javanese traditional clothes used
Cunduk Mentul: a hairpin for a bride